First of all: I understand. Today is Valentine’s Day, the apex of the Offensive Lady- Stereotypes Season. Whether or not you have a sweetheart, today can be stupid and alienating. I swear, if anyone makes any fucking jokes about the sexual favors I might/should render unto the Dude, I’m gonna punch some throats.
Now, if you do love V-Day, awesome for you. Go, enjoy! This is a BISH PLZ-only post.
Is the room clear? Okay. You don’t have to remove your black clothes or your bitchface, but you might consider turning a blind eye to all the horrible cheap chocolate and fugly lingerie out there, and instead approaching today as one of the following two holidays…
Option 1: Lupercalia. Like most religiously-inflected holidays in the West, St. Valentine’s Day is actually a co-opted pagan festival. Named for Lupa Romans, the she-wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus, Lupercalia was a holiday dedicated to purification and fertility (wait! I’m going somewhere cool with this!) that involved flogging yourself with bit of goatskin, feasting, and general shenanigans.
Perhaps avoid the goatskin stuff, and embrace the feasting and shenanigans (howsoever you define them). If you’re interested in the purification, though, why not plan your evening around a hot bath or a good scrub in the shower? And if you’re up for fertility? Ummmm. Maybe eat some figs or something. Or, you could interpret “fertility” a bit more broadly (as I usually do) and think of it as “that which results in positive / creative output” of any sort: writing, art, music, cuisine… So maybe you could practice your ukulele, or make yourself some brownies, or write some fan-fic. Lupercalia: You love you.
Option 2: Ystävänpäivä. (No, I don’t really know how that’s pronounced, except that the accent is on the first syllable.) That’s “Friendship Day” in Finnish. Another thing to love about the Finns (other than Echidne of the Snakes, Marimekko, cloudberries, and saunas, which already has me like whoa): they put a little less focus on this (straight) couple-privileging thing. Friendship Day! Sex? Romance? Those are great, but this is a day to cherish your besties, whatever their sex or gender, and what could be nicer than that? So go have a drink with them, or order in Chinese food and catch up on news. Send an email or give a call, and remind each other of old jokes and good times. Ystävänpäivä: You love them, just not that way.
I love you crazy harpies. Happy February 14! Now, where’s my goatskin?