Comments on: Tooth Decay: A Guest Post by Not Mr. Big

By: jess

jess — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 03:18:34 +0000

oh, also because the post opened with a quote, I should admit my prejudice against the song “Hey There Delilah” (i.e. sorry, I might have been biased against the poster because of his use of the quote). I vaguely knew the girl Delilah who it was written about- I ran against her in track and cross country and she’s a superstar (Olympic trials and World championships) – and the lyrics just rub me the wrong way: “Two more years and you’ll be done with school and I’ll be making history like I do.” She’s way more accomplished than the singer, and he’s acting like he’s such a big shot. Maybe it’s meant ironically and he really respects her achievements, but it grates on me every time I hear it.

By: jess

jess — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 02:51:28 +0000

in response to what fuchsia was saying, i interpreted the “disingenuous ‘sure, I guess so’” as Not Mr. Big’s response to nosy friends and family members who tell him he must feel like a kid in a candy store, though in his post he says it happens on dates too, so your interpretation could be right.
But the thing that stood out to me in this post and in Not Mr. Big’s previous post about his breakup was how he characterized the women as “admitting” that they didn’t want kids. I got the impression that he thought that this was something they were hiding from him and that they should have disclosed earlier. Since he described this particular relationship as lasting just about a month, it doesn’t seem at all like a delayed disclosure to me. Heck, I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for more or less a year now, depending on when you start counting, and we’re nowhere near talking about marriage or babies or moving in together, because we’re happy with the way things are right now and aren’t really interested in planning the future yet. (We’re 27, just for context in case you’re thinking I’m a high school senior talking about my junior prom date.)

So I would suggest to Not Mr. Big that if women don’t state their feelings on babies right away, it doesn’t mean they’re trying to hide from the issue. There are lots of women who don’t want babies, so they may assume it’s perfectly normal and may not feel a need to bring it up. I would also note that women who do want babies are told NOT to talk about those desires with men they’re dating because it will scare off men, and women who don’t want them are also told not to, pretty much for the same reason.

By: SamRisna

SamRisna — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 01:02:14 +0000

I’ve actually experienced the opposite of the “typical” ratio when it comes to single men and women. In my social circle, at least, I’ve noticed women tend to be more likely to be in a relationship, and also tend to find a new significant other right after a relationship ends. That might be due to the skewed sex ratios in my group, however (there’s about a 1 to 5 woman to man ratio).

By: Sara

Sara — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 00:37:35 +0000

There is also the fact that “[young] single woman” probably has a lower age cutoff in many people’s minds than “[young] single man.” If we make that assumption explicit, then there might actually be more single men ages 20-45 than single women ages 20-35.

By: baraqiel

baraqiel — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:02:58 +0000

Well, if you trust this guy: http://www.xoxosoma.com/singles/?n=1&x=3&a=1 , then you were totally right about it being basically all perception — his map shows that when normalized against the population of an area, there are almost always more single men in the 20-34 age range (using 2006 census data).

By: fuchsia

fuchsia — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:00:17 +0000

Mr. Not Big, I was referring your statement that “When I hear that line, I smile and give a disingenuous, ‘Sure, I guess so’” and then go on to explain how nothing could be further from the truth. That kinda sounds like a misrepresentation to me (although I guess I do see why you wouldn’t feel the need to make an ardent declaration of your desire to be paired up on a first date).

@Baraqiel: “I do think that there is a phenomenon in which women are more strongly pressured against giving up major forms of social interaction than men, though, and that therefore there are perhaps fewer women than men who have seriously given up on dating.”

I would also say that it takes a lot more thought and self-awareness to consciously decide to swim against the stream of society’s stereotypes and gendered expectations – ergo there’s like to be far more men out there ready to declare their commitment to the single life and women decided that they actually do want a long-term committed relationship. The second quite understandably find the assertions of the first discouraging (whether all the self-declared men-about-town are actually likely to remain single for life is another matter).

I also think that common perceptions about older women being undesirable, as well as the pressure women are placed under to have kids young also play a role.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 20:45:17 +0000

@baraqiel: Good stats! You’re more of a data-cruncher than me…are those statistically significant? I too have no idea how experiencially significant they are. You’d have to do an age breakdown to really see how they affect dating in the 20-30 age range, because women will always be a slightly higher percentage of the population than men due to the discrepancy in life expectancy (Which if the stats are to be believed doesn’t apply in Austin!)

I suspect the discrepancy between divorced men and women is because more divorced men are likely to remarry (maybe to those never-been married women?), whereas divorced women are less likely to remarry.

By: baraqiel

baraqiel — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 20:33:08 +0000

@Becky – Generally speaking, I agree. I do think that there is a phenomenon in which women are more strongly pressured against giving up major forms of social interaction than men, though, and that therefore there are perhaps fewer women than men who have seriously given up on dating.

Also regarding the stats, I don’t know how big a difference needs to be before it’s perceptible, but there are some places where there is a literal gender imbalance. For example, in Austen there are ~106 men for every 100 women, in Philly, there are ~87 men for every 100 women, and in New York there are 90 men for every 100 women. I honestly have no idea how that plays out experientially but thought it was interesting (source: http://www.nationalatlas.gov/articles/people/a_gender.html ) Interestingly, according to 2009 data from the census bureau, there are more never-married men than never-married women in every age group and more divorced women than divorced men in every age group.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 20:11:29 +0000

@baraqiel: Yes, and I know some women who fit that description too, but I think people who’ve truly given up on dating/relationships entirely are outliers compared to the overall single population.

I also think that there’s a certain type of person who will say “Oh, I’ve given up on dating” as a way to deflect the prying questions and negative attention that come along with being single. They may still want very much to find a partner, but in some ways it’s an easier to say “I’ve given up on dating” than to say than “I’ve been dating but haven’t met the right person yet and it’s tiring and frustrating and I worry that it’s about me, not them, so I’d really prefer not to talk about it or listen to your unsolicted advice, thanks.”

By: baraqiel

baraqiel — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 20:04:57 +0000

@Becky – While I think that’s true, I have seen some evidence that there are more men of that age group than women who identify as “forever alone” — basically, who have given up on dating for whatever reason (mismatch of their standards and the work they’re willing to do on themselves, afraid to put themselves out there, etc). As much as I’ve heard women joke about giving up on men after a bad breakup, I don’t know many women for whom a string of rejections or failed relationships is enough to really prompt them to abandon the whole enterprise of dating. By contrast, I have male relatives who’ve gone on a couple of dates that went nowhere, got rejected a couple of times when asking women out, and now have essentially decided that it’s not worth the effort (and they’re about 25).