In the midst of summer, especially this week when the temperatures have been hovering at 100 degrees here on the East Coast with an equally unbearable level of humidity, I always have an internal monologue about my hair. It’s naturally curly as demonstrated in the photograph. Actually, that’s a photograph of my cousin, but we were blessed — or cursed, I can’t decide which — with the same exact hair. (Also, I know you’re jealous of my superior Paint skills.) The humidity during during the summer months leaves my hair looking like a chia pet, leaving me to debate whether or not to spend a lot of money to get a blow out or save my hard-earned money for something that will last longer than a few weeks. My cousin, on the other hand, lives in a state with no humidity so this is never a major issue for her … although she still gets blow outs on occasion because she believes they make her look prettier.
And I can’t fault her about that because of the historical and cultural implications that straight hair is a status symbol since it it makes one look more European and therefore more attractive, whereas curly hair is seen as unkempt and unclean. Maybe this is why I always feel like I’m not being true to myself whenever I pay someone to straighen my hair. It means I’m paying someone to fix what I have internalized as unattractive. That’s the main reason why I haven’t had a blow out in a long, long time. That and the heat from the dryer is damaging to my overly sensitive curls. Start at 1:55 in that video to see the heat rising from the dryer as she styles her hair. My hair breaks so easily, it’s almost breaking just watching that.
So, this summer I’ve been wearing a lot of creative updos and dealing with the humidity as best as I can. And it’s been a while since a stranger has walked up to me and politely suggested that my hair would look so much prettier if I just straightened it, which I always found a little bit obnoxious. I feel like I should accept myself for who I am before I expect others to. This is also despite the growing number of friends and family who have seen my hair both curly and straight and tell me they prefer it curly. If other people, whom I actually respect, genuinely like my hair, why can’t I?
All I know is that the hair in the photo is gorgeous.
I spent years—and a hell of a lot of money—spiral-perming my limp, white-girl hair trying to get curls like that. The irony. Our own natural hair is never good enough.
At the moment, thanks to the heat and humidity, it has been scraped back into a ponytail since my neck is sweaty enough already. There are no good hair days in this weather…for anyone.
@wondering – Thank you!
@BeckySharper – My mom used to tell me that people spend a lot of money to get curls like mine and I didn’t believe her until I moved away from home. Sadly, I used to get blow outs before interviews because I was convinced that employers would prefer a candidate with straight hair. Thankfully, I no longer do that. And I’ve noticed that, when it comes to hair, we really do always want what we can’t have.
I agree with wondering, those curls are gorgeous and I would have died to have curls like that when I was younger and had long hair. Now I’m older and keep my hair short because it’s so thick that long hair gives me headaches. I’ve learned to like it that way, I can wash it, towel dry it, comb it, and I’m ready to go, no styling needed anymore (when it’s short, it actually has body and a slight wave that it never had when it was long). I think getting older can give you perspectives that you just don’t have when you’re young and think you need to “fit in”. By the time you get to be my age (57) you don’t care if you fit in or not and other opinions don’t matter much, it’s your own opinion that counts the most and hopefully, you’ve learned to like all of yourself by then.
I agree with wondering! And yeah, impressive Paint skills.
Complete strangers come up to you and tell you how to style your hair? I can’t even…
The hair is GORGEOUS! I, too, spent years and many dollars trying to get curls like that. I thought they looked like fun. My hair was always way too heavy to put into a really elaborate hairdo, and I wasn’t motivated to learn alternates to ponytails and braids.
I cut my hair short and I’ve been bleaching and dying it for a while. It makes me feel like me to have short, hot pink or purple hair. It’s another way to get away from the rules of femininity and to just NOT play the game. It also clearly proclaims that I’m not playing the game, and I won’t play the game. Although, really, I am playing a game of feminine performance, I’ve just changed the rules.
The curls are gorgeous! And as a woman very aware of her hair privilege (blonde, shoulder-length, straight/gently wavy, generally shiny), I have no words of wisdom.
I will, however, say that walking up to any person, but especially a WoC, and suggesting that her apparently-natural hair should be straightened… this, IMHO, is not “a little bit obnoxious.” That is HELLA obnoxious TO THE MAX, and you have my endless admiration for being so chill about something that would make me want to punch a person.
Another pin-straight-haired lady here, who spent years and tears and kerjillions of dollars trying for beautiful shiny curls like those.
Although I can’t say that I’ve gotten happier as I’ve gotten older, I must admit that 1) I give far fewer fucks about “beauty standards,” which is liberating; and 2) I’ve learned that claiming what you got is a less painful way to live than constantly trying to be what you’re not.
mischiefmanager and Kari – At first I really did want to scream at people who say things like that, but then I realized that many women have internalized “the straighter, the better” and that trying to convince them otherwise wouldn’t get me anywhere. So I just politely excuse myself and walk away. And it does happen less and less, which I assume is because there are increasing numbers of WoC who are embracing their natural hair.
I always wanted curly hair when I was younger, too, I’d have sold my teenage soul for hair like the picture!
Mine hasn’t been its natural colour since I was 13 – it’s currently top-half purple and bottom-half and a stripe down the front sky blue, and was black and hot pink for the last two years. I do think it’s a ‘grass is greener’ thing though, I know very few people who have always liked their hair.
It’s been weird weather here in England lately – wet, humid, warm and evil for hair. Mine got so ridiculous the other day I looked like a blue poodle.
*Dies a little inside*
I have wanted gorgeous curls like that all my life! My mother wouldn’t let me get a perm and my hair is so limp, dead and straight that when I was of age to try it didn’t even take so well and fell out in 2 weeks. I feel so boring with this pin straight hair that can barely be styled.
I am SO HAPPY to see this post. You articulate here what I have written and thought about extensively but never posted anywhere public. Despite what people with straight hair say, I think there is still a stigma for actual natural curls. Obviously this is not a form of privilege as big or obvious as race or gender, but it’s there. Employers still have the perception that people with straighter, smoother hair are more capable, so your instinct to straighten your hair before interviews is not solely what you’ve internalized; it’s the sad truth.
I think a lot of also has to do with what decade it was when we were teenagers or something. Almost no one in my age group (late twenties) that I’ve met thinks curly hair is attractive because we all started dating and were in college during the “texture is ugly” super flat-ironed hair decade (late 90s through just a year or two ago). Whereas people who were teens in the 80s and early 90s seem to love curly hair.
Also just for clarity’s sake, curls and body we see in professional hairstyles or on TV or movies is almost always a blow out or naturally straighter hair that has then been curled with a curling iron, as ridiculous as that is. The curls and waves are large, smooth, and uniform. Last year I got on the whole “taking good care of natural curls” train, but there are some things for which I’ll always pine: bangs, the ability to look completely professional and put together. You’ll notice in most movies and TV, curly hair (like glasses, sometimes) is shorthand for ugly duckling and/or flighty artistic temperament.
Word. I’ve got white-girl weird curly hair. I was a teenager during the whole Farah-hair thing — straight with feathered wing things. In the midwest, in the early 1980s there wasn’t even any good hair product, so yeah, I was the ugly duckling with weird frizzy hair, braces and glasses. For decades I just kept it short — and in fact, I’ve never had it longer than my shoulders —
Now it’s just going grey, which has me living in terror that I’ll wind up like one of those characters from a New Yorker cartoon …
sam – I’m in my late 20s as well and I remember the flat-iron craze of the late 90s. I flat-ironed my hair all the time and even learned the trick of straightening my hair with a curling iron. To this day, I’m surprised my hair didn’t suffer from heat damage. And I’ve always knew that about curly hair in the media, especially magazines. It’s very frustrating since any women with naturally curly hair can tell when a model has a few curls added to her naturally straight hair via a curling iron.
Also, I don’t straighten my hair before interviews anymore, but I only attribute that to changing careers. If I were still working in publishing, I definitely would. I have yet to see a media figure with curly hair.
@Sam & foureleven: What’s weird is the flat-ironed look was mandatory for black and white women during the 90s. I got rid of my perm in ’96 because curls suddenly went right out of style. Just as well because I was poor and working on an entry-level salary and salon perms every 3 months were not in my budget.
You know, I was thinking about the curly hair/media executive question yesterday when I was watching Rebekah Brooks testify before Parliament. She has big masses of curly, red hair that are quite statement-making, IMO.
BeckySharper – I’ve always thought that the British media is slightly more accepting of curly, wavy, and generally unruly hair with the Samira Ahmed incident being the notable (and infuriating) exception. Would an American editor have hired Grace Coddington? I’d say most likely not.
@foureleven: Don’t you think the Samira Ahmed incident was straight-up racism? Seems that way to me.
And Grace Coddington is fucking awesome. That’s all I have to say about that. I’d take her mane over Anna’s laser-cut bangs-and-bob any day!
I agree that your hair looks beautiful!
I’m mostly happy with my hair, except for that I have *way* too many grays for my age, and it’s very thick, which can get annoying – especially because I’m too lazy to straighten it on anything like a regular basis.
@Becky and foureleven: I agree, Grace Coddington seems *so* much cooler than Anna Wintour. Although I find Anna vaguely fascinating just for being so damn hard to read.
I, too, have naturally curly hair, and I seem to prefer it straight, and I’m not sure why. Others in my life (notably, my partner) tell me they like it better curly, despite the fact that my “curly” hair is nothing like the silky gorgeousness depicted in the photograph (my mom was nicknamed “Frizz” in high school and I inherited her hair).
For me, though, part of the reason I straighten it is that I like to tuck it behind my ears, and it is more likely to stay there if it’s straight.
I think everybody wants the hair they don’t have. Isn’t that why the hair industry makes kabillions off of all us? I used to be a spaz about my hair and makeup when I was younger. Vesta44 was correct about opinions of others not mattering so much when you are older. Now that I have crossed over 40, I’m more comfortable with my looks, I do what makes me happy, doesn’t matter the circumstances. I ran into a male co-worker one morning while I was walking my dog who later told me he thought I looked a mess without make-up on and my hair up. Gee, thanks! That would’ve freaked me out 15 years ago, now I laughed and committed to memory that he’s an asshat.
Your hair looks beautiful and if someone tells you otherwise, I’d tell them to go boink themselves. I love my thick and shiny Mexican hair, but I am also struggling with the decision to cover my very premature graying (I am 27!). Part of me says I should just let it all grow out and give society a big eff u, but another part of me hesitates to look older than I need to. Bah!
@TJ – I’m not sure it’s that everyone wants hair they don’t have on a permanent basis, but I do think that most women I know (myself included) have this belief that our hair is or should be capable of being in almost any style that we see, when realistically some are just impossible and others would take an absurd amount of work. If I dry my hair reeeally gently and carefully, I can get it to do this: http://www.womensbeautylife.com/albums/Long_hair/glong_wavy_brunette_1158.jpg and, as such, I will never in my life be able to maintain this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0gBPsHzaSQw/TbUN-QREY8I/AAAAAAAAKxo/Mgmc7S5smJk/s1600/bob-haircut-with-bangs-bob_hairstyles_with_bangs+1.jpg no matter how much straightening I do or product I use, despite the ad campaigns and magazine articles that guarantee that I could if I just had the right shampoo.
I’ve actually become a lot more of a hippie regarding my hair in the past year or so — I stopped using shampoo and stopped aggressively drying it with a towel (I will sometimes use an old t-shirt). I do apple cider vinegar rinses (surprisingly detangling) and, if I feel like it needs a little extra shine and control, smooth some olive oil through it. I swear my hair has never looked healthier since I stopped trying to contort it into something it was never meant to be.
BeckySharper – Yeah, that whole situation seems strange consider she worked there for 11 years. That could be it’s own rage-filled post.
oh hells nah – I think gray strands actually look cool. Of course, I can say that because I don’t have any. If I did, I would probably be worrying about looking much older than I do as well. My mom has been dying her gray strands for the past 10 years and sometimes I just wish she would not give into the temptation to make herself look younger all the time. Sigh.
baraqiel – I use olive oil as well, along with a little bit of jojoba oil. My hair dries out so easily (not because of the heat, but in general) so I always need something to help keep it moisturized throughout the day. I use Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk as well, but I don’t always feel like carrying it around with me. I’ve heard wonders about apple cider vinegar and I always have some around because, among other things, it repels insects. I may have to try for my hair though!
I love curly wavy hair in all its incarnations. It is so much more interesting to look at than straight hair! Yet everyone I know with that type of hair seems to detest it. Maybe because it gets looked at so much more, and people don’t like to be looked at?
I was fortunate in that my formative years were in the 80′s, and my hair (white girl wavy/curly and thick) more or less matched the fashion at the time. Perhaps because of this, I still prefer it curly, even though there’s less of it now. It freaks me out when I get it cut and they straighten it and then I get the “OMG your hair looks so good” comments from coworkers. Of course, this is not a problem for very long since it goes back to its natural state.
But I am having an internal debate about the greys. I’m 42 and have a few. I used to think that I would just start coloring it when I went grey. However, now I’m not so sure. I don’t feel like they’re aging me prematurely and it’s nice not to have the hassle or deal with the damage to my hair. But there are times when I really want to get rid of them. I’ll probably wait until there are more of them and then start coloring it.
I was thinking more about this, and I decided that there is also something sort of nice about being able to experiment with my hair. Most appearance-related things have at least some minor health implications, but hear is dead, and it cannot be “healthy” or “unhealthy” (words which are thrown around entirely too much in advertising), so I should not feel concerned about taking a flat iron to it every day or using shampoo with sulfates or doing whatever else I feel like doing with it.
Nobody should be made to feel guilty for potentially health-related decisions in other domains, of course, but we all know such guilt is pretty common in our society nonetheless. I see the potential to frame hair as a respite from health concerns – not only from the unproblematic but sometimes nagging personal concerns most of us have about our own health, but also from the social guilt.
Like annimal, my coworkers always comment how nice my hair looks when it’s been cut (and straightened). It annoys me because it’s fake – a drop of moisture and it curls right back up. So I should fight the atmosphere and my hair’s natural inclinations to get complemented?!? I think not. To me, my hair is a statement of non-conformity and is pretty unique – I’ve embraced it.
I was sad as a kid that my hair was so different than all of my friends’ and I couldn’t wear the same styles as they did. Plus, my straight-haired mother had no idea how to handle my hair so when I was ten I cut it all off. That took care of that problem! Later, I went through the slow process of growing it back out.
Now I had a style that’s five minutes and go, layered, long, and curly (however it wants to be). Or just ponytail in this weather. I’m just glad I’m in a profession where most people could give a care what I look like day to day.
I’ve been lurking on this site for a while, enjoying the posts but never contributing because someone always says it better than I can. However, on the topic of hair I am as qualified as the next person to give my two cents. I started going grey at the age of 28. I dyed my hair for several years, until finally one day I had enough. Enough of the stink of ammonia, enough of dripping dye all over the place and staining my ears and neck. It was an uncomfortable 2 years it took for my hair to grow long enough that I could trim off the old dyed bits. I wore a lot of hats during this time.Fast forward to today, I have a glorious curtain of hair the colour of moonlight.I do still get the occassional suggestion that I would look ever so much younger (and therefore, better) if I dyed my hair. I don’t want to be one of those “mutton dressed as lamb” women. Flying my grey flag as I do, I’m challenging people’s ideas of what old looks like and I would just like to encourage anyone sitting on the fence to give it a go.
Here’s an article about hair and privilege: http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/25/touching.natural.black.hair/index.html?hpt=hp_bn8
Hands off, people, what the hell!
mischiefmanager – I don’t like when people touch my hair without asking. I’m not a figure in a museum, I’m a person! Although, judging by the number of comments by white women who don’t understand what the big deal is because it’s “just hair,” this will continue to be an ongoing issue.
@foureleven & MM: I bet those white women who say it’s fine because “it’s just hair” would freak the fuck out if someone did that to them. In fact, I’d pay good money to see what happened if some black woman rolled up on one of those white ladies and just started touching her hair to “see what it feels like.”
In general, I also think it’s just downright strange to think it’s okay to touch someone else’s hair. I mean, I admire people’s hair all the time, but I just LOOK. I also don’t go feeling up people’s skin and muscles or whatever else I can see of them, because that would be skeevy.
On the subject of hair touching: when I was younger, I basically never cut my hair so it was reeeeally long (like down to my butt). There was a guy in one of my classes that I had a weird antagonistic flirtation with for a while and at one point (when it was more antagonistic than flirtation), we were watching a movie and he sat behind me and played with my hair the entire class period. My hair was long enough that I honestly couldn’t feel it and didn’t find out until the end of class when I turned around and inadvertently caught him…but everyone else in the class had seen him doing it…and no one said anything. In retrospect, this weirds me out.
shrimpeyes — my brother started going grey at 16, all the men in my family wind up with gorgeous silver hair by about 40. Mine’s getting these interesting silver threads through it — so had my stylist go with lowlights in my natural color (which hasn’t been seen in a while). Hoping for an interesting, streaky, chocolate brown/white thing. We’ll see.
And foureleven/bariquel — I swear by Kiehls silk groom — it’s mostly lanolin (I guess I’m a sheep) and keeps my curls soft, and not too frizzy and keeps my hair from breaking. Although I’ve been known to use olive oil or even just moisturizer when stuck travelling.
[...] most of my family is. Most people who meet me assume I’m Cuban or Dominican because of my hair. When I was younger, my parents urged me to date only African-American men. While I was attracted [...]