As exquisitely proper and seemingly old-fashioned as she is, Miss Manners is no pushover for the Patriarchy, and she proved it again in this week’s column.
Dear Miss Manners:
My daughter is getting married next year and is having a dilemma as to who should walk her down the aisle. Her father and I were divorced when she was 2. He has been involved in her life but not as much as she would have liked. Her stepfather has been around since she was 5.
She cannot figure out which one to choose without hurting the other’s feelings. She thinks both escorting her would be too much.
Help! Do you have several solutions or suggestions?
Read on…
Miss Manners replies:
One: You.
Miss Manners would not have had trouble with the two-father solution, as avoiding hurt feelings is a worthy goal when planning a wedding. But does it not seem odd to you that a male must give her away, and not the parent who has had her for her entire life?
Indeed, traditionally, giving away a bride was not an exclusively male role. Widows, for example, gave their daughters away. In this case, both fathers will be able to beam equally at the sight of you giving away the daughter you consistently reared.
::standing ovation::
If I had a traditional wedding—admittedly a big if—this would be almost exactly my situation. My father remained in my life after my parents’ divorce, although not as much as I would like, and in many ways, my stepfather has been the more involved, caring male figure in my life. But I’ve always bristled at the idea that I have to be given away by a man, particularly as that relegates my mom—the parent who really did the work of raising me—to being just a spectator. I suspect I’d either walk down the aisle by myself, with my mom or in a rather crowded herd with all my parents, which is more in keeping with the Jewish tradition of parents standing up with their children.
Those of you who faced this issue…what did you do? And Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there!
I walked down the aisle alone because I don’t like the idea of being given away by anyone. If my Dad and I got along better, I might’ve had some sentimental qualms about that, but probably not.
My aunts tried to talk me into letting both parents walk me halfway down the aisle, since they got me to adulthood. I said that if I was going that way, I’d have to have my parents walk me 1/3 of the way, then have my shrink walk me down the second third.
I didn’t get nervous and wish I had someone walking with me like some brides. All I thought was, “oh look, everyone I love is here.”
My sister had a similar situation: her biological father wasn’t around much for her childhood, but they’re on better terms now, and my biological father was there for her in her childhood, but they don’t talk much now. It was never really an issue, because as suggested, our mom gave her away. It made more sense.
My parents aren’t divorced (and I get on great with my Dad), but my now-husband and I walked down the aisle together. My sister got married about 6 months before I did and had wanted both my mother and father to walk her down the aisle, but my mom refused and I didn’t bother asking again.
I also went through this phase of “GET YOUR ANTIQUATED GENDER ROLES AWAY FROM ME!!!” phase while planning my wedding too which also contributed.
My sister had both my parents walk her down the aisle, as she and my dad have a bad relationship, and she couldn’t stand the whole man giving away idea, yet couldn’t deal with the ‘talk’ if she broke TOO much with the expected.
I was all about walking alone should I get married. But then, my dad got really sick. Two kinds of cancer, late stage. Major surgery, major chemo, etc. I am not normally superstitious, but I made a deal with the universe: if my dad pulled through, I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. He did. Two years later, he walked me down the aisle at my teeny wedding with just me, my husband-to-be and our two moms. I’m not sorry, though I did take the “who gives this woman” part out of the humanistic vows.
Both my parents walked me down the aisle, but there was no talk of “giving away”. My mom kept flipping out about the fact that my dad should walk me down the aisle, alone, but I just really didn’t like the connotations of it, and thought that even if we didn’t say giving away, it would look like I was being transferred from one man to another.
My husband was also walked down the aisle by his parents as the first member of the wedding party to enter
We stole the idea from a friend’s Jewish wedding, but i loved the idea of us both entering the same way.
I’m not married myself, but most of the jewish weddings I’ve been to (and I’m jewish myself) involve both parents (if still alive) escorting each of the bride and groom down the aisle. My best friend from high school married someone whose parents are divorced and both remarried – the procession involved him walking down with both of his biological parents, and then his step-mom and step-dad walking together next in the processional.
This can obviously only work if everyone is at least civil to each other.
My dad and stepmom walked together down their aisle, but they were in their 50s at the time, so not really wedded to convention.
Over 20 years ago now, both my parents walked me down the aisle,and stepped aside as I got up to where my partner was waiting for me, and we walked the last two or three steps together. No one gave me away.
My preference would have been for us to meet at the back of the church, and walk up together, perhaps with all our parents, but my partner felt that would exclude his dad, who was badly separated from his mother, and travelling in India at the time we got married.
I attended a friend’s wedding recently – the best bit was that they walked into the hall together! It was fantastic, and so the couple.
Miss Manners rules.
I’m going to let my dad walk me down the aisle. My sister and my father pretty much stopped speaking when she was eighteen and have only recently (twenty years later) regained contact. My dad was invited to her wedding, but he was definitely not a participant.
I certainly don’t blame my sister (my dad made a lot of mistakes back then, as did she) but it hurt my dad a great deal, so mainly for his sake I’ll let him ‘give me away’. As with most traditions, I don’t really take it literally.
I solved it by eloping.
My parents didn’t come to my wedding, so I did it alone.
Same story, no father involvement since my parents divorced when I was 2. My grandparents were a huge part of my world growing up, so my grandfather gave me away at my first wedding. I loved seeing how much it meant to him, and I was so proud to be on his arm. Never even occurred to me to ask my father. I walked myself out onto the beach for my second wedding. Women should follow their heart and not worry or feel pressured to follow ancient tradition.
Both my mother and my maternal uncle walked me down the aisle. My father had died four months before, so I didn’t think my mom and I could make it down on our own without some serious tearfulness.
Sometimes I think about what I’ll do if we ever get a ceremony/wedding-thing together, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have my grandmother walk me down the aisle. She’s the matriarch, and I’m not one to have my dad walk me down (ick, also my dad’s kind of an asshole, though I suppose technically a good father). And my mom wouldn’t be interested in replacing him. So I could solve it by having Nana walk me down the aisle. I’m sure my partner would have both his parents walk him down, since he’s very close to both of them. I don’t think my family would mind, though, if I had my Nana walk me, even though it breaks with the patriarchal tradition they’re so very, very invested in.
@Cimorene: I think that’s a GREAT idea.
man, I didn’t read all the comments since I tend to be alone in this opinion, and either way, they tend to be heated, but I didn’t like the idea of anyone giving me away, regardless of history (my parents have been married for forever and are awesome). My now husband and I talked at length about getting married and agreed on what we wanted, I made it clear it didn’t want some “surprise” proposal (or any fucking proposal. we decided to get married, like two adults that respect each other! ok, bias showing here!), though I get that a lot of women really want that regardless of how traditional or progressive their relationships (or really, views on the ceremony of marriage and all that entails, not really relationships I guess) are. (seriously, no judgement here!) We, together, decided to get married, and we had no wedding party, no “proposal”, just an intimate ceremony at our house with our closest friends and relatives. It was perfect for us. So as much as I don’t get all the “tradition” bullshit I perceive as a farce, I totally get that there are smart, strong women out there who want that. I’ll never understand why, but they’ll probably never understand why I didn’t want a fancy ring and proposal, or why I kept my own name, and all that jazz either. Props to choosing our own shit, at least we can choose!
@stacy: I think if you’d read the comments you’d have found you weren’t so alone in that opinion, and that at no point did the comments get heated. Sometimes it’s better to actually hear what other people have to say instead of passing instant judgement about what you think they’re going to say.
ok, so I steeled myself and read the comments, I should have known there wouldn’t be crazy here. I love love love the stories of walking down the aisle together, or of grandparents or entire crews of loved ones, and especially of parents walking both bride and groom. That makes my tiny, cold heart swell with love! I love this community!
@BeckySharper
You’re totally right, though I was not in any way intending to pass judgement, just weigh in on a topic I’m interested in. You are so right in calling out my b.s.
My apologies.
@stacy: No problem. We’re generally not all that traditional around here when it comes to marriage stuff, so you’re in good company!
and I meant heated in real life, not here. So sorry!
jeez, that wasn’t even well spoken (written) I meant I’m new here, i’m used to pretty heavy vitriol. again, I’m sorry.
Not to worry! Welcome!