Mary, Edith and Sybil: Daughters of Lord and Lady Crawley
During the month of January, Hanna, our friend Minerva, and I gathered every Sunday evening to watch the Masterpiece Classic costume drama Downton Abbey. Set on the eve of World War One, DA chronicles the drama (and there is plenty of drama) unfolding in the lives of the inhabitants of the titular English country estate — both the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants.
There is a lot I could say about this particular costume drama, both positive and negative (in the positive column, the costumes are gorgeous and every line Maggie Smith utters is pure gold). The three of us live-blogged the episodes (one, two, three and four) if anyone cares for that much snarky detail. In this blog post, however, I want to focus on one fairly specific aspect of the show: the way the show depicted the relationships between Mary, Edith, and Sybil, the three daughters of the family.
I want to use DA as an avenue into thinking about sibling relationships as they’re portrayed on television, in movies, in popular culture more broadly. I currently spend most of my time with only children (Hanna and several of our closest friends are only daughers), but growing up I was the eldest of three and surrounded by families that mostly had multiple children in various combinations. Sibling dynamics can be complicated, difficult, glorious. Yet in popular culture they are often portrayed in negative, competitive ways. Particularly sister relationships. And Downton Abbey illustrates some of these cultural tropes quite colorfully.
Note: Plot spoilers for Downton Abbey season one after the jump.
There are three sisters living at Downton Abbey: Mary (the eldest), Edith (the middle child), and Sybil (the youngest). All are adults, with Sybil making her debute into London society over the course of the series. All three are, as yet, unmarried — a fact that becomes increasingly problematic over the course of the season and inevitably shapes their interactions with one another and the world around them. Their struggles are both social and economic: remaining unmarried endangers their social standing and also makes them deeply vulnerable financially, since the estate that supports them is entailed and their father is unwilling (possibly unable) to break the entail in order to settle them comfortably. They are expected to choose husbands who can provide for them. No thought is ever given, by the parents at least, to their daughters supporting themselves.
The series opens with the sinking of the Titanic. On board was the heir to the Crawley estate (a first cousin), nominally engaged to Mary. It becomes clear immediately that the planned marriage was one of convenience; a way to keep the family and its wealth consolidated. Mary is mostly relieved that she won’t have to wear deep mourning and feign sorrow, since the engagement had yet to be made public. Edith, on the other hand, has loved her cousin and is both grief-stricken by his death and bitter toward Mary for taking the man Edith loved and then not having the decency to grieve when he dies. This competitive bitterness characterizes the two sisters relationship for the rest of the season.
The three daughters are typecast as “eldest,” “middle,” and “youngest” daughters. Mary yo-yos wildly between embodying the expectations her parents have that she marry for money and for the family honor, while chafing against those expectations in often unproductive ways. She is both the favored daughter and a troublesome one: after engaging in a flirtation with a houseguest that ends in sexual assault and (his) accidental death, Mary becomes tainted goods and household energy is increasingly wrapped up in getting her married as soon and as securely as possible. Edith’s character is that of a spiteful mean girl from beginning to end. Mary, of course, is a mean girl at times but as someone in the position of eldest only wields her mean girl weapons when she feels trapped. Edith feels trapped continually, and lashes out at everyone — but particularly Mary. She alternates between undermining Mary’s prospects and attempting to one-up her elder sister in the fliration-and-courtship game. By the end of season one, the two women have successfully back-stabbed one another to the extent that neither is any further ahead in life than they were in episode one.
These sisters are not Jane and Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice.
Sybil, the youngest, is portrayed as playfully daring and naively political: advocating for women’s right to the vote, arguing for the chance to attend art school in London, sneaking off to political rallies with the Irish chauffeur (don’t get Hanna started on that trope …). Last in line for a husband, Sybil seems poised — at the end of season one — on the edge of making a potentially fruitful break from her family’s cloistered way of life. While I am rooting for her as a character, I am also troubled by the way that — in so many stories — it is the youngest child who is portrayed as having the most spirit, the most distance from family expectations, the most room to grow and explore.
I was struck throughout the series by the fact that all three of these characters seemed trapped, to a greater or lesser extent, in the roles written for them: as daughters, as sisters, as birth-order children. I’m not a particular fan of theories surrounding birth order, but to the extent that we have come to expect certain things from children who occupy the “eldest,” “middle,” and “youngest” spaces in the family we seem to limit our scripts … in real life as well as on screen … to fit those expectations. I find myself wondering why these characters buy into the expectations of their families and the society around them concerning their roles. What would have happened if, instead of competing with one another for male attention and social status, Mary and Edith refused to accept the way they were being pitted against one another? What might happen in series two if Sybil is given a real chance to break free — and takes it — but in a way that encourages her sisters to do the same, rather than leaving them trapped in their unhappiness?
What are your favorite examples (positive or negative) of sibling dynamics in popular culture? Do you feel like these dynamics accurately reflect your experience, or do you find them at odds with the relationships you have with your brothers and sisters, or witness in the lives of children or parters or friends? What do you see as some of the most harmful stereotypes about sibling relationships? What are some of the most truthful and/or helpful stories we tell ourselves about the lives of siblings?
Charmed, for all its faults, is fantastic at portraying sisterhood in a realistic, human way. (Although they do embrace the birth order stereotypes pretty strongly.)
My answer is pretty cliche, ‘Little Women.’ Even though it is a classic, the relationship between the sisters is really great. I’m sure that is because Louisa May Alcott was writing about her actual sisters so all the characters have dimension and depth and their relationship is real in that it has bumps but that loyalty to each other remains.
I just finished watching ‘Downton Abbey’ and I found the the two oldest sisters’ relationship really sad. However, I thought their mother was also partly responsible. She kept agreeing with the oldest daughter that the middle daughter just wasn’t as cool/valuable/pretty/etc. You know that was partly what fueled the middle daughter’s rage because it gave the older sister’s put downs legitimacy.
Even Austen didn’t present a world filled with sisterly affection. Jane and Elizabeth may have loved and supported each other, but remember Lidia’s delight that she could sit above her sisters at the table because she was married and they were not. I think historical books, movies, and series are especially prone to this pettiness because we assume that women’s lives were so constrained that they must have turned on each other, lacking any other power.
I also feel compelled to point out that happy families do not make interesting stories, so it seems natural to me that our entertainment lacks many siblings who raise each other up with love and support. Also, I think classic kids books often had lovely sibling relationships. It’s only adults who are expected to be dysfunctional.
That said, the Five Little Peppers books always made me want to be nicer to my own sister.
I grew up with two younger brothers. We argued occasionally, of course, but there was never the dysfunction or competitiveness among us that so often pops up in popular culture.
Then again, I also come from a family in which loving, happy couples are the norm. You don’t see that on TV often either!
Av0gadro, I agree that this is probably due at least in part to the fact that peaceful relationships aren’t as exciting stories.
There’s a new t.v. show on the SyFy Channel called Being Human that has a really great depiction of siblings who were very close. In that case, the great drama of their relationship is that they want to be close but one of the main characters’ issues (being a werewolf – which I take as a very effective metaphor for other things) gets in the way. From my own experiences of being one of a group of siblings with some serious issues (not being a werewolf, though, thankfully), it’s pretty accurate to the simultaneous longing and shame that can keep siblings hurting each other even when they don’t want or mean to be.
Anna, I think it’s interesting how much social mores, dictates and expectations shape family dynamics. Whether it be in the past or in the present. And in some ways, birth order can (I’m not saying it does!) affect siblings, their choices and options, and what happens to them.
I haven’t come across any literature that depicts my family life, especially sibling relationships.
I come from a family where there were more than 5 kids (where one of us kids came from a previous parental relationship), where I was the second oldest and eldest daughter.
By virtue of my birth order and gender, I had different expectations and responsibilities to my other brothers and sisters, and in particular elements of caring and concern for my siblings that were not expected for those younger than me.
This caused issues when I was younger, and like with most relationships there are highs and lows.
I ‘escaped’ the expectations that were put on me – in particular I wasn’t married when I left the family home and still not married now (despite half of my brothers and sisters being married).
In some ways, being one of the eldest, I have made my own way in the world, which is somewhat out of character for an elder child. But then birth order analysis seems to stop at about 3 or 4 siblings, so I’m not sure if this is true to type..
@Melissa, LOVE “Charmed” even though I only ever had chances to see parts of seasons (long periods w/o television or cable) … and you’re right it’s an interesting example of nuance in sibling relationships … even if the characters are somewhat typed.
@waxghost, haven’t seen the U.S. remake of “Being Human” … the BBC version does have some really nice platonic, sibling-like relationships in it. Though I’d argue that the “chosen family” aspect of the three main characters is a bit different than siblings who have grown up together. At least from the standpoint of cultural narratives.
@WingStaff, totally agree that the mother in Downton Abbey is egging her daughters on in competitive ways. Lady Crawley is a difficult character to sympathize with, I thought (though I understand some of her motivations).
@Av0gadro, I understand your point re: “happy families,” but I always feel that is something of a cop-out. With both family relationships and intimate/sexual relationship stories. First, because historically speaking we haven’t always shied so consistently away from telling stories about successful, long-lasting relationships (familial or sexual). And second, because I don’t believe that “happiness” somehow has less narrative depth or complexity than unhappiness.
What I absolutely agree with is that as a culture we have a very impoverished vocabulary for talking about successful, joyful, fulfilling, stable relationships of many kinds. So when we do try to portray them, the portrayals come off trite and cliche. I think that’s a fault of our imagination, not the nature of solid relationships themselves.
In the press kit, in an interview with either Edith’s or Mary’s actress, she reflects that she is actually very close with her sisters in real life and finds Edith and Mary’s toxic relationship very sad.
I’ve heard good things about Downtown Abbey so I need to get around to watching it eventually! I tend to avoid birth order stuff because the stereotypes of only children are overwhelmingly negative. Once, I was having lunch with friends and I asked how their brother or sisters were doing because they told me they were going through a difficult time in their lives. They told me that only only children ask about their siblings and that those with siblings don’t. I thought that was really interesting. I suppose, as someone who doesn’t have siblings, I’m always curious as to how other people relate to theirs.
@Stephanie – that is really interesting. I always ask and I have siblings but I don’t really count as I’m also incurably nosy which is why I work in journalism.
As to strong sibling relationships in literature, I’ve spent an awful lot of time thinking about this as I am very close to my own sister and to my brother and we never suffered from the ‘oldest’ middle etc syndrome – although when I was a teenager I did get annoyed briefly when my friends started hanging out with my sister as well (she’s younger by 18 months).
Anyway back on point, Little Women always stood out for me as a child and I always remember the family in Nancy Mitford’s The Pursuit of Love who are very close in their own way. Rosamund Lehman has a great book about two sisters, Invitation to the Waltz, which also has a brilliant sequel, but the relationship isn’t a happy one.
Oh I know the sisters in the wonderful I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith are genuinely close.
The meanness in female relationships (not just between the sisters) that I saw in “DA” was both familiar and tragic. My husband, on the other hand, coming from a family of five boys, was stunned by the machinations of the two older sisters — “Why can’t they just ‘live and let live’?” he asked at one point.
I think we’re rarely truthful enough about the difficulty and complexity of sibling relationships. My sister is 18 months older than me and either we are simpatico in every way or I can’t stand her. My relationships with her and our younger brother are an ongoing puzzle that I find exhausting.
In my younger years I loved reading about relationships between sisters. I have a younger brother (and we got/get along famously) but I always wondered what it was like to be part of a sisterly pair or triple. I particularly remember the All of A Kind Family books being warm, loving depictions of sisters. Some squabbles, sure, but nothing as painfully vindictive as Mary and Edith (thanks for writing about Downton Abbey, Anna, for all its soapiness I loved it).
Also, emilyanne, it may have been you in a book thread here who prompted me to put Rosamund Lehmann on my list. I _just_ found Invitation to the Waltz at a used store and omigod where had she been all my life? Olivia is a fantastic character. Some of the sisterly interaction was so touching, like the lace collar part. Anyway, thanks for giving me another author!
“Sibling dynamics can be complicated, difficult, glorious. Yet in popular culture they are often portrayed in negative, competitive ways.”
Although I have had some confrontations with my younger sister and brother, my relationship with both have been pretty positive.
It’s a different picture for my father and his siblings. There is plenty of negativity and competitiveness between them.