Recently a friend invited me to her parent’s house. Before I came over she turned to me and whispered, “My parents don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.” I told her that’s common in my family of snorers and insomiacs, which it is, and that I would never judge her or her parents, who I’ve known for years, because of it. My extended family collectively sounds like a chainsaw and I need to bring my iPod anytime I sleep at any of their houses or else I won’t be able to fall asleep at all. Seeing married couples live together, but sleep in separate rooms has been so common in my life that I actually forgot it was uncommon.
I also felt sad for my friend because I don’t know if she was judged by other people before she told me. I didn’t ask if she told anyone else. I didn’t ask why her parents were sleeping in separate rooms because, frankly, it’s not my business. I didn’t ask why she whispered given the fact that we were alone. It’s almost if she thought someone would magicially overhear and shame her because of it.
The saddest part about this entire experience is that being together, married or otherwise, but sleeping separately still has a stigma although it’s been fairly common for decades. Ironically, the stigmas attached to this — sexless marriage and/or impending divorce — are the same attached to those don’t rush into childbearing immediately after getting married or choose to remain child-free.
Five years ago, the Washington Post published an article, “The Undercover Stories Of Happily Married Couples Who Love Each Other, Who ‘Sleep Together’ . . . But Have Separate Beds. Or Rooms.”
But what’s the big deal about sleeping together, anyway?
The weight on the marital bed is artificial and relatively new, argues Stephanie Coontz, who has written extensively on the history and sociology of marriage.
“It represents this cookie-cutter model that developed in the early 20th century that told people you had to get every single need met by this constant togetherness,” said Coontz. “It doesn’t tie in with what we know about the variety of coupled relationships that have worked in history.”
What’s more, noted Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Washington state, that model doesn’t fit contemporary life, in which couples marry later, bringing more experiences and habits to their relationships. The notion that one should be “permanently turned on, permanently available — that if you sleep in another room, maybe you’re not very sexual — is just an unnecessary burden for modern couples,” she said.
Four years ago, the New York Times published an article, “To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime.”
“In St. Louis, Carol Wall, president of Mitchell Wall Architects, said that three or four years ago her company began “doing a lot of these little rooms off the master bedroom where the snorer would go.” More recently, couples, including some in their 30s, have started asking for two master suites, “and we don’t ask any questions,” Ms. Wall said.
Not everyone wants to talk about it. Many architects and designers say their clients believe there is still a stigma to sleeping separately. Some developers say it is a delicate issue and call the other bedroom a “flex suite” for when the in-laws visit or the children come home from college. Charles Brandt, an interior designer in St. Louis, said, “The builder knows, the architect knows, the cabinet maker knows, but it’s not something they like to advertise because right away people will think something is wrong” with the marriage.”
Yes, the articles are essentially saying the same thing and citing the same scenarios: snorers married to non-snorers, insomniacs married to non-insomniacs, those who frequently travel for business married to those who don’t, those who sleep with the lights on married those who don’t, those who sleep with the television on married to those who don’t, etc… A pregnant friend of mine is struggling with insomnia and has been sleeping on her couch with the television blaring while her husband sleeps in bed. Is it so hard to admit that what works for some people, doesn’t work for others?
We’ve been watching “Downton Abbey” on Masterpiece and last night there was an absolutely priceless scene in which the Lady of the manor is in bed and her eldest daughter Mary (in her twenties, but unmarried and still living at home) is sitting talking to her. The Lord (Mary’s father) comes in wearing his bathrobe, prepared to come to bed. The daughter is like (and I paraphrase), “Dad, could you at least pretend you sleep in separate beds like normal people?” and he’s like, “I keep a bed made up in my suite for the sake of propriety and that’s the most you should expect. Get your ass out of the bedroom so your mother and I can go to bed.”
While fictional, this does point to the fact that mores concerning sleeping arrangements have changed wildly over time, and are highly subject to the expectations of particular societies and social classes.
I personally really struggle with sleeping apart from my partner when we have to (travel, illness, etc.) because I crave physical touch and being assured that I’ll have it 6-8 hours a day while we’re asleep is a lifeline. But I know couples who sleep apart and I see how it works for them in a variety of (mostly positive) ways. I’m only sad when the “separate beds” arrangement seems to be a euphemism for a relationship that’s really deteriorated to the point when the couple no longer loves or cares for each other.
Sing it sister!
Because of a large family, and later, sharing rooms with room mates, I didn’t have a room of my own until I turned 24.
I am not giving it up just because I have an intimate partner. He’s got a room for his crap and I have a room for my crap. Sometimes we sleep together, but mostly the snoring encourages separate sleeping. Even with earplugs.
(And yes, we both snore.)
And we’d love a home with two master suites. It sucks having to decide who gets to have the big room and who has to make do with a teeny one.
Ironically, we do sleep together, but have that “sexless marriage and/or impending divorce” thing going on. Good times.
I agree that it’s sad people are quick to judge. And sad your friend felt so concerned.
For the most part, I’m like annajcook: I loved the sleeping together. But there were definitely times when I wished I could just escape to my own bedroom.
We have a king sized bed, so even though we sleep in the same room it might as well be in separate beds. I need my space at night. To quote Friends we are not “cuddly sleepers”.
When I was pregnant I slept in the guest bedroom, which was the closest one to the bathroom, for practical reasons. Sometimes now one of us sleeps on the couch with the baby in the bouncy seat so the other can have the bedroom quiet for the whole night. And some nights I toss my husband out of our room for snoring.
I can assure you though, even with the lack of sleeping together the lack of intimacy is not a problem *cough*2kidsin20months*cough*. I feel bad your friend felt she needed to warn you or she might be judged.
As a child of parents who used to co-sleep and no longer do, it makes me a little sad when I come home to evidence they’re sleeping apart, mostly because growing up it was a sign that they were fighting. My grandparents had separate rooms though, and my dad remembers them having long talks at night before one would get up and go back to their respective room.
for my part, I’m an insomniac, a snorer and a fall-asleep-with-TVer so the odds are pretty good that I’d want to live in a two bedroom even when shacked up with someone. There are awesome things about waking up together, like the intimacy and likelihood of morning shenanigans..and unawesome things like elbows-to-the-kidneys.
I love co-sleeping because of the intimacy. Even if you have kids or long work hours, you know you’ll have some space and privacy to yourself if you sleep in the same bed, even if you’re too exhausted to do anything but spoon and fall asleep.
That said, I need a lot of sleep, so if my partner snored or thrashed around or in some way kept waking me up, I’d probably be headed for separate beds. So when people tell me that’s why they sleep apart, I totally get it—my being constantly sleep-deprived would destroy a relationship a lot faster than sleeping in separate beds.
Thank you for quoting Stephanie Coontz! She does some awesome research.
To elaborate on what she said about expectations putting unnecessary pressure on couples, when I got married 20 years go, couples were expected to go to be and get up at the same time (at least among the people I knew). This usually meant that the woman in a heterosexual couple was expected to adjust her schedule to match her husband’s. At least one friend did this and tried to make me feel guilty that I didn’t.
Thank you for quoting Stephanie Coontz! She does some awesome research.
To elaborate on what she said about expectations putting unnecessary pressure on couples, when I got married 20 years go, couples were expected to go to bed and get up at the same time (at least among the people I knew). This usually meant that the woman in a heterosexual couple was expected to adjust her schedule to match her husband’s. At least one friend did this and tried to make me feel guilty that I didn’t.
I’d like to think that sleeping in separate rooms is part of what’s making my marriage great. I’m not barking at him to quit snoring at 3 AM and he’s not throwing a shit fit for me tossing all over the place and hogging the blanket. He also doesn’t sleep much at night and I like to gouge out 10 hours if I can, so sharing the bed is just not practical.
Though this really makes me think funny thoughts because according to all the “family values” hysteria, we must have the WORST marriage ever. Y’know, with our having kids first, not sharing the bed, him actually pitching in 50/50, me being the more successful one career wise and him thinking that’s awesome…..
My husband and I sleep together… when he’s actually home. Lately he’s been pulling kid-duty at night and that occasionally means that he falls asleep in their room. I like it when he sleeps with me but it is a really useless indicator in terms of our relationship. The people who are bothered the most by our lack of concern over where we sleep (he biggest issue is that everyone gets enough) are my parents. My dad cannot sleep unless my mom is in bed with him, so it literally confounds them that we just don’t really care all that much.
The opposite is also sometimes a loaded issue too, of course. When my sister and her long-term boyfriend (they live together in Austin) went back to Michigan for Christmas this past holiday seasons, boyfriend’s mother forbid them to sleep in the same room if they were going to stay with her. Because they aren’t married (and don’t plan to be).
They made arrangements to stay with friends. But it really pissed my sister off that her sleeping arrangements were being policed to that extent.
It’s amazing how much we feel entitled to judge other peoples’ decisions about what works for them in their intimate lives.
I admit that it felt odd when our daughter and her manpanion came home together for the first time and shared a room. But they were both legal adults and they were doing the same thing at college, so respecting the state of their relationship seemed like the reasonable thing to do. It wasn’t that I objected; it was just a new stage of parenting.
A number of years ago Mr MM and I changed to a king sized bed, and it’s been a total win. At that time, we were likely to have any combination of 2 kids and 3 cats with us at any given time and we needed the room! Now that things are quieter, I still like my space, although it’s also good to have Mr MM nearby.
It’s funny though, his snoring irritates the living daylights out of me, but the snoring of our very overweight cat doesn’t.
I would like to have separate living quarters; forget beds! And no that’s not because I am not wild about my manpanion. I just like having my own space.
When I visit my parents I almost always sleep in my parents’ bed with my mom. My dad has been sleeping in my childhood bedroom for a few years. He has sleep apnea and usually sleeps hooked up to one of those machines. I don’t think they sleep apart every single night, but they do more often than not. I guess there is something comforting about knowing your parents sleep in the same bed, but it’s really not that big of a deal and does not necessarily indicate marriage/relationship trouble. Sleep quality can be more important than physical proximity! That said, I grind my teeth and snore almost as loudly as my dad so my mom is sort of SOL.
@annajcook: I watched that last night too, and it was exactly what I was thinking of as I read this post!
I fell asleep after the oldest sister, Mary(?) found out that her sister Edith(?) had spread the vile rumor about her. Woke up as the credits were running. Was this a onetime show or is it a miniseries?
Also, on a related note, when I lived with a somewhat whiney when sick man, I came to the conclusion NO ONE should have to sleep in the same bed with a sick person. It’s awful for both people! And gross! Bleah!
My parents have slept apart since I was old enough to remember because of my Mom’s medical condition and all the stuff she needs a certain way to fall asleep.
I would have whispered about it too, if I thought a friend of mine would have found out (when I was younger). My friends who figured it out always thought it was weird and asked if everything was okay. Didn’t understand then (and still don’t now) why it’s their business anyways or what sleeping together has to do with being married.
Although, having slept with someone in a twin sized bed, sharing a King really would be like having my own bed!
I think part of what makes my relationship work is our separate bedrooms. We sleep together most nights, though really it goes in cycles–sleep together every night for two weeks, then apart every night for a week, and so on. It’s awesome.
But I covet a king-sized bed, even though I feel like it would be such extravagance. But I have a serious problem kicking animals out of the bed, and three cats, a big dog, and two larger-than-average people = a crowded queen bed. I think I just feel weirdly guilty about it (the same way I have weird guilt about running water) because I’m always reading about Ye Olden Dayes, when 6 people slept in one bed and kept little dogs around to eat the rats and keep the fleas away from the people. This is a crazy habit, I know.
Also, once someone asked me why my partner and I have separate rooms–in a totally polite, like, “I hope this isn’t too personal, and you don’t have to answer, and no judgments, I’m just curious why you and Dude have different bedrooms?” (We were friendly classmates, and she’d been to our apartment.) I was seriously like, “Oh we don’t share a bed because we don’t believe in sex before marriage.” And she was like, “Oh. Ok.” with her face so carefully neutral but also obviously confused. And I was like, “PSYCH!” just like it was the 90s. This is, perhaps, funnier if you know me and my unbelievable propensity for inappropriate TMI sharing.
This post is making me go “Hmm.” I share a king-size with my husband, who snores like Fred Flintstone. A few times, his dreams became violent and he lashed out and gave me a hard crack on my shin or arm. Because of his snoring, I sleep with earplugs and a pillow over my head (and sometimes a pillow between us as a defense). Occasionally I wake up in the morning and find he hadn’t come to bed at all, but got busy on the computer downstairs then slept on the couch. Despite all this, I think I would miss him if we had separate rooms. Besides which, my son is 9 and my daughter is 5, so if anyone is in line for separate bedrooms, it’s them.
When I was a little girl and when I first moved to my current state, my parents stopped sleeping in the same room due to marriage troubles. For the next twelve years, my dad slept downstairs and my mom slept upstairs. It became normalized to me, so normal that when I had a friend spend the night and she asked me why, I was confused.
My dad once told me that if anyone asked, it was because he snored in his sleep. He was VERY concerned with appearances. (And still is.)
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but the Dude and I used to have separate rooms (when we first moved in together back in the late 90s). Mostly slept together, alternating rooms/beds, but occasionally had/wanted/liked having our own spaces for sleeping.
Like everything else, we go through phases, from super-snuggly to don’t-touch-me, and there are always at least two cats in bed with us at night, so it’s cozy, regardless.
And having my own room for the sake of having my own room is just always a good idea.
This has always seemed to be such a common sense matter of personal preference that it still surprises me that people find it weird if people have separate beds, or, at the other extreme, pile all the kids and pets into bed with them, or anything in between.
I’m on the fence with regards to co-sleeping, so it kind of depends on whom I’m sleeping with. I like the extra cuddle time but I am a light sleeper and have a lot more trouble falling asleep or staying asleep when there’s someone else in the bed. My last manpanion was a snorer/farter/tosser + turner/allergy sufferer, so there were many nights when I escaped to the couch. My current manpanion is a lot quieter/stiller/less smelly, so it’s a lot easier and more enjoyable to share the bed with him.
What about those old sit-coms, like the Dick Van Dyke show and I Love Lucy, where the couples were *always* shown in separate beds? Were the viewers supposed to think that was the status quo in reality, or did they understand it was for TV purposes only? There wasn’t any stigma attached to that arrangement in the plots. Wasn’t there a bit of a scandal when Carol and Mike Brady were shown sharing a bed on The Brady Bunch? (Dating myself a bit, here!)
I’m sort of on both sides of this one. For a long time, my husband snored TERRIBLY. We got fed up with both of our sleep suffering (me because of his snoring, him because I was waking him up to tell him to try a new position to lessen the snoring), and so we started sleeping in separate rooms. We’d “go to bed in the same bed together and cuddle, but when the snoring started, one of us would go to the guest room. It worked great. We got our snuggle time, which we both like, but we also got our sleep. He often works overnight shifts, so adjusting to sleeping apart wasn’t so hard.
Recently, he got one of those mouth guards that pulls the jaw forward to keep the airway open and prevent snoring. It WORKS, people. Now we sleep in the same bed unless he’s got a cold and has a stuffy nose, because the mouthguard necessitates nighttime nose breathing, and he can’t wear it when he can’t breathe through his nose.
I think my favorite thing about sleeping in the same bed again is the morning snuggle time that we have back. I’m like a baby with my need for skin to skin contact.
So: sleeping apart: it can rock and be a total marriage saver, contrary to stereotypes. BUT, if snoring is what is keeping you apart and you’d rather be together, try one of those mouthguards. You can get them for cheaps on Amazon.
My grandpeople started sleeping in separate bedrooms fairly recently. My grandma is a warm sleeper (needs lots of blankets and heat at all times), while my grandpa is a cold sleeper (needs the window to be open even in the middle of winter). At their ages, I think that finding a way to compromise on the temperature thing in the same room when their comfort levels have grown so far apart had finally become too difficult. When they told me about their new arrangement because I was staying over, I thought nothing of it. My grandpeople have a good marriage and their sleeping arrangement doesn’t reflect on any aspect of their relationship, except in the sense that they’re secure enough not to think that sleeping in separate rooms has a negative connotation.
I, on the other hand, have a great deal of difficulty kicking my boo out of bed even though she snores and moves around a lot in her sleep and eventually takes up so much space that I hardly have any room for myself. She’s a heat-thief and a cuddler, so she hates sleeping alone. And I don’t know how to say “no” to her when she gives me that puppy-eyes look. Her former sleeping partners really spoiled her because they let her sleep on top of them, which doesn’t work for me because she’s gained a lot of weight in the last three years. The worst part is when she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to play, and she growls and whines at me when I tell her that I’m too tired. I really should have gotten a cat.
I’m one of the people in a sexless marriage, but it’s not in the least coming to an end. I have medical issues that prevent sex from being pleasurable, so we don’t. However, we sleep together in the same bed, and have tons of physical contact, because both of us adore each other, and don’t want to be apart. I’d be terribly lonely in a separate bed. Sleeping together isn’t always about sex, obvs.
My grandparents slept in separate rooms towards the end of my grandfather’s life (as he was dying of lung cancer), and they slept in separate beds long before that, but they loved each other until death.
[...] been having this week on the thread about sexual orientation and desire, and on the thread about marriage and sleeping arrangements, I thought Harpy readers might be interested. She writes, in part: I all too often feel in these [...]
(Here via Hoyden About Town)
My mother’s paternal grandparents had separate houses, not just separate beds. They also had a marriage which lasted longer because they were at opposite ends of their small Australian country town (I believe old Grandpop’s explanation was that he loved his wife, but he couldn’t stand to live with her). Given they largely lived out their lives in the years prior to easy divorce, and given also they were Christadelphians (or in other words, my mother’s family were Christian fundamentalists long before it was cool) and therefore couldn’t divorce even if they wanted to, it was a workable solution to the whole issue.
Himself and Myself both snore – which meant on the occasions we shared a bed, it was a race to see who wound up falling asleep first. The first one to sleep would be able to sleep; the other one got to spend a largely sleepless night and get up grumpy and irritable the next morning. So now we have separate beds, separate bedrooms, and where possible, we have these on separate floors of the house. Thus we both get to sleep, and we both get to wake up after having had enough sleep to survive on.
Thanks for sharing, you guys! Lots of cool stories here.
I believe that everyone should do what works for them…don’t worry about being judged.
My husband and I share the same bed. It has pros and cons. I suffer with insomnia and I can’t always fall asleep when he does. I like to cuddle but I don’t enjoy being smothered, especially when it is hot. He complains about me staying up too late reading but it is only because I can’t sleep.
I don’t see anything wrong with separate beds because different people have different needs.
But I will say this…when I first visited my in-laws, I was a bit weirded out by the arrangements. DH was 38 years old and not allowed to be in the same room with me. Now that we’ve been married almost two years, we can share a bedroom but we still have to sleep on these extremely uncomfortable twin beds divided by a table in the middle. My body is stiff after being on one of those things. They remind me of hospital cots. I find it to be a very weird arrangement when we visit, but I figure that his mother is just very old-school and not with the times. She is also a fundamentalist Christian so that makes for some interesting stuff too.
His parents sleep in the same bed, with the exception of a few times when they didn’t. I don’t understand why married couples that stay in their home are forced to sleep in separate beds and uncomfortable beds at that. I’m not kidding, the beds are so hard. I don’t see how anyone could sleep on them. I’m thankful that we will be staying at a hotel this year while my SIL and her husband will be staying with the in-laws. I love my in-laws, but I will not miss the rock-hard beds and the weirdness of it all.
But that is my only personal issue with separate beds, because of my in-laws. Their arrangements are kind of “unique”, for lack of a better word. They tend to impose their values and beliefs on others. What other couples do in their own home is none of my business and I actually think it’s pretty cool that some couples have separate beds or bedrooms, as long as the marriage is happy.
BTW…if we could have separate bedrooms that we could sleep in at least once a week, that would be cool too. My husband would never agree to that, though.
My ideal bedroom would be very feminine with lots of pretty details, but with a punk-rock twist too. Maybe some leopard throw pillows to spiff things up. I know that I would definitely LOVE my own bathroom. We live in an apartment with only one bathroom, which can be awkward.
The more I think about it, having a separate bedroom wouldn’t be so bad provided I don’t sleep in there on a daily basis. I could have my own little reading nook and I could store most of my stuff in there so he wouldn’t complain about clutter anymore. Plus, I could read or watch TV and surf the Internet without disturbing him. Hmmm…;)