admit it: you now have the urge to do this to your local 911 or 999 operator
I don’t know about y’all, but in my household we’ve had a stretch of days where it seems almost impossible to believe that we’ve only reached Wednesday. And my brain is plumb out of brilliant and/or witty and/or insightful blog posts. So we’re falling back on the always-applicable xkcd. Thanks to Hanna for sharing this one via Google Reader this morning.
Consider this an open thread for links or thoughts about weird and/or wonderful shit that’s happened recently in your life.
One person noticed an off-the-cuff FB status update I made and told me it made them think.
Another person noticed a pendant with a specific meaning that I wear and appreciated it.
It’s always nice to remember that the things that you say and do are reaching people, even though sometimes it seems like you are trapped.
Because I haven’t had a chance to vent it anywhere else…
This Libya adventure is so fucking dumb.
I’m with you BDCB.
So I will share the Daily Show’s hilarious “Freedom Package” infomercial.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-march-21-2011/america-s-freedom-packages
The best part, IMO, is the fine print at the end, which includes “Offer not good in Gaza or the West Bank.”
Wonderfulness today includes: Being taken to dinner at a very fancy restaurant that I could never afford by a grateful client.
Also, I slept really well last night. After a good night’s sleep, anything is possible.
I started writing something about feminist-y things and Shakespeare and I thought I might send it to someone on the internets to see if they’d internet-publish it (like Persephone or something) but now I think I might take out the swearing and the part where I call King Lear an asshole and actually make it an academic paper: this is fun and happy.
Less fun and happy: I went to an academic conference last week and I asked a question and got smacked down in a way that made me sad and rethink my ability to stay in academia. I kind of disagree with how one of the panelists responded to me–the smack down–and think I could make a legitimate case for why my point was not totally wrong and stupid; furthermore I don’t think he actually understood what I was asking and thus his answer to a question I didn’t ask made it seem like I asked a dumb question. I don’t usually mind when people disagree with me–in fact I usually enjoy it–but for some reason I felt like I was an ant that someone stomped on. And even though two other panelists said “hey! good question.” to me when I ran into them afterward in the bathroom, I’m convinced that I looked like an asshole and an idiot and that they were just being nice.
Anyway what concerns me is less that I looked SO STUPID and more that I feel like I looked SO STUPID (and have for ~5 days). Was I really so stupid-looking? Perhaps. I mean I’m convinced I did, but it seems unlikely that anyone else would put as much thought into my question and his response, since nobody else is me, plus nobody there really even knew who I was so it’s unlikely that anybody is now thinking OH MY GOD DID YOU HEAR [CIMORENE'S] QUESTION WHAT A DUMB ASSHOLE.
But is the fact that my (already graduate-student-fragile/self-hating/arrogant) ego was crushed an indication that I shouldn’t be in this field? If someone disagrees with what I have to say about [other random shit], I’m like “whatever,” but I felt for the first time in my life like this guy’s disagreement-esque response was a direct response to me instead of my question/comment. If I get this upset whenever someone disagrees with my thoughts, then I should definitely not be in academia.
On the other hand I’ve been having issues with my antidepressants lately, and have been pretty depressed about some other shit, and I think that the semi-panic attack I had Friday night and the subsequent crazy anxiety I’ve been having might be related to my inability to see myself as worth anything at all, and I’ve been having non-suicidal fantasies of killing myself all weekend (i.e. I have not been feeling suicidal at all but I just keep thinking about me dying, without any impulse to actually kill myself), which is kind of what I did at the beginning of a depressive period in which I got seriously, incapacitatingly, self-destructively depressed a few years ago. I’m pretty sure this recent spell has to do with the alcohol I’ve been drinking lately mixed with my meds and the other problems I’ve been having with my prescriptions. So I think I might just be latching on to this not-really-mean-at-all reply as a specific thing to feel bad about just because my brain chemistry is all fucked up. Now my meds are back on track and I’ve decided to quit drinking, and I’m hoping I’ll stop feeling like everyone in the universe thinks I’m a fucking idiot. But still. I feel like a fucking idiot.
Cimorene, I had something kind of like that happen to me last year. I presented my dissertation research in a forum that, traditionally, is meant to be a reasonably safe space for late PhD students or early post-docs to present their work. As in you can expect to get good, challenging questions, but not the mean personal attacks for which a different seminar series at this same institution is (in)famous.
Well, someone didn’t get the memo, and viciously ripped into me in the Q&A session, all but calling my work worthless. I felt I handled it reasonably well, and met most of his challenges with explicit reasons and examples showing why his attacks were not justified. But of course I thought of better responses later. Also, the rest of the room fell absolutely silent (with the exception of a few people who backed me up at the moment), and I couldn’t tell if it was because they were shocked by his jerkitude or my ineptitude. Me being the perfectionist that I am, once I finished defending myself and was on my own, freaked the heck out, thinking it the end of my academic career.
Well, turns out that – to a one – they were shocked by him, and impressed by me. So much so that several high-ranking people approached him afterwards and basically made him apologize to me, which he did the next day. But I’m likely to have to face him again at a conference later this year (he works in my field), so you can bet I’ll be prepared!
Anyway, the tl;dr here is – it may well be that you’re being overly hard on yourself, and the attacker is the one who came across as a jerk, not you. It’s natural to be upset the first time(s) someone attacks you and your work. But for me I see it as immunization of a sort. Now that I know what to expect – and know that the audience is as likely to be put off by the attacker as by me – I can anticipate tough questions in the future, prepare good answers, and develop a thicker skin to let the attacks roll right off me. Hang in there!
Writing anonymously this time, just in case anyone ever figures out my other alter-ego.
What’s weird in my life right now is that my dating life has gone a bit haywire – somehow I find myself with three interested guys at once. Now, I’m not very experienced at dating, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to ask you Harpies: at what point do you think you should get exclusive? I don’t know any of the three guys very well right now, and nothing’s happened with any of them yet (not even a kiss), but I feel like that must be coming soon if we keep meeting up.
The problem is, I just don’t know who I like best right now – one is more attractive, but the other is more chill, and the third is really funny. I feel like I just need more time to figure it all out before I commit to one person and a relationship. I’ve never had more than 1 guy I’m dating at a time and am not sure about the diplomacy of it all. How would you all deal? Just keep seeing them casually until it becomes clear? Tell them that I’m seeing other people so that there’s no misunderstanding? I think all three of them might be quite sensitive and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I also don’t feel ready to commit to anything serious at this point…
PS @ Cimorene: It sounds like the other guy made an ass of himself, not you. Although I don’t know how much it helps to hear it. I hope you start feeling better soon.
@Anonyma, I dated several guys at the same time a few years ago, after ~10 years of serial mongamy (3 LTRs back to back). It felt really weird to me at first, as I’d never seen more than one guy at a time before. But at the same time, it logically made sense to me. Why limit yourself to just 1 guy, and give up on other potential partners, in case #1 turns out to not be right? Sometimes that can take a long time to figure out.
For me, I decided to treat all relationships as non-exclusive until we had “the talk” and explicitly defined the relationship as exclusive. Even when, later, I was only seeing one guy, I didn’t expect him to only be seeing me until we specifically talked about it and said we were exclusive. So, I’d say that if you’re not ready to pick just one guy – don’t. When you’re ready, have that discussion with him. Until then, and/or until he initiates that discussion with you, enjoy the ride!
So I’ve been busy offering advice to other people, and not mentioning what’s weird and wonderful in my life. Well, the big thing that’s both weird and kinda good, if not wonderful, in my life is that I just made a huge realization re: things that went on in my childhood that have affected who I am today. Without revealing too much, I had always known that my mother had some serious issues, and that the ways she dealt with those issues when I was young had affected my sense of self and, subsequently, my adult relationships. But I always felt, deep down, that somehow my issues – my hyper-perfectionism, self-esteem issues, and etc. – were just that, my own issues and faults. Then last week I stumbled across a website that, I swear, I could have written myself – many of the examples of things said/done/felt were taken word-for-word from my life. All the little loose pieces of my life suddenly make sense, and I realized that voice inside me was hers, not mine. At 38, I’ve finally been able to shut that voice down. I can’t begin to tell you what a relief that is!
@Cimorene, my girlfriend Hanna had a similar experience at a regional history conference a few years ago. The session commenter ripped into her and a fellow panalist in a completely inappropriate way. This was one of the first conferences they’d ever presented at and were freaked and humiliated by the experience. But the cool thing was that all the more experienced people in the room sought them out afterwards and were like, “that was totally inappropriate of him,” and later the President of the organization hosting the conference made it clear to the douche commenting that he was never going to be invited back. And made a personal apology to both Hanna and her co-presenter. So while the experience itself was shitty, the way the professional community rallied and responded was actually pretty cool.
Hope you’re able to recover. I try to remind myself that there’s zero excuse for someone to act like a dick towards someone who’s asking a good-faith question, however “stupid” the person being asked thinks the question is.
Rule #1 for all occasions: “Don’t be a Dick.” It applies so broadly!
I just want to make it clear–to defend an anonymous person that none of you know–that the dude in question really did not answer inappropriately. Or at least I don’t think he did. I mean, he wasn’t being an asshole, at all. I have heard about and seen people be shitty at conferences, but this was not that. He just answered a question as he thought it should be answered. The point is that my reaction and ability to gauge my own reasonableness–in asking the question, in the response to his answer–is completely haywire.
My 2.5-year-old son, who has been playing with language a lot lately, has been calling his dad and me “my friend, [mr. elibard]” and “my friend, [elibard]” As in, using our first names. Now, at first it was cute. And I get it – he sees it on WordWorld, so he’s trying it out. And his dad and I call each other by our first names. But given that I’m not only working outside the home, but that we just moved so I was away from my two boys and husband for two weeks, and since they got here I’ve been working really long hours and rarely get to see them, his terminology has been bothering me. Even though technically I know it doesn’t reflect his relationship with me, I still want to be “Mommy” or some variation thereof, not a “friend.” (What, if I work even more late nights, I’ll rank lower than the dog?) And it also plays into longer-term thoughts about wanting to be very clear that I’m his mom first, friend second – and sometimes I’ll make decisions he doesn’t like, etc. I know it doesn’t mean the end of the world for him to call me a friend. But still, words have power. So the last couple of days I’ve said a few times something to the effect of “Honeybear, I love it when you call me Mommy. Would you be willing to call me Mommy?” And then responding to whatever he calls me.
Just this morning he settled on “my friend, Mommy.”
That makes me very happy. Best of both worlds!
@viajera: thanks for the advice!
I can relate to your experience of finding out that your mother has a problem and it helping you shut out her voice – in my case, it was BPD. A therapist recommended I look at a book about it and it was like something I could have written myself.
People talk about girls with ‘daddy issues’ in the media all the time, but I feel like for a lot of women, because of the complicated process of identification daughters go through with their mothers, difficulties with the mother can be a bigger issue. I wish it were talked about more in the media.
@viajera – I can very much relate! Because mental illness has been so shunned, people often don’t the very real signs and manifestations in their own lives. Finding out that the weirdness has a real (predictable!) pattern – and thus a cause that is OUTSIDE your particular head, and likely inside the other person’s chemistry – can be very freeing. If one is lucky, it can even lead to better relationship with the person who has the “issues.” After all, much of the weirdness was not necessarily under their own control, eh? And certainly not under yours. So, good for you!
@Cimorene – I’m so sorry the a-hole was such to you. It seems as though everyone I know who has been to grad school has had a similar experience. I’m glad others have been so supportive to you. I hope you keep going in school if that’s what you want to do!
@Anonyma – Just reinforcing what others have said. Until one of you feels the need to make an exclusive arrangement and discuss it, I would assume that you are free to enjoy dating. No need to close off doors. You need time to figure out who you enjoy the most.
@Anonyma: I wholeheartedly second viajera’s advice about treating relationships as casual until you’ve had “the talk.” I often will date more than one guy at a time, but in my experience, they tend to opt out and self-select pretty quickly. Frankly, I think of it as a form of romantic Darwinism…the stronger candidates survive, the weaker ones will not. Thing happen in life, and some may drop out for their own reasons, or you will have decided that you dont’ want them for whatever reason, and eventually, you’ll be left with the best guy for you. Or perhaps there won’t be a winner at all and you enter into another round of selection. No need to force the decision—fate will usually make it. Personally, I usually give it two months, but everyone has their own timeframe that works best for them.
If after a little while, you decide that you really prefer one guy over the others, feel free to say to him, “Look, I’m really enjoying being with you and I’m thinking I might like to date you exclusively. How do you feel about that?” If he’s not cool with that, hey, you still have other options!
@elibard: The thing I like about this is that your son is used to hearing you and the mister call each other by your first names and not Mommy and Daddy. It always makes me want to gag when couples call each other Mommy and Daddy.
@viajera – Those moments of discovery are wonderful. I’m so glad you’ve found peace from the criticism you’ve been carrying around with you.
@Cimorene – I have that sense a lot: was the person actually a jerk, or am I just being over-sensitive? It can make things really difficult, because not only am I dealing with the actual comments or actions of the other person, but then I’m starting to doubt myself and question my hold on reality. I’ve found this is a particularly awful thing when paired with an abusive person, as I’m less likely to catch the abuse and call it like it is because I’m pre-programed to think I’m just being over-sensitive. Even if you did take it a bit harder than someone else might’ve I don’t think it means you need to give up on your place in academia. Also, I’ve had those non-suicidal-yet-death thoughts before; they’ve usually been a sign that I’m feeling too stressed and looking for a way out. Maybe you could set aside some time for self-care and see if it helps at all.
@Anonyma – I’ll second what others have said about trying things out and waiting until the talk comes up (or until you initiate the talk).
As for me… last Friday (the 11th), I participated in a project my queer friend is working on as part of her dissertation, about collective autobiographies. She asked me and two other queer people to answer a few difficult questions about our lives.
One question was to share a memory we hold close to our hearts, even if it’s not a pleasant one.
I shared the memory of when my ex-boyfriend physically assaulted me in 2007.
For the past couple of years, I’ve been involved in the issue of domestic violence. I’ve read blogs, replied to discussions, read survivor’s accounts, and generally felt like I was “over” his assault. I hadn’t shared my story with anyone since a few months after he assaulted me, which was almost four years ago.
When I shared my account of him assaulting me with my three friends, I cried. A lot. And ever since then, I’ve felt paper-thin. Things that didn’t bother me before suddenly left me incoherent and in tears.
It didn’t help that, a week ago, I told my sort-of boyfriend about the whole thing only to have him say it was my fault and that now I “know better” and I can be “smart” and not let it happen again. (Yes, I dumped his sorry ass.)
I thought I was over my ex assaulting me, but I’m thinking now that I need to find a survivor’s website and tell my story, in detail. One, because I want to get it out of me so it’s not clinging so tightly. Two, because maybe it will help other people somehow. And three, because with so many people saying it’s my fault or implying it’s my fault, I feel like I need to push back against that and scream at the top of my lungs, “WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS NOT MY FAULT!”
@elibard: When I was younger I went through a phase where I called my parents by their first names. I was their first kid and they referred to each other by their first names. An older neighbor down the street heard me call my mother by her name and had a fit about how it was disrespectful etc. It upset my parents to the point of calling eachother ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ in front of me. Thing is, I don’t see how ‘mommy’ is all that respectful. If you want to be respectful it’s ‘mother’ or ‘father’ and ‘ma’am’ or ‘sir.’ Quite frankly, I find it much more jarring when a child uses that type of language when talking about and to his/her parents. It makes their relationship seem distant and stilted.
Now that I think about when my husband talks to his father he calls him Dad’s-name-ie (it’s not a name that is usually shortened with -ie or -y). He doesn’t call him ‘dad.’ He pretty much exclusively uses ‘mutti’ (German word for ‘mom’ I think) when talking to his mom.
Uh, I guess the point was, if you don’t really care for it, don’t worry too much (especially if you’re asking him to call you ‘mommy’), it’s probably just a phase.
I have discovered that an academic on which my honours thesis was partially based is coming to the University where I currently tutor, in Sydney, Australia – to speak about his current book. I recently bought a copy of his book, and am enjoying it immensely.
Unfortunately I am tutoring at the time he is presenting, so I got in contact with my former honours supervisor, and I am able to meet him and get my book signed.
I am still so excited that I wasn’t able to sleep very well last night. Thinking of whole threads of comments and questions to ask.
I am still super excited. This will be the second ever autograph I have specifically asked for, and I can already feel the “starry eyed teenager meeting a rock god” emotions building..
@skada: It was not your fault. I’m glad you dtmfa.
Cim, you could always submit your work to us!
Wierd but wonderful: received a huge, not exactly expected promotion at work. I had 3 days notice to start my new job 80 miles away! The week has been a whirlwind of starting the new job, finding a place to live, packing up my old house, etc. I’m putting an offer on a house this morning, so everything is falling into place, but WOW!
@MM – Thank you. It might sound silly, but it means so much to hear that.
@Mackey – It’s so awesome to meet people we look up to. I hope he’s just as great in person and you get that autograph.
@oddwomanout – Congrats on your promotion! What a lovely surprise! Here’s hoping the relocation and settling in goes smoothly.
Hiya all,
just to say it’s good to hear your stories and advice, especially about academia and dating, since both are very relevant to me right now. Forewarned is forearmed and all (I’m six months into my PhD and am out dating for the first time in over two years).
PS Viajera, please could you post a link to that website you found? It sounds like it might be quite useful to me.
@Skada – it was NOT YOU! I was abused by an ex-boyfriend as well, and for a long time I didn’t talk about it with anyone – in part for fear of being judged to be at fault. I know too many people who, having never been in the situation, don’t understand how difficult the abusers make it to leave, and blame the victim. But I’ve started sharing my story recently, and I find it both a relief to myself to get it out, and an opportunity to educate people who do not know better that victim weak, and it is not the victim’s fault.
@NessieMonster – The site I’m referring to is Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. If this sounds familiar, I also recommend Karyl McBride’s book “Will I Ever be Good Enough”. Also, feel free to drop me a line at my handle followed by 06 at gmail if you want to chat more about it.
Edit: that was supposed to be “victim does not equal weak” (I forget that greater/lesser than signs are read as html tags).
Also – thanks everyone for the advice/commiseration/etc!
I ask for advice and then go off the grid for two days, silly me.
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the advice, I’m feeling much better about everything now!
@Cimorene – “my reaction and ability to gauge my own reasonableness–in asking the question, in the response to his answer–is completely haywire” – I’m totally the same way, and I think it’s cost me a couple of friends in the last month. So if good wishes and virtual hugs from a complete internet stranger mean anything, you have mine.
@Skada: Again. Not your fault, so not, no matter how many people try to tell you otherwise.