I’m out of town this weekend and will probably not be able to moderate this thread, but I’ll check in when I can.
I need a change. I started therapy again with a hope for making that happen, or easing a transition, or–at the very least–helping me deal with how colossally shitastic things are right now, on so many levels, and how they don’t look to improve any time soon. I’ve been pretty much on one track my entire life, and that track has left me with “impressive” credentials that won’t permit me to feed or house myself adequately. Whoops.
Feeling powerless–especially after working so hard at something I thought I was good at–makes me miserable, but that’s where I’m finding myself. In the meantime, I’m fantasizing about things that are within my power to change, and which I might do rather than continue to mire in Craptown. They include:
1. Getting a drastic haircut. Like a pixie, but maybe longish on top? (I’d feel better about this one if my skin weren’t so ehhh.)
2. Purging 95% of my closet, keeping only the most basic of basics (black pants/skirts, white tops, or whatever) and instituting a uniform that I would wear every day. I’ve already been going through cabinets and cupboards and using up or pitching things that have been cluttering up my life, which has been a small source of pleasure. The idea of simplification is very appealing to me.
3. Saying “fuckitall” and moving to a new city and starting over fresh. This one I’ve actually discussed with the Dude (because I would of course want him with me, and because he’s feeling his own degree of disenchantment with the status quo), and we agree it’s actually not beyond the realm of possibility. It would have to wait until the end of the year, at the earliest, but we’ve kicked the idea around. Where would we go? We keep coming back to the Pacific NW, since it would be a big change, and because socially and politically (and climatologically, which is totally a word) we think we’d be reasonably comfortable, even if it would also mean really closing the door on the life I had imagined and prepared for for more than a decade. We really liked Seattle, but maybe Portland (which has admittedly raised in my estimation since BeckySharper sent me this link)?
Although it seems like everyone I know is having a totally awesome time of it (new job! bought a house/apartment! sold a house/apartment! book contract! finally pregnant!), I know that there is always suffering and disenchantment out there. So what to do about it?
Today’s FFT is about just that. When faced with a series of bad options–or no options–in your current situation, have you ever taken your fate into your hands and drastically changed direction? Taken big risks to get out of a rut? Quit a job, left a partner, liquidated your life for a fresh start elsewhere? What happened? Would you do it again? (Should I get a pixie cut?)
Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose, right?
About three years ago I got left by a partner, and did take the ensuing ‘nothing left to lose, doesn’t matter what I do now’ to heart. I concentrated on saying ‘fuck it, yes’ to things I’d previously have ummed and aahed and dithered over until the stars went out. I moved back to the town I grew up in and started saying yes to things.
To date, this has included buying two horses (must stop this now, can’t afford any more) an affair with a teenager, learning to ski, trying (failing) to learn to ride a motorbike, a possible broken leg (see above), affairs with two vastly unsuitable much older men (I’m in my 30s), chopping off my hair and dying it pink and blue, and getting fairly extensively tattooed.
I am *exhausted*. But also having great fun and while it did all stem from total despair, when that passed I realised I was enjoying the midlife crisis so much I carried on.
I wish I had the guts to do the big move when things are going so-so and I’m in a rut and not wait until things completely suck, but I’m not quite there in my life. However, I have done it when things got bad.
I had a crappy year in 2009. A long term relationship ended and two months later, my company decided to reorganize and get rid of my division. (My division had been what the company was founded on, and I was on of the early employees, so it hit extra hard).
I made the decision that I would take a so-so job if it kept me in the SF Bay Area, where I lived for most of my life, but would get up and move if I found a great job in a place I wanted to live. (I’m a chemist, and most of the industrial jobs are in places I didn’t want to live.) Lo and behold, I got a great job in Ithaca, NY, which was a) somewhere I always wanted to live b) got me back into an academic setting c) a lot cheaper than the Bay Area. So at the age of 41 I packed up and moved out here.
So anyway, I’ve been here a bit over a year. I like it a lot and would do it again. I survived the Ithaca winter (not too big a surprise – I didn’t mind the weather when I lived in Boston) and love living in Ithaca. My job is great, for the most part. It is longer hours than I had in industry, but there is also more flexibility. Got a new house, new boyfriend, new cat..
I miss California at times, especially the ocean and the super fresh produce. But it is not so bad to be in a good place and miss another good place. My parents are getting older, so I do feel regret that I’ve not living in the same town as them anymore.
Re hair – I say go for it. Now that I’ve had my mini mid-life crisis and am out of the corporate world, I’m doing the opposite and letting it grow out, which is not what 42 year olds are supposed to do. (It helps that I have finally found a hairdresser who understands the meaning of “just a trim” and doesn’t go apeshit crazy on the layers)
GET THE CUT, I say not only as a person who did exactly that a year and a half ago after being faced with a job I hated, diminished prospects, body acceptance issues, perpetual singlehood and ALL THE UNCERTAINTY IN THE WORLD. And then clean your apartment if it’s not already clean. And then throw away a ton of stuff. And then remember that nothing lasts forever.
ugh, I hear ya. graduate school is sucking my soul out slowly and making me crazy. but quitting isn’t an option, so I’m biding my time until I graduate (which is fortunately in 1 year from now).
purging is fun. I highly recommend it. wearing the same “uniform” everyday is also fun. so is rolling loose change while listening show tunes and then putting the fugly piggy bank into the goodwill pile.
Purging is good. It helps to cut the deadwood out of your life. It’s freeing. Haircuts are also good. I use them as a physical expression of emotional or mental housecleaning.
There are times when we must follow Cmdr. Farragut’s orders: Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!
…”even if it would also mean really closing the door on the life I had imagined and prepared for for more than a decade.”
I closed that door, even though I’d gotten pretty close to living the life I’d imagined for myself. The thing was, it was so much better in my imagination than it was in reality! Walking away was the best decision I ever made. Which isn’t to say that my new path has always been sheltered by rainbows and covered in fairy dust. It’s been tough at times for sure. But whereas at my worst I was crying multiple times a day, I’m now a much more even-keel, happy person. I used to feel like life was something that happened to me and I had to fight constantly to stay on the course I’d mapped out for myself. I used to feel like one wrong move would doom me forever. Now something has shifted in my brain; although change and uncertainty still make me nervous, I have a better grasp on the belief that I have the power to make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in. Which is good since we’re making another change soon!
I say go for it (whether “it” is the haircut, moving, or something else). I know these can sound like empty words when you’re in a bad place, but none of the potential changes you’re talking about are permanent if you don’t want them to be – even relocating. You can always go back, or go somewhere else. Maybe it’s not ideal to bounce around, but don’t lock yourself into the idea that you have only one shot to get this right – that only leads to inertia, which can suck your soul dry. Letting go is hard, but it’s also incredibly freeing – you never know what you’re gonna find out there!
I’m with MKP – GET THE CUT! I cut most of my hair off about 4 months ago, and have loved it. It’s very liberating to be out from under the literal and metaphoric weight of hair. There are days when I wish I had my ponytail back, but for the most part…very freeing.
Go to Portland!!! Seriously, PDX is waaaaayyyyy better than Seattle. I’m only mildly biased, having grown up there. But to lay out just a few of many reasons: Portland has better public transportation and less traffic, better weather (less rain), better art/subculture/diy/etc etc scenes, an amazing and growing food scene (both of the cart and restaurant variety), an amazing music scene, great bar scene, and so on and so on. It’s also just plain funkier and less “yuppie” than Seattle.
That said, part of MY big change involved *leaving* Portland. Not that I wanted to leave PDX – if you haven’t guessed from the above, I’m still pretty homesick 6 years later. But I was in a dead-end job and dead-end relationship, so I applied to grad school, sold everything, and moved to New Orleans to start my PhD. Now I’m coming up on my defense, and worried about whether the time, money, and energy I’ve invested will pay off. We’ll see…regardless, I’ll be making another big move and change next summer, hopefully to start a good post-doc. Though unfortunately I will almost certainly be leaving my wonderful partner behind, as he won’t leave and I can’t stay. Sucky!
I find up and moving to a new place to be incredibly exciting, it opens the doors to new people, new hobbies, new everything. My husband and I have done it several times. After college we moved from the midwest to the Bay Area, and experienced all that the area had to offer. Then when I was pregnant with our first child, we decided it was not economical to raise a child there, and moved to the Seattle area. Seven years later we moved to the Phoenix area to see if the climate would help my autoimmune condition (mixed results). Four years ago we moved back to the Seattle area, but a different area we hadn’t ever visited before.
So we’ve done the moving around with kids, with me being in poor health, money constraints, etc. Each time we’ve met new people, explored new places, and though it can be VERY HARD, looking back I am so glad I have done it.
My nightmare is to live out my life within 100 miles of where I grew up.
Actually, up and moving was my favorite MO for breaking any rut during my early twenties…so multiple times, some with better results than others. Also, there was the time I finally threw my then-husband out. It was rather spur of the moment so I think he may have been especially ticked that he didn’t get to finish watching his foot ball game. That turned out well in the long run (thought it was hell in the short run). I have a friend who just realized their job is a complete dead end and their odds aren’t good- they applied to grad school in England on a whim, and their leaving next month. I have a good feeling about it personally, but maybe just because I’m jealous. I say go for the pixie-cut. If it’s a mistake, hair grows back, but more likely it will be awesome.
1) If you want to move somewhere slightly less far away, ahem, Boston is awesome, just saying.
2) Get the haircut! I got my suuuuper long hair cut to above my shoulders once after a really hard couple months (although I’d been planning it for much longer), and I honestly believe that a large portion of the positive changes I’ve been able to make since then, which are many, are partially due to the fact that I feel…free to be someone different than who I was, in some ways.
3) I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve considered literally just getting into the car with my boyfriend and driving away somewhere. We’ve never done it but we talk about it…perhaps disturbingly often. I am determined to live somewhere that’s not the northeast US sometime in my life, for more than a month or two. But you’re only going to know when it’s time to make a drastic change if you’re open to that possibility in the first place, I think.
DO IT. Especially the pixie cut! I went pixie (with longish bits in the front) about a year ago and, man, I will NEVER go back. It looks better with my face, takes barely 5 minutes to make fancy, and I save tons of money on shampoo.
And every time I look in the mirror, I grin like a maniac to remember how liberating it felt to chop off all that physical and metaphorical weight. For me, every morning shower is now a big fat “FUCK YOU, EXPECTATIONS OF THE PATRIARCHY!”
(Added bonus: I only have to deal with half the number of sexist douchenozzles trying to hit me up these days.)
If you left town I would haz a giant sad (at least, until I visited you in Portland so we could go to the Pie Festival). But I say do whatever makes you happy. That sense of being stuck like a mouse in a glue trap is the worst feeling ever.
I SRSLY vote yes for the pixie cut. And soon, so you can enjoy the cool breeze on your neck during the dog days of August!
2 years ago I quit my job, sold my house and took a trans-Atlantic cruise (very cheap re-positioning trip, highly recommended). I spent some time in Puerto Rico where the cruise left and 2 weeks later I was in Barcelona. Accomodation is cheap if you’re not picky. I travelled through France, stayed in Brussels a while, slept on a friend’s sofa in Rotterdam for a couple of months, then up north to Denmark and my beloved Finland and Estonia. I now live and work in the South Island of New Zealand. I haven’t had a boring day in ages and my old job at a Wal-Mart in Oregon can kiss my ass!
The thing I fear most is being stuck, which is why I am always planning plans B and C. That might seem pessimistic, but it gives me a sense of freedom and of being able to change course, which is something very important to me.
I don’t know that I’ve ever made a radical change because I felt I had no options, but I have made some pretty big decisions to shake things up. One of those involved a big geographic move aged 18, which ended up changing my life in ways I couldn’t have predicted, but don’t regret at all – it was a good decision financially and in just about every other way. I basically took a (calculated) risk and hoped for the best, and it ended up being very empowering.
PS I cut my hair really short a couple of years ago, and liked the low-maintenance aspect of it, but I don’t think it really suited me, so now I’m reluctantly back to shoulder-length…
the interwebs ate my comment
long and short of it – go team pixie cut!
I got my hair cut super short a few weeks ago. Best thing ever.
If you want to move someplace awesome that isn’t quite so far away, you should move to Buffalo. I mean, I tell people that they should move to Buffalo all the time, but I’m just saying that it’s fucking awesome, shockingly cheap (like, I paid $325/month to live in my last apartment, with one roommate, in an old Victorian house, with a fireplace and bay windows, and in one of the nicest areas of the city). Lots of smart people, too. I mean, I’M JUST SAYING.
But more importantly, GET THE HAIRCUT.
I graduated from university in 2009, and I had no idea what to do with myself; moreover, in the same month one of my friends died in a car crash and I was raped by a man I’d considered a close friend for a long time.
Long and short of it, I took off to Taiwan, originally just for the year, then I just never left. I’m in grad school there now, and when things were getting overwhelming at the beginning, I went from brunette to blonde, which was oddly liberating.
Purging is good.
@Cimorene – “I paid $325/month to live in my last apartment, with one roommate, in an old Victorian house, with a fireplace and bay windows, and in one of the nicest areas of the city”
As I look around the fireplace-less apartment that I pay over twice that to live in, all I can say is: waaaaaaaaaah why is it so expensive here
Pittsburgh also has the advantage of being cheap as hell, having some nice architecture, a ton of museums, etc…but… I mean, Boston. *sigh*
Dorkie, I second what Becky said-do what makes you and the Dude feel right. I mean, really, what’s more fun than an unexpected plot change in the middle of the book?
Do not denigrate your accomplishments to date. Getting a PhD is something to be immensely proud of. You have maintained a successful relationship for much longer than a lot of folks, and it’s still going strong. You’ve survived in NYC, which is not easy for anyone, and especially those who aren’t in Donald Trump’s income range. You’ve changed your students’ lives and inspired so many, and this site has been a source of support and strength for me and so many others. You are amazing, Dorkie!
Come visit Pittsburgh! It’s closer, and is very affordable and has all kinds of great stuff going on. It feels somewhat like Portland, actually-river city and all that. But we def have a lower hipster quotient.
GET THE HAIR CUT!
I got my hair cut short, and dyed a lighter brunette about 6 weeks ago. I love it, and the change has been rolling through my life. I’ve been wearing more daring/fun clothes,going out more, quit my soul-killing, low-paying job last week, and am now interviewing for positions that pay at least 8 thousand more. I also dumped the emotionally distant jerk I was seeing for about a year. I mark the momentum for change to the hour I sat in the salon chair, and said “cut it all off, like so….”. I’m terrified I won’t get a job, but if I didn’t do something different, nothing would have changed.
Purging, and cleaning are also good. It helps you feel in control of your surroundings, and make any location changes much much easier.
Therapy is a helpful, healing practice. Never think it’s not. Anything that helps you grow as a person, and lessen the power of old emotional scars or fear is good in my book–cleaning, haircuts, therapy, moving, etc. Do it all, and then see where you and the Dude end up. You two will be happier, just for taking a chance.
Hi. I don’t know you so I don’t know what to tell you about your career or your hair, but I do have one piece of advice: don’t move to Seattle during the wintertime. You know about the weather but you might not know about the darkness: it’s so far north (almost at London’s latitude) that the sun sets quite early. And although people exaggerate the rain, they do not exaggerate the cloudiness; in winter you could go months without seeing the sun. So between (a) lack of sunshine, (b) daily darkening beginning around 3:30 PM, (c) your newness in town, and (d) not working outside the home, I don’t think you’ll find it a cure for getting you out of your rut.
Now, I lived in Seattle for 7 years from the late 80s to mid 90s, and I thought it was a fantastic place. And because I was a software engineer in my 20s working 10 AM – midnight every day, the cloudiness and early sunsets didn’t bug me. Maybe they won’t bug you either. But if they do, you’ll spend the first few months indoors thinking you’ve made a terrible mistake, and that would be a shame because it’s a great city once you’re settled.
Best wishes.
Hmmm, I wrote a big bunch of advice, but then realized that wasn’t really what you asked for in your post. So instead I’ll try to work it into an anecdote:P
I don’t think of myself as having made drastic changes in my life’s direction, but that’s perhaps because whenever I make a big change, it’s been somewhat planned out (eg. moving to a (slightly) different country for work).
I’m lucky enough to have a secure job(*), but there are some aspects of it that I’ve been growing increasingly discontent with, so I’ve been considering another big change. I got my hair cut – not pixie, but shorter than it’s been since I was five or so – two years ago. It helped give me a sense of change for a little bit, but I still have some underlying issues that I need to deal with, so it was really only a temporary fix. (So my opinion on the pixie cut is: do it if it makes you happy, but it’s kind of incidental.)
Eventually, I sat down and made some lists:
1. what I enjoy in my current job and want to continue doing,
2. what I want out of life, focusing on work life,
3. what other things I enjoy doing or could see myself doing for work,
4. what (specifically and being creative) my skills are, and what skills I could easily acquire.
Then I had a good friend look over my lists, particularly the skills one (sometimes it’s hard to judge our own skill set, especially being trained to see it in really narrow, disciplinary terms as we are in academia), and help me come up with some creative ideas and options, and a plan. I feel much better having a plan.
(* I saw an unemployed PhD from a big name supervisor at a conference recently. Most folks I know are hanging on, but certainly a number of friends have left academia. The job situation is quite bad at present, and doesn’t look like it’s going to get better soon. It doesn’t help that, at least in my field, we’re trained to think that academia is the only valid profession to aspire to, and leaving academia is some sort of failure; plus no one has any idea what’s out there for other related job options.)
Good luck!
(Alecto, that sounds like a really tough year!)
I’ve taken risks to get out of a rut! And even though they were painful and hard at first, the result was fantastic!!
I quit a job I liked to move half way across the country to finish university. The packing, the saying good-bye, everything was incredibly hard.. but then I look at where I am now, and I know it was the best thing I did. Whilst things where I am now have changed since I first moved (I’ve ended a relationship, I’ve started a new relationship, moved house, adopted a puss-cat, found excellent friends, have great academic supporters) I feel like that initial risk has paid bid dividends.
Even when I’m in a rut, I think one of the first go-tos is to change the hair on the head. So with the recent house move, I went for a rather radical change in colour – the new colour has been dubbed “cherryripe” and “fire hair”. Then I got rid of a bunch of clutter and things that I no longer used, either passed them onto friends who could use them, or they went to goodwill.
Then I go to options. And whilst I’m figuring out options, there is paraphrasing of something the Gadamar said that makes me feel better – we do not have infinite options, our past and present limit our present and future.
So knowing that I have limited options helps to make decision-making easier and manageable, coz I know that being NASA astronaut is definitely off the table
Ann Arbor sounds like your bag. Academic, artsy, slower pace. And to help you fight the power, I’ll mail you a Spartan sweatshirt in opposition to the Wolverine pigdogs who unfortunately infect that place.
What the fuck kind of color is “Maize,” anyway?
As a pixie cut person for the past 20 years, I urge you to cut your hair.
Oh Phd Dork, go for it! As a wise friend once told me- nothing can’t be undone except having a child!! Hair grows back, you can move back. Also important to remember is that life goes in bad and good cycles. This will be over at some point and there’s nothing wrong with doing something to pull that end date closer. PS just grew my blonde out into grey and am lovng it. Am also wearing a wedge with layer The professionals pixie!