Dear Dude in Zabar’s:
I’m pretty sure you just looked at my sandwich and said, “Somebody’s hungry.” Thanks for noticing! I actually am hungry, and I purchased this sandwich so that I could be nourished and therefore more effective today.
I’m not totally sure what you meant by that comment, and you may have noticed me remaining somewhat close to you as I thought about what I should do. I considered asking you what you meant, and wondered what you might say. Most likely, you would say that you meant nothing. You might accuse me of being overly sensitive. In the worst case scenario, you would call me fat.
Being a woman who is short but not thin and therefore not seen as traditionally attractive, and you being a man, it seems likely to me that you would be implying something about me as an individual consuming this particular sandwich. Maybe you think I should be eating something else? Something smaller? Something diet? Something that was in theory but not in reality food? (This is Zabar’s. They don’t make shit like that here.)
I watched you leave, rooted to the ground. You took a very long time doing whatever it was you were doing to your coffee. Would you have made an off handed comment like that, if that’s what it was, to a man? Did it occur to you not to say it, or was it a “reflex,” like some men claim street harassment is? You might have made the comment because you were certain that I would either not hear you or not respond to it. That’s usually how it works-men rely on women’s socialization around passivity and niceness to protect them from consequences.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what would come out of your mouth if I challenged you or asked you to clarify your statement. I knew I didn’t want to hear it, I wasn’t sure it was going to make me feel better. I was skeptical that you would gain anything from it. Maybe now that you’re gone, I wish I’d said something. Maybe I don’t.
Anyway, Dude in Zabar’s, thanks for the observation and for reminding me that I needed to write a blog post today. Have an awesome day.
Chanel
Visit Chanel’s blog, idiverge.
I usually go with “No shit, Sherlock. Apparently most people need to eat several times per day! Shocking, I know.”
I find that they are so shocked that I am actually responding to them that they’re the ones who stand there rooted to the ground with their mouths gaping open as I flounce away. Or left sounding stupid as they call an insult after me – but that they have to do loudly so that they know I hear, so they end up with death stares from staff and patrons. See if it works for you!
On the occasions where I get a simple under-the-breath moo or oink from a passing male, I step up behind him and hiss “sheepfucker” while nonchalantly pretending it wasn’t me.
Good God, Americans, try some STFU once in a while, willya? Not every single precious thought of yours has to be shared with the whole world, special snowflake though you are.
*grinds teeth*
Chanel, I wish I were at Zabar’s with you-we could have a delicious lunch AND a piece of cheesecake.
I’ll just throw out there that I am a man, and an extremely skinny man at that, and I get the “Somebody’s hungry” comment as well. I have no idea what it is supposed to mean or how one is supposed to react either.
I have never been to Zabar’s. This must be remedied anon.
Also: shut your fucking bagelhole, Some Dude.
Wondering,
I want to eat lunch with you, just to experience the awesomeness that is you in public!
Honestly, if there was ever a moment to break out a genuine New Yawk “You gotta fuckin’ problem with that?” this would be it.
A true Zabar’s story: I used to have a fuck buddy who lived a couple blocks from there. Sometimes we’d meet at his apartment at lunchtime, have sex, then I would stop at Zabar’s to pick up a Reuben, a half-sour and a Dr. Brown’s before heading back downtown to my office. To this day whenever I go by Zabar’s I not only get hungry, I get a little horny, too.
Why, thank you, Ms M.
I picked up the tactic mostly because I am typically VERY assertive. But if I swore at them (loudly, cause I’m naturally very loud) then it would start a fight or suddenly *I* would be the one getting death stares. So I worked out a response and practiced my lines, so I was ready the next time it came (and yeah, it keeps coming).
On the other hand, I have no idea how to properly manage dieting co-workers (of any gender) who talk about their diets and weight loss right in front of me and how they are just DOING IT FOR THEIR HEALTH as they give me the ol’ side eye for not conforming (by being on a diet) or participating in the conversation (by bemoaning my weight or food choices).
If anyone has recommendations for that, I’m all ears.
I would’ve replied “somebody was never taught to mind their own business” in the same sing-songy tone right back.
Dude in Zabar’s was lucky it wasn’t me he was talking to…
Dudes who try shit like that with me generally get ‘where’s your point?’ if it’s something relatively neutral like that, and a whole lot of profane rage if it’s something more direct. The last dude who said ‘you’ll get fat if you eat that’ on watching me order a bacon, egg and sausage roll at a horse show really wished he hadn’t said anything. I think I ranted at him for a good couple of minutes about how it was none of his business what a total stranger ate for breakfast, how the hell dare he think he had the right to make personal comments to somebody he’d never met before, and so on and so forth. Also told him he was lucky I was hungry otherwise he’d have been wearing my roll, and the scalding hot coffee with it.
I’m with Ms M.. wondering, today I’m going to remember this post, and hopefully feel awesome!
I would have said something like “Narnya”.. (short for “none of your business” – think Australian accent, long vowel sounds, and running words into each other)/
So not anyone’s business what anybody decides to eat..
@Chanel, you are so right to link this to street harassment. It is. It is a form of attempted control.
Things like this have only happened to me a couple of times, but what has always struck me was the cowardly manner in which it is done: It is always whispered, always in a sharp and angry tone, always with a smirk. Creep city!
I don’t have any “comebacks” to this type of thing, and usually say nothing. I’m wondering now, though, since it is always done so subtly and quietly (they don’t want to be seen as the creepster they are) if actually calling it out and specifically calling it cowardly would help? At the very least, you will feel you have stood up for yourself.
When I buy a lot of beer at the beer store I usually get “Someone’s going to have fun tonight!” or “Someone’s thirsty”. I think sometimes people just say shit.