There’s a lyric in the unabashedly sentimental song ‘Hey There Delilah’ by the Plain White T’s that goes, Our friends would all make fun of us, and we’ll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way.
For a long time that lyric was my ex and me to a ‘T’. We were that couple sitting on each others’ laps at the pool, stealing kisses at dinner parties, always seeming like we were the only two people in a romantic comedy. We were never “smug marrieds,” just had a connection so strong that it was hard to let each other go, hard to stay away. And now it’s over.
As I discussed briefly in my first post for Harpyness, I recently reentered the dating pool after a nearly ten year relationship, and quickly found myself struggling to adapt. Friends and family members flung names and phone numbers at me like someone handing out flyers on a corner. I joined an online dating site, seeing as how the stigma of online dating seemed to have come and gone (especially after having recently been to a wonderful wedding for a high school friend who met his wife on eHarmony). I found myself falling in and out of mini-relationships. Five weeks here, a month there. Both ended for different reasons. The first woman had a difficult time reconciling my being in the process of divorce. The second woman I was developing feelings for, until she admitted that she was fairly confident that she didn’t want to have children–a sad dealbreaker. Just recently I broke up with someone for the first time in over a decade, a woman I’d gone out with for a few weeks but had yet to find a connection. Ending the ‘relationship’, despite its short duration, was a foreign thing to me, and I legitimately felt bad about it for a few days.
Over the past four or five months, I’ve probably been on dates with a dozen women or so. Some people want to know the details of my situation, some never broach the subject. But I’ve heard a curious phrase said by several women I’ve been out with, along with those aforementioned friends and family members. When they learn I’m newly single, they say, “You must feel like a kid in a candy store.”
People expect, now that I’m single, that I’ll be like a lapsed diabetic entering Dylan’s Candy Bar for the first time in years. Grabbing items off the shelf. Tasting and discarding at my leisure, having a ball because there are just so many different treats to be discovered. Truth be told, at first being single was somewhat exciting. I met new women, both on dates and randomly. I discovered, to my surprise, that meeting people was relatively easy. But soon the excitement waned. Yes, I was a kid in a candy store, but the multitude of sweets didn’t really interest me. I think I’ve always been a bit of a romantic at heart, never wanted to sample a million treats but rather find the right one that would make me happy for years. I once thought I had that.
I have a younger sister, at the age where many of her friends are now getting married, engaged, or are in serious relationships. She and my mother had a large fight the other week, due to my sister’s feelings that my mother was doing everything she could to set me up, but had done nothing to help my sister find the right guy. My mother’s response, I suppose, was telling. “There are just more single women out there than single men,” she said. “I ask my friends about their single sons, but there really just aren’t many.” I guess that’s where the candy store line comes in.
I wondered if I should change my standards, ease what I was looking for. My family is not particularly religious, but I still hope to maintain my Jewish faith. However I have a cousin in her mid-thirties who never dated anyone seriously, then met an incredible non-Jewish man who has made her insanely happy and fit into our family with ease. Just a few weeks ago, she gave birth to their first child.
And my dalliances upon being newly single came not from joy, but from loneliness, from need. I went through a period of several months where I was going out four or five nights a week, either to local bars, to meet friends, or to go on dates. much of this did not occur because I relished the night life, but because after nearly a decade of living with, or being with the same person, I didn’t know how to be alone. So being surrounded at all times, even by complete strangers, eased my sadness, took my mind off of things, prevented me from yet another night on the couch or in front of the computer realizing I no longer had that confidant that took up so much of my time and thoughts over the years.
And that’s what I’m looking for most. I’m not interested in the rows and rows of candy, despite the stereotypes about newly single men. When I hear that line, I smile and give a disingenuous, “Sure, I guess so.” But it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I don’t really want the random sugar rush. I want that one person who makes me rethink of those lyrics, who makes me smile, knowing that nobody can understand our connection. Until then, I’m the blind man in the candy store. Reluctantly reaching my hand into random jars, hoping that one, just one, will be the type I can live with the rest of my life.
“There are just more single women out there than single men,” she said. “I ask my friends about their single sons, but there really just aren’t many.”
I’m struck by this anecdote from your post, NMB. Since I was never in the straight dating scene (I’m bi, but never really dated at all before falling for my current partner) I wonder whether this is actually a widespread perception in hetero circles? Since there can’t possibly be a literal gender imbalance to that extent (at least here in the U.S. where I believe the populations are roughly equal), I wonder what contributes to the feeling that there is a lack of single men for hetero women to date, and therefore a whole flood of women waiting for the available single man?
“I guess that’s where the candy store line comes in.”
I would actually say that it comes from the widespread misconception that men relish being single/playing the field/sowing their wilds oats/whatever, while women *hate* singledom and can’t wait to snatch up Mr. Right and nest before the clock starts ticking.
“I wonder whether this is actually a widespread perception in hetero circles?”
It’s certainly the perception in my circle – although I’d probably add a qualifier: there are more “desirable” single women out there than there are “desirable” single men, meaning that there are more women who will try hard to make a relationship work, even if that requires sacrifices, while also demanding respect and equality than there are men willing to meet them on equal terms. I don’t know to what extent that represents a reality or is simply an impression created by the profile members of each group feel they have to present or which is thrust upon them regardless. I suspect the second.
Not Mr. Big, for what it’s worth, I think there’s real value in taking some time to discover who you are as an individual outside of a relationship. That way you’ve got a better chance of finding a suitable partner instead of misleading your dates (because that’s what it sounds like you’re doing) about your experiences and needs.
@annaj: I told Not Mr. Big in a PM that I think it’s either a matter of perception or his mom’s hit a patch of outliers because statistically, there are not significantly more unmarried 20something women than unmarried 20something men in our society (the only time you see a real discrepancy of more single women than single men is when you’re talking about the elderly). I put it down to the double standard that single women are always looking to settle down but single men aren’t.
I also think fuschia’s got a real point when she says I don’t know to what extent that represents a reality or is simply an impression created by the profile members of each group feel they have to present or which is thrust upon them regardless. It seems to me that there’s a pernicious, self-perpetuating stereotype that many (mostly white, educated, professional) women buy into of believing that “all the good men are taken.” As a single woman from that class who dates frequently, I have not found that to be true at all, but boy, I hear it a lot and if you believe it, it’s really demoralizing.
As Becky said in our PM, and I agree, I think it has something to do with social circles. That said, in my social circle (which, admittedly, is a rather small sample size) I know many more single women than single men. I do think this is a kind of self-perpetuating stereotype, and kind of ties into my previous post. For men, I think, being a cad is looked at as romantic, enviable (see: Clooney, George), whereas being a single woman is seen as sad, spinsterish, regardless of success (see: Aniston, Jennifer). Personally I hate the tropes that society seems to have placed on men and women, as though they’re trying to tell us what we ‘should’ want as opposed to sitting back and letting us decide what we ‘do’ want. I don’t believe that ‘all the good men are taken’ any more than ‘all the good women are taken’.
Fuschia, I agree with you on your first point, that it is important to find myself, and doing that is tantamount to both being happy, and making someone else happy. But I also don’t feel I’m misleading people. I’m remarkably candid about my circumstances with anyone who asks, for better or worse, because I feel if a relationship isn’t founded on honesty, it’s a castle made of sand.
@Becky – While I think that’s true, I have seen some evidence that there are more men of that age group than women who identify as “forever alone” — basically, who have given up on dating for whatever reason (mismatch of their standards and the work they’re willing to do on themselves, afraid to put themselves out there, etc). As much as I’ve heard women joke about giving up on men after a bad breakup, I don’t know many women for whom a string of rejections or failed relationships is enough to really prompt them to abandon the whole enterprise of dating. By contrast, I have male relatives who’ve gone on a couple of dates that went nowhere, got rejected a couple of times when asking women out, and now have essentially decided that it’s not worth the effort (and they’re about 25).
@baraqiel: Yes, and I know some women who fit that description too, but I think people who’ve truly given up on dating/relationships entirely are outliers compared to the overall single population.
I also think that there’s a certain type of person who will say “Oh, I’ve given up on dating” as a way to deflect the prying questions and negative attention that come along with being single. They may still want very much to find a partner, but in some ways it’s an easier to say “I’ve given up on dating” than to say than “I’ve been dating but haven’t met the right person yet and it’s tiring and frustrating and I worry that it’s about me, not them, so I’d really prefer not to talk about it or listen to your unsolicted advice, thanks.”
@Becky – Generally speaking, I agree. I do think that there is a phenomenon in which women are more strongly pressured against giving up major forms of social interaction than men, though, and that therefore there are perhaps fewer women than men who have seriously given up on dating.
Also regarding the stats, I don’t know how big a difference needs to be before it’s perceptible, but there are some places where there is a literal gender imbalance. For example, in Austen there are ~106 men for every 100 women, in Philly, there are ~87 men for every 100 women, and in New York there are 90 men for every 100 women. I honestly have no idea how that plays out experientially but thought it was interesting (source: http://www.nationalatlas.gov/articles/people/a_gender.html ) Interestingly, according to 2009 data from the census bureau, there are more never-married men than never-married women in every age group and more divorced women than divorced men in every age group.
@baraqiel: Good stats! You’re more of a data-cruncher than me…are those statistically significant? I too have no idea how experiencially significant they are. You’d have to do an age breakdown to really see how they affect dating in the 20-30 age range, because women will always be a slightly higher percentage of the population than men due to the discrepancy in life expectancy (Which if the stats are to be believed doesn’t apply in Austin!)
I suspect the discrepancy between divorced men and women is because more divorced men are likely to remarry (maybe to those never-been married women?), whereas divorced women are less likely to remarry.
Mr. Not Big, I was referring your statement that “When I hear that line, I smile and give a disingenuous, ‘Sure, I guess so’” and then go on to explain how nothing could be further from the truth. That kinda sounds like a misrepresentation to me (although I guess I do see why you wouldn’t feel the need to make an ardent declaration of your desire to be paired up on a first date).
@Baraqiel: “I do think that there is a phenomenon in which women are more strongly pressured against giving up major forms of social interaction than men, though, and that therefore there are perhaps fewer women than men who have seriously given up on dating.”
I would also say that it takes a lot more thought and self-awareness to consciously decide to swim against the stream of society’s stereotypes and gendered expectations – ergo there’s like to be far more men out there ready to declare their commitment to the single life and women decided that they actually do want a long-term committed relationship. The second quite understandably find the assertions of the first discouraging (whether all the self-declared men-about-town are actually likely to remain single for life is another matter).
I also think that common perceptions about older women being undesirable, as well as the pressure women are placed under to have kids young also play a role.
Well, if you trust this guy: http://www.xoxosoma.com/singles/?n=1&x=3&a=1 , then you were totally right about it being basically all perception — his map shows that when normalized against the population of an area, there are almost always more single men in the 20-34 age range (using 2006 census data).
There is also the fact that “[young] single woman” probably has a lower age cutoff in many people’s minds than “[young] single man.” If we make that assumption explicit, then there might actually be more single men ages 20-45 than single women ages 20-35.
I’ve actually experienced the opposite of the “typical” ratio when it comes to single men and women. In my social circle, at least, I’ve noticed women tend to be more likely to be in a relationship, and also tend to find a new significant other right after a relationship ends. That might be due to the skewed sex ratios in my group, however (there’s about a 1 to 5 woman to man ratio).
in response to what fuchsia was saying, i interpreted the “disingenuous ‘sure, I guess so’” as Not Mr. Big’s response to nosy friends and family members who tell him he must feel like a kid in a candy store, though in his post he says it happens on dates too, so your interpretation could be right.
But the thing that stood out to me in this post and in Not Mr. Big’s previous post about his breakup was how he characterized the women as “admitting” that they didn’t want kids. I got the impression that he thought that this was something they were hiding from him and that they should have disclosed earlier. Since he described this particular relationship as lasting just about a month, it doesn’t seem at all like a delayed disclosure to me. Heck, I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for more or less a year now, depending on when you start counting, and we’re nowhere near talking about marriage or babies or moving in together, because we’re happy with the way things are right now and aren’t really interested in planning the future yet. (We’re 27, just for context in case you’re thinking I’m a high school senior talking about my junior prom date.)
So I would suggest to Not Mr. Big that if women don’t state their feelings on babies right away, it doesn’t mean they’re trying to hide from the issue. There are lots of women who don’t want babies, so they may assume it’s perfectly normal and may not feel a need to bring it up. I would also note that women who do want babies are told NOT to talk about those desires with men they’re dating because it will scare off men, and women who don’t want them are also told not to, pretty much for the same reason.
oh, also because the post opened with a quote, I should admit my prejudice against the song “Hey There Delilah” (i.e. sorry, I might have been biased against the poster because of his use of the quote). I vaguely knew the girl Delilah who it was written about- I ran against her in track and cross country and she’s a superstar (Olympic trials and World championships) – and the lyrics just rub me the wrong way: “Two more years and you’ll be done with school and I’ll be making history like I do.” She’s way more accomplished than the singer, and he’s acting like he’s such a big shot. Maybe it’s meant ironically and he really respects her achievements, but it grates on me every time I hear it.