Whoa-whoa-whoa, feeeeeeeliiiings...
My mom and I usually talk on the phone on Sunday nights. Last night, I was particularly looking forward to it because BroDork and his fam had just been there for a visit, and I was sure there would be Stories (there were: Child #1 loves the Water Park! Child #3 is a Happy Baby! Child #2 Clocked Himself and Got an ER Visit!).
There was another story, though, which is what is prompting this post: I was informed, with very little ado, that MamaDork is getting married on Friday to her manpanion.
…
Yay? Weird? Feelings?
While it’s not totally out of the blue (she had told me late last month that they were talking about it) I am unsettled, and I should be happy, right? I mean, I am, but…
Maybe it’s because it seems fast–they’ve been dating only a bit over a year? Maybe it’s because I don’t know him very well? I met him at Christmas, and I like him well enough, I guess. Maybe it’s because they’re marrying on Friday, with only a pair of friends to stand up with them? (Although at least they’re not going nutso with the wedding-industrial complex.) Maybe because I think marriage is unnecessary, and because I’m disappointed that she’s taking his name (and thus will no longer share my name) and all the other attendant issues for which I Blame the Patriarchy?
Now, I’ve been through this already, sort of. PapaDork remarried in 2002, I think, and he only gave me about a week’s notice, too. (I guess children don’t usually attend their parent’s weddings…) But he’d been with his now-wife for years, and I knew her and her kids decently well, and I knew where I fit in to this new family dynamic.
And I think maybe that’s what I don’t know now. As of Friday evening, I’m going to have a step-father. And, technically, a step-sister I’ve never met, who has seven kids (HOLY SHIT SEVEN KIDS) of her own. What does it meeeeeeean?
I suppose I shouldn’t be borrowing trouble, since they live hundreds of miles away and their marriage won’t–I think– change my day-to-day life one whit. But conceptually, it will, and of course some things will change, and maybe that’s what I’m unsettled about.
Anyway, I’d appreciate hearing from readers who have dealt with parents re-partnering–legally or otherwise–and what you learned.
PhDork – Of course this would elicit lots of feelings! Because you won’t know how things will change until you find out more about this guy, his family, and your mom’s relationship with them.
The good news is that of course it primarily depends on your mom. If she is strongly bonded to you, then you needn’t fear. Even if family events do change, hopefully it will simply give you insight into her manpanion’s crazy family. (Since everyone’s family is crazy.)
When my dad remarried when I was all of 15, he was determined that our relationship wouldn’t change. So it didn’t.
The other part of that equation, of course, was his wife. She was a wonderful woman who whole-heartedly supported and encouraged his strong relationships with his family. Because of her urging, we got more-regular phone calls, more-appropriate gifts (my dad is always timely, not always as clueful), and generally enjoyed a more tightly-knit family group.
Now that dad has (sadly) left said wife and moved on to someone else, I’m afraid we get less of his attention, partly because this partner of his is more elusive, evoking more focused attention from him.
But that’s also an older man’s approach.
What I’m trying to say, probably not very helpfully, is that it will all depend on 1) the value your mother places on keeping your relationship the same, and 2) how connected this man is to his family, 3) how he views your family – as an invited addition to the group, or a distraction for his bride’s attention, and then 4) how your mother deals with him and his influence.
Hopefully he’s a warm individual who values family in a similar way to your mother.
It will likely help if you can spend some time with them as a couple, get to know him better, lay out the peaceful, everyone-is-welcome mat. Discover what makes them tick as a couple, and especially him, as an individual and as a member of his family.
I know, duh. But really, the only thing that will allay your fears is time. And the more time you can log with them, the better. Of course it’s hard to do that long-distance, but even a long weekend will make a difference.
I hope this helps, instead of just telling you what you already know.
I received a post card in the mail from my mom while she was on vacation, letting me know how things were and that, oh by-the-way, she had married her long-time beau. That’s New Englanders for you!
Of course, when my dad ran off when I was five, he got married sometime after the dust settled from the divorce, and I didn’t have much of an adjustment period.
It’s always strange to think that a parent is going to marry someone else. I think that’s where the whole concept of marriage induces complications in people’s lives — somehow, we treat it with such importance that the idea of our parents being married to anyone but themselves causes us endless frustration and angst because of all the attendant problems.
elibard–No, it’s good to hear. I don’t think Mama will cut me off or anything like that, and Mister Mama (? Still working on what to call him) gets along well with the family that’s close, and he has good ties w/ his family–his daughter being the notable exception. Mister Mama seems very warm, very avuncular (apparently my nephews think he’s all kinds of fun) and I like him just fine, but BOOM, now he’s family, and I feel…unready for that intimacy. So yeah, the answer is time. I’m going to try to figure out how to get out there for Labor Day.
NN–I think some of it is that I’m used to the dynamic of Mama being on her own. She was, for almost 14 years–if there were boyfriends, I didn’t hear about them. Mama has always been very private. But now I’m seeing her in a different light, too: she’s just retired, now marrying, and really entering a new phase of life. Growing pains.
Hey Dorky, maybe it’s the frame in which you understand the situation – hasn’t your mum’s manpanion been part of your mum’s family for longer (the 12 or so months that your mum has been seeing him), and that the marriage just puts an official title on the relationship?
It sounds like you may not have had time to “vet” your mum’s new companion in a way where you can feel absolutely confident with the situation.
My family is crazy with the way that people get together, divorced/stop seeing each other, that it is now the norm for us kids to accept whomever is the partner (short or long term) of the family member involved.
This hasn’t meant that we’ve necessarily felt comfortable with the partners of our siblings (have I got a story about my dad’s wife [the woman he married after my mum] and us kids, and my older brother’s first wife and me).
By the sounds of things, life will go on, and you will still enjoy the same relationship with your mum that you always have.
Neither of my parents has remarried, but I can imagine that although I’d love to see both of them in happy relationships, I would have Feelings about re-marriage too – if only because it inevitably means a change in one’s own life, and all kinds of adjustments. A week is very little time to prepare for that, too, so I can see how that would freak you out!
Basically: I have no help to offer, but I don’t think it’s at all abnormal to feel how you are feeling!