Comments on: On Shaking It Off And Moving Forward

By: Finnegan

Finnegan — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 07:24:56 +0000

I recently dropped out of college, and although the “argh unmanly” thing didn’t do me too much damage (I mean, I spent six months in a bleak, near-suicidal depression, but in a more or less gender neutral way), it seriously wounded my relationship with my father. Between the failure itself (and of architecture, a very competitive course, which seemed to make it worse- I hadn’t just failed, I’d *lost*) and the ensuing depression, there emerged the unspoken suggestion that he had failed to raise me to be a “real man”, that, if I had failed at all, I should have dusted myself off and leap back into the fray. (And he’s somebody who himself who has struggled from depression, so it’s not simple insensitivity.) That, as you may have guessed, didn’t do either of us any favours.

By: SunlessNick

SunlessNick — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 23:04:00 +0000

I’m a severe depressive, but not part of a family, so the burdens being talked about here – apart from invisible disability, perhaps – don’t apply to me. I just wanted to send good thoughts the way of the other commenters and their SO’s.

By: Verity Khat

Verity Khat — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 18:52:14 +0000

@MarieAnelle: Lots of love and hope for your family, and I really hope that your husband remembers soon that he brings so much more to the family than bacon. (I mean, it’s not like the two of you had kids because it’s *profitable*, so why would his worth be monetary?!)

@The Nerd: Oh boy do I hear you on “If I’m dependent, I’m a woman, but I’m not a woman so I can’t be dependent”…and I identify as a woman! >_< It took me 25 years to figure out that accepting help is okay, even good, and I still have trouble with the concept sometimes.

By: foureleven

foureleven — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 11:42:42 +0000

Marie Anelle, sorry I am late to comment, but as I said before, if you ever need to vent, I’m always here.

By: annajcook

annajcook — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 17:24:39 +0000

I’m coming late to the game here, since I wasn’t able to get to comment threads yesterday.

First of all, thinking lots of powerful good thoughts toward you and your family, Marie Anelle. I truly do believe in the mantra “it won’t always feel this crap.” If only because the newness will wear off.

My partner, also, struggles with depression and so I speak as a fellow support person when I say it can sometimes be really exhausting and heartbreaking. We’re equals as partners overall, but there are times when I really am the caretaker right now. And we’re both determined not to make that a set pattern … but it happens in the short term. And that’s what you do for people you love, so … it’s my job right now, as her girlfriend.

In terms of what helps the support person … I’ve just recently decided I need to get counseling as well as my partner, so I have a protected space to sort out how my needs are going to be met. Sounds like you have plenty on your plate right now, but if you know counseling helps you … don’t put it off!

How does patriarchy/the kyriarchy/sexism hurt my girlfriend and our lives together? I am reminded on a daily basis that being queer in no way exempts you from all the normative pressure of beauty/body ideals that we grow up with as women. My girlfriend has an intense self-loathing for her body and has a really hard time imagining she could be sexually attractive to anyone (let alone me, whom she sees as more beautiful vis a vis cultural expectations than she is). I have never hated the sexist beauty culture more intensely than I have since the beginning of our relationship, as I see how living in that toxic soup of cultural judgment has damaged Hanna’s ability to see herself through my eyes.

By: NefariousNewt

NefariousNewt — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 11:15:56 +0000

Let’s see:

- losing a job and feeling worthless because I was not the provider
- having difficulty finding a job because of economic conditions and blaming my inadequacy
- loss of my self-confidence by not being able to find a job
- taking it upon myself to work myself ragged around the house to make up for not working
- plunging into depression simply because work is unavailable or unrelenting or uninspiring
- being made to feel — by society — that I’m nothing if I’m not supporting my family
- afraid to get therapy because of “how it may look”

Yeah, I’ve been there.

By: KJ

KJ — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:59:42 +0000

Patriachy hurts my family too. My Dad only recently learned how to talk about his emotions- growing up, I wondered if he loved me, because he never really showed it or wanted to do things with me.

My brother was pressured to be the one to ‘carry on the family name.’ He was supposed to be the wonderful, smart son and only male grandchild. When he didn’t go to the ‘right’ college, he was a disappointment. When he got depressed, he felt like a failure. Now, he is back in school and doing well, but feels angry at the world. He doesn’t control his anger well.

Patriarchy hurt me too. I had a eating disorder, was extremely perfectionist and suciadal through my adolescence. I felt like God hated me for being a girl.

What helped us all? Therapy. Lots of therapy. At one point, the entire family was in therapy, individually and jointly. It helped. I’m in school now to be a therapist, because I know therapy helps. My therapist was pretty good at understanding my feminism and encouraging me to be an activist- something I love her for.

By: betterfishtofry

betterfishtofry — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:26:16 +0000

My Dad just lost his job recently, the second time in three years, and it hits him really hard. He believes the only other emotion besides happy or confused is angry, so then he is difficult for all of us to deal with.

But his anger really is unexpressed sadness over being hurt, and as he sees it failing at his role as the breadwinner. He has been bugging me for years to get married so I can have someone who takes care of me, the idea of taking care of myself just worried him.

Good luck with your husband, and fibromylagia is an added burden, I really feel him. He is so lucky to have a woman like you in his life and all the support that brings. I hope things can get better, and sooner rather than later.

By: PetiteXL

PetiteXL — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:18:56 +0000

Really sorry to hear about what’s going down in your world, MA. As these comments show, you’re not alone.

Re: Instances of the patriarchy hurting men, I’ve got hundreds of examples from my own life, but here’s a particularly sad one. My father, in college in the late 40′s and early ’50s, wanted to be an elementary school teacher. He was bluntly discouraged: Teaching elementary school is for women, not men. These jobs don’t pay well. How do you think you are you going to support a family on this kind of salary? His loss, as well as societies. He is great with kids and would have made an excellent teacher. (One positive outcome: He eventually figured out his advisor was full of nonsense and he always made sure his kids knew their gender shouldn’t stop them from doing what they really wanted to do.)

Re: The depression – one thing that really helped me was dialectical behavioral therapy. I never went to a therapist who specifically practiced this method, just read up on it and did the exercises the treatment suggests. It helped me more than any other thing I tried.
DBT Therapy
It was originally intended as therapy for a different condition, but is often used in depression as well. Anyhow, I don’t often hear it mentioned as much as the standard cognitive behavioral therapy advice, so I thought I’d mention it. Everyone is different though, so keep trying ’til you find something that helps! Good luck to you… :O)

By: ahimsa

ahimsa — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:10:12 +0000

I forgot to say, I LOVED the comment by The Nerd so much that I have to repeat it:

Thankfully my boyfriend stepped in and said “you do not have to ask anyone’s permission to exist. We do not worship the Invisible Hand of the free market!”

I needed that reminder!! Thanks.