I know people were expecting to be all like, Happy Canada Day! But truth be told, I’m over it. That and it’s my dad’s birthday. I have things to write about, I really do. But I gotta be honest when I say I feel like crap. I went to bed the other night thinking I’m gonna suck it up and do some epic posting of doom, but when I woke up yesterday I was greeted to a day that topped 44 Degrees Celsius. I am too heat brained to convert that for my American folks here, but let’s just say that with the humidity and no A/C in my house, it was really fucking hot. We went through probably $40 we didn’t have on cold things to eat and ended up ordering takeout we couldn’t afford because even the microwave added to the grossness. My day consisted of lying on a too warm couch, taking a cold shower, lying back on said couch, soaking my feet in cold water, going back to the couch…well, you get the idea. All while PMSing and trying to keep the little ones cool. This led me into thinking some really, really stupid shit that will either amuse, confuse or identify with people.
- I have decided that an ice cream sandwich the size of my hand that’s made with vanilla chocolate swirl ice cream and massive chocolate chip cookies is, indeed, a meal. I also decided that while I’ve been battling it out with my body image and veering into self-loathing territory, that said ice cream sandwich had no calories that day. Or carbs.
- We offer a channel called Showcase in Canada. It’s awful. Name a terrible movie you’ve seen recently and it’s probably playing it. I remember watching Red Shoe Diaries as a young teen on that channel…what the hell was I thinking?
- Why is it when I game with a female avatar I get sexually harassed and stalked around to high heaven, but when my husband plays with female avatars, people leave him alone? Are gamers psychic?
- Speaking of which, why have I started gaming again?
- I decided to go back to work a couple of weeks early and get a head start on saving for my Human Resources Certificate, I spent a solid hour giggling at myself coming up with hilarious ways of firing douchebags, but then lectured myself for another solid hour that douchebags are people too, and they need to feed their little douchebag children, so there’s nothing funny about firing anyone. I punished myself by eating a freezie.
- Hitch. I know there’s supposed to be a good message about how some homely looking guy managed to get the girl while being himself ALL ALONG……..nope, still terrible. At this point I was entertaining the thought of making dear husband sit through a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon as revenge. Then I thought about how badly I’d be punishing myself and attempting to break the TV halfway through Nights in Rodanthe….or whatever it’s called.
- You know where my kids can go? The fuck to sleep. I also have decided that I don’t care about the people blogging it up about how terrible and ‘abusive’ that book is, because they probably have never been to that point in parenting. You know where THEY can go? The fuck of the internet.
- I thought about writing more innocuous posts about nothing but using hot button acronyms and words to troll in the kind of people and associations that like to mentally masturbate to themselves while google searching, only to find absolutely nothing about them. I figured this was when the heat was trolling ME. I mad.
- I arbitrarily decided that the feeling of sweat under your boobs and near your lady parts is not feminist. Don’t judge me.
All in all, the heat does some crazy things to my head and I am envious of everyone with A/C or a more moderate climate. I kept remembering how easy it was to churn out posts when it was minus the opposite temperature and I didn’t have to sit all sweaty everywhere. But another thought passed through my brain as I was trying to get to sleep last night….is it just me that gets all weird and failbrained during the hot days of summer? What are your stories of heat induced weird thinking? What are some superb ways of keeping cool on a budget when you don’t have a hose or anything like that? Is sweat feminist?