Typical Winnipeg Summer
I know people were expecting to be all like, Happy Canada Day! But truth be told, I’m over it. That and it’s my dad’s birthday. I have things to write about, I really do. But I gotta be honest when I say I feel like crap. I went to bed the other night thinking I’m gonna suck it up and do some epic posting of doom, but when I woke up yesterday I was greeted to a day that topped 44 Degrees Celsius. I am too heat brained to convert that for my American folks here, but let’s just say that with the humidity and no A/C in my house, it was really fucking hot. We went through probably $40 we didn’t have on cold things to eat and ended up ordering takeout we couldn’t afford because even the microwave added to the grossness. My day consisted of lying on a too warm couch, taking a cold shower, lying back on said couch, soaking my feet in cold water, going back to the couch…well, you get the idea. All while PMSing and trying to keep the little ones cool. This led me into thinking some really, really stupid shit that will either amuse, confuse or identify with people.
- I have decided that an ice cream sandwich the size of my hand that’s made with vanilla chocolate swirl ice cream and massive chocolate chip cookies is, indeed, a meal. I also decided that while I’ve been battling it out with my body image and veering into self-loathing territory, that said ice cream sandwich had no calories that day. Or carbs.
- We offer a channel called Showcase in Canada. It’s awful. Name a terrible movie you’ve seen recently and it’s probably playing it. I remember watching Red Shoe Diaries as a young teen on that channel…what the hell was I thinking?
- Why is it when I game with a female avatar I get sexually harassed and stalked around to high heaven, but when my husband plays with female avatars, people leave him alone? Are gamers psychic?
- Speaking of which, why have I started gaming again?
- I decided to go back to work a couple of weeks early and get a head start on saving for my Human Resources Certificate, I spent a solid hour giggling at myself coming up with hilarious ways of firing douchebags, but then lectured myself for another solid hour that douchebags are people too, and they need to feed their little douchebag children, so there’s nothing funny about firing anyone. I punished myself by eating a freezie.
- Hitch. I know there’s supposed to be a good message about how some homely looking guy managed to get the girl while being himself ALL ALONG……..nope, still terrible. At this point I was entertaining the thought of making dear husband sit through a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon as revenge. Then I thought about how badly I’d be punishing myself and attempting to break the TV halfway through Nights in Rodanthe….or whatever it’s called.
- You know where my kids can go? The fuck to sleep. I also have decided that I don’t care about the people blogging it up about how terrible and ‘abusive’ that book is, because they probably have never been to that point in parenting. You know where THEY can go? The fuck of the internet.
- I thought about writing more innocuous posts about nothing but using hot button acronyms and words to troll in the kind of people and associations that like to mentally masturbate to themselves while google searching, only to find absolutely nothing about them. I figured this was when the heat was trolling ME. I mad.
- I arbitrarily decided that the feeling of sweat under your boobs and near your lady parts is not feminist. Don’t judge me.
All in all, the heat does some crazy things to my head and I am envious of everyone with A/C or a more moderate climate. I kept remembering how easy it was to churn out posts when it was minus the opposite temperature and I didn’t have to sit all sweaty everywhere. But another thought passed through my brain as I was trying to get to sleep last night….is it just me that gets all weird and failbrained during the hot days of summer? What are your stories of heat induced weird thinking? What are some superb ways of keeping cool on a budget when you don’t have a hose or anything like that? Is sweat feminist?
Oh MA – I hear you… I hate those days in Summer when the temp reaches over 40 degrees celcius and I too have “teh fail barin”.. and the sweating.. then when it’s time to go to sleep, I think I turn into the 2 year old who is over tired and chucks a tanty because I want to go to sleep and can’t (this is even after having a cold shower to bring down the internal body temp)..
I don’t have a/c in my home, and I’m not about to start.. what I do is lay under a wet towel..
Ooh girl, I feel you! I don’t have a/c except for one window unit in the bedroom that doesn’t work well and which I feel guilty about turning on because it uses so much power and my neighborhood had brown-outs last summer because of the ancient, overburdened power grid. I shamelessly sit in my panties in the living room with a sheet under me so I don’t sweat on the sofa’s upholstery. Since I live alone, this works fine, but I will say that during the dog days of summer I tend to have a lot less sex, unless I’m with someone who has central air. Because the thought of a warm, hairy male body—usually one of my favorite things—becomes WAY less appealing when it’s a gazillion degrees out. This sex-positive feminist becomes downright sex-negative, in fact.
@BeckySharper I hear you on the sex thing. There’s a reason both our kids have October birthdays.
PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR IN THE FREEZER! I’m serious. In a ziploc bag if you like (I do). While you are at it throw in your pillow case, sheets if you have room. If you are fortunate enough to have a relatively dry heat, soak a bandana, keep it on your head, and keep it wet. This does not work so well if it is humid. If you have a small fan put a bowl of ice in from of it, then sit directly where it blows, for a break. Also, on the taking a break kind of route, going to the library if it is air conditioned. My family got very clever the summer we were in Phoenix and the A/C broke. I am normally a no-A/C trooper, but that was hell.
Also, I too love “go the fuck to sleep”. I’ve read a couple blog posts against it and frankly all I got from them was that the authors did not stand the incredibly healing power of humor and laughter. Good luck with the heat, it makes me loopy, too.
This post made me laugh.
When I didn’t have air conditioning, my greatest discovery was SUNDRESSES. I wore them pretty much every day. They’re usually so light and made out of such a thin fabric that it’s the closest you can get to walking around naked without actually…walking around naked. It was still hot, but at least you can avoid the sweaty-clothes-sticking-to-you thing, as well as the temptation to say “aw fuck it, I actually AM going to walk around naked!”
Oh man, I am such a baby for heat and humidity. I’ve never gone without A/C if I could help it and summertime is still nAkEd tIMe every time I get back indoors, coupled with not bothering to towel off after showers and keeping the fan on full blast.
Also LOLed for real at ‘little douchebag children.’ Classic.
I am in Winnipeg as well; I have AC but it was desperately struggling to keep my apartment cold and failing miserably. That day sucked so bad and I am unspeakably happy that it has cooled down to more reasonable temperatures.
Personally I agree with your comment about woman parts sweat; I hate it unequivicably and pretty much never go without some type of fabric surrounding my breasts and lady bits because of it.
Oh and swallowing actual ice cubes is one of the best ways to cool down without electricity.
For the curious, 44C = 111.2F
In any case, I begin melting as soon as it hits 30C/90F. Marie Anelle, I’m sending you cooling thoughts! Also, are you able to decamp for the nearest mall, community center, or other public building where there is AC?
@wondering
unfortunately I couldn’t really get to anywhere and honestly it was so hot outside that making the trip to the corner store drenched me, I can’t imagine having to walk any further. It was really sad.
“I punished myself by eating a freezie” – this made me snort.
I survived a summer cleaning campers (!) by going indoors every 15 minutes or so to run my wrists under cold water. If you can get your ankles under the tap, even better. I keep mainlining water and stay away from cold sugary things, as the sugar tends to make me even thirstier and also crabby.
Also, let’s hear it for basement bedrooms. I hate them in winter but in prairie summers they are invaluable.