So only poor, uneducated, working class whites and minorities are supposed to engage in domestic violence? I am sad that she was a victim and even sadder that she believes this.
In Which I Try To Contain My Emotions
Posted by foureleven in Heard, You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me, Anger, Race, Stereotypes, Violence against women and girls on Mar 13, 2011, 9:00am | 13 comments
13 Responses to “In Which I Try To Contain My Emotions”
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It’s not that one group is “supposed to” beat women, it’s that white upper middle class women have accepted the cover story that domestic violence is something “they” do, not something “we” do. The myth is that certain cultures are more steeped in machismo/tradition or poorly integrated into “western values” and so are more likely to engage in violence against women.
That’s a very tough way to have your prejudices upended.
I interpreted it as a statement of a cultural belief, not a personal one.
It’s like spousal abuse 101 that physical violence happens across class, race, gender, etc. So incredibly sad that this woman feels the need qualify why this dude wasn’t supposed to hit her. As Hanna said after reading it, “no one’s supposed to hit.” Full stop.
I agree with Danika about it repeating a cultural belief, and I think the OP is probably trying to use that juxtaposition of words and images to say “watch out, ladies, yuppie dudes are abusers too”…but it could be read as reinforcing the stereotype instead of contradicting it.
Of course I don’t know exactly what she meant, but I also read it as a statement of cultural belief — and hinting at the fear that if she did tell, no one would believe her because he’s white, educated, and upper middle class.
I have to say, I’m more angry at the email response that’s now posted below it: “smart, beautiful, strong, you’re not supposed to stay.” Maybe that, too, is about cultural beliefs, but I read it as an attempt at “encouragement” that ended up being victim-blamey.
This is very triggering. I don’t even think I can speak to the… that picture looks a lot like the ones I took of myself when my ex assaulted me.
@BeckySharper – Now that I think about it, it could be a cultural belief. When I first read it, I automatically assumed it was personal. The way she wrote it, it’s hard to be entirely sure.
@LSG – That’s a good point. I didn’t think about the assumption that people might not believe her because of his status. I just went back to PostSecret to read the e-mail response. That is bothering me too. Maybe the intentions are good, but the phrasing is off?
In my corner of the world, men who batter their partners up to some level of severity* are punished together outside of jail in a class that discusses DV. The class always has far more men of color than white, because those are the men who get punished, not because those are the men who commit dv. But the result is that the men in the class see the composition of it, and that reinforces the stereotype for them.
As for the person who posted the little “you’re not supposed to stay” tag, the best I can say is that they don’t understand the very good reasons that women have for staying. They start with cost benefit calculations for themselves and their kids.
pure stupid, imo, because if he assaulted a stranger he would be in jail. Since he’s intimate with her, his crime does not get punished like an assault.
in other words: white, educated, upper middle class, he’s not supposed to get punished for hitting her
@LSG: Yeah, because dumb, ugly, weak women are supposed to stay? That’s even worse.
Like others here, I read both the original post as a statement on our culture. I also (perhaps generously) read the response as one as well.
I think to response points to the unfortunate stereotypes out there that women who are smart, beautiful, and strong simply don’t put up with things like domestic violence. I think culturally, we like to believe that a woman who is dumb or ugly or weak might not have the ability to figure out how to leave or might not have any option but to stay. The myth that beauty prevents bad things from happening to someone is a pervasive one, and the myth that smart women aren’t emotionally manipulated is a dangerous one.
This is horrible, from the standpoint that no woman, of any station in life, deserves to be the victim of domestic abuse, and to think that somehow your position in society precludes you from victimization is ridiculous.
I’ve seen PSA-type posters like this before and I do think it is an attempt to address stereotypes that DV only happens to “those people.” I actually think it’s an important message to get out because people really think that DV, child abuse, etc do not happen in higher SES bracket families. And, when child abuse is concerned (and I would guess DV as well) the perpetrators kind of buy in to that stereotype to dismiss/minimize their own behavior. My family is one example but I do know others. I also know that other adults in my life (when I was a teenager) did not believe what was happening because I came from a family of professionals and, gee, educated people know better. Not that lower SES parents/spouses can’t be in denial, but when people have resources they can point to the material comforts offered as proof that they are not abusive/neglectful and I think the outside world buys into this. Sorry if this was kind of a rant, it just hits close to home. I’m for anything that educates people about the pervasive nature of abuse and forces all of us to acknowledge that it can happen anywhere, in any family.
@Mrs T – I often saw this phenomenon at AA/NA meetings. When an attractive women would relapse, od, or whatever, there would always be a couple of men who would say, “But she was so good looking.” Always drove me crazy…