An e-mail I received today from a male reader about a “A Personal Change“, a post I wrote last year on women changing their names.
I know it’s been a year, but I wanted to take a sec to compliment you on this article.
To my wife and me, the main issue is choice – having the option to do things. We were married five weeks ago, she kept her name and I took her name. One of the reasons I made my choice was reading and thinking about the points in your excellent article.
All the best,
Mark
Thanks, Mark! I love that you took your wife’s name, and that, unlike so many other people, you thought about your choices as a couple and found a good solution that works for both of you. Glad I could help, even in a distant, blogger/opinionater kind of way!
Did he happen to say how his family reacted? Just curious.
My girlfriend and I have tossed around a number of possible solutions to the name dilemma, were we to get married. Since we aren’t planning on having children, a hyphenated name might work … but be unwieldy nonetheless. We’ve talked about composing a third name for ourselves, or me taking her name (she’s fairly attached to hers; me not so much). Given the fact we’re in a lesbian relationship, the name thing has less patriarchal import than it might otherwise. (That is, if I were thinking about marrying a man I’d probably be much more possessive of my current last name than I am with my partner).
On a blogging note, it’s always awesome to see the effect that blog posts can have in on-the-ground life situations and the influence they can have on personal decisions. Who says blogging doesn’t count as activism!?
This is great that he shared this. It is such a personal choice to change your last name — your legal identity, really. I think I would be more receptive to the practice if it still didn’t seem so automatic (not everywhere, but many places in the U.S.)…I’m not staunchly against changing one’s last name, but only if it’s a decision you make conscientiously and independent of family and/or social influence.
@MM: Nope, that was all he wrote.
@annajcook: I think the name-changing issue refracts a whole different subset of patriarchal issues when two women marry. Somewhere, at some point, I wrote a post about that…I think when Ellen Degeneres’s wife Portia took Ellen’s name. Will be curious to know what you decide!
And yes, getting these occasional e-mails from people does remind me that blogging is a worthwhile form of activism!
Given that blogging provides a different way to conduct discussions and conversations that are not as geographically or temporally limited, it’s kinda cool that your post has had resonance.
@Mark – if you’re around, it’s great that the two of you had discussions and did some thinking about how your family wishes to be known. Regardless of the name, it’s the deliberateness of the process and that there was an assumption of what the family name was from the outset.
All I have to say is that this post makes me really happy.
*sniff* Every time I read something like this, I get a happy warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s beneficial for everyone when we question privilege, and even the privileged can see it! *does a little dance*
I was taken to task on this website and others for something I wrote about a year ago. It was pretty traumatic experience for me at the time (even though I brought it all on myself.) Still, it’s led to a period of emotional growth for me. Since then I’ve become a regular reader of Jezebel and I’m adding this site to my bookmark bar as I type. Reading your commentary helps challenge some of my more entrenched thinking.
P.S. I guess, for others’ sake, I’d hope you might be a little less vicious in your attacks on individuals, as opposed to their behavior. I’m an athiest, but Catholic in this sense: We’re all sinners. Internet pile-ons are pretty hard to handle for someone with no real experience with the sudden amount of low-level fame and infamy which they bring. (This is again, not to say I didn’t have it coming)
@anothermalereader: Thanks for writing. Not sure which post you’re talking about, but yes, internet pile-ons are no fun. All of us here have been piled onto ourselves at one point or another. Personally, I’ve been roughed up—sometimes deservedly—and it sucked, but it actually was useful in that it led me to look at my own views critically and precipitated some emotional growth. As a rule, I think we try to focus on the behavior rather than the individual, but to be honest, sometimes the behavior reveals the individual to be racist, chauvinist, anti-Semitic, and I think it’s okay to be critical of someone for those reasons.
At any rate, welcome and glad you’re here!