I spent my high school years much like Rachel Berry. I was in every choir I could get my hands on, I pretty much get every solo handed to me, I even competed solo in the local music festival. I will never forget being on stage during one of the mandatory competitive groups and terribly botching a jump from E to G sharp. It was on a whole note to be sustained over 2 bars, it was a naked note, and my voice cracked. My E was flawless and beautiful, my G sounded like it went through a wood chipper for the first 3 counts.
Today, my voice cracked. I wrote a post that came from a very, VERY personal and extremely painful place. It pissed people off. It came off a pretty decent post. I went from E to G sharp. It went over like a note through a wood chipper.
Much like my Rachel Berry moment, I was flummoxed. I don’t understand where it went wrong, I’ve rehearsed and rehearsed for hours, tooling around with the formula, adding nuances and embellishments. It was to be my ode to my inner pain. It was going to be the beginnings of something much greater, since I got the idea that I should rake every Province over the coals (UnFriendly Manitoba was to be my Requiem Mass). I was going to make my inner bitterness and make it fancy. You know what makes blogging fancy? Being a bitch.
From E to G sharp.
As I sat here on the verge of tears wondering why some people just didn’t get it, and didn’t understand exactly what it was like growing up in a massive shadow, I simply remembered what happened years before. The girl who won that grouping? She sang the song straight. Simple and beautiful. She didn’t need to embellish, to add a trill or lay the vibrato on thick. It was simple. Instead of making things more complicated than they needed to be, she rehearsed the song as is and concentrated on making it a quality piece.
I focused on being provocative, using hyperbole, and an attempt at dark humor when I could have just sang it straight. The thing is? Much like many years ago, it’s done. I own it. Much like that mistake, I will not run from it or try to hide it. I own my words. Should I have left the scathing commentary at home and just exercised my point? Yes. The visual use of kitten blood could have waited for another post. Could I have gone without the generalizations just so I could use exaggeration? Yes. I can apologize for that. Did I have a moment of “what the fuck, if I had to apologize for every offensive thing I ever said I’d never speak or write”? Hell yes. Did that moment follow shortly with “hey, did you maybe cross the line a bit”? Yup. In my efforts to be edgy, I crossed lines and I can apologize for that as well. But it’s there for the world to see and judge. I’m not going to hide it now, because if I ever feel the need to be a bitch for the sake of being bitchy, I can just look at it and remember to keep on task and not drink so much Haterade before I write.
I can apologize to high heaven on the inappropriate things I said, but I cannot apologize for the anger behind it. I will never, EVER apologize for how small the issue made me feel in life. I will never apologize for feeling bitter about just how much this has hurt and affected my life. I can’t apologize for the resentment I feel towards the topic. I won’t apologize for lashing out after years of being subjected to the various humiliations I have gone through. This is a joke to some of you, this is real to me. Just because you never hear it doesn’t mean it never happens. It happened, it still happens in my life and it really fucking hurts. I will never apologize for feeling hurt by this.
I still got second place that day, because I kept going. I won the following year because I sang it straight and didn’t try to hard to be awesome. Some pieces still needed embellishment, but I learned to keep things simple when they needed to be. Much like then, it’s the same lesson now. I can’t promise that everything I write will be without controversy and/or dissent, but in the future I will do without the extras when they don’t need to be there. I tried too hard and I failed in the delivery.
My hope is that those who noticed my fateful G sharp will at least see past the wood chipper noise now, as I will be moving on from my errors.