Comments on: Acting Queer: Dis-jointed Thoughts on “Playing Gay”

By: Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:06:06 +0000

Oh man. I’m glad Im not the only person who thinks about this. (I identify as a queer woman bee tee dubs). I *did* “play” at being gay, back when I was working out what was going on, so to speak. At the time, if you asked me, I would have probably said I was straight and thought I was being honest about it. I’m still not sure if I just hadn’t realised or if my sexuality was changing. Idk. I’ve never really felt super strongly attracted to people in general so maybe that made it hard to tell.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about people who pretend to be queer, but are straight. Sometimes, especially when it’s guys who are either flirting with each other or acting camp, I’m like, hey the more people do this and see this as acceptable the better, right? Other times, I’m just like, are you making a joke out of part of who I am? :’( The one I particularly don’t like is when people who are monogamous and straight pretendgay with someone for to get their opposite-sex partners attention or just to be outlandish in general. It’s like, hey, so, what, you talk about this proudly and it’s not cheating because same-sex relationships don’t count? JEE THANKS.

In the end I’ve decided to personally, I’m okay with it, as long as they’re doing it to try on personalities or for fun, as opposed to doing it to make fun of queer people. Now if only I was reliable at telling the difference…

By: Wes

Wes — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:04:30 +0000

The whole time I was reading Garland Grey’s post I was thinking Sherlock. Sherlock. Sherlock. And then you brought it up! I’m very active in the Sherlock fan community, and I certainly agree that this type of acting can be problematic–another in-show example, of course, being Moriarty–so thank you for bringing another slant to it.

P.S. According to Benedict, Sherlock’s too “masculine” to be gay, which is a whole other can of fail.

By: Eva

Eva — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 18:21:45 +0000

I absolutely agree with the author of this piece in that we should encourage fluidity. The fact is we can never know someone’s true feelings around their own sexuality even if we see them as trying to “get attention” As someone whose job hinges on the ability to flirt well (im a sex worker) and as someone whose clients rarely meet my criteria for someone i’m actually sexually attracted to (im also a lesbian)my flirting can be seen as me “faking it” and trying to “get attention”. which is true. in my case, my openly flirting does not reveal my sexuality in these cases. I’d hate to be judged based on who i flirt with so i don’t judge others based on who i think they “should” flirt with

By: Bee

Bee — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 05:36:34 +0000

@Cimorene and Sara – I’m not so down with the idea of desexualizing flirtatiousness. I think that there’s a difference between flirting and “playing” with people even if the line between those two things is often fluid and hard to draw. I like to make the distinction because I think that one can “play” with someone platonically but in a flirtatious way without any sexual undertones, and that can be fun. For me, anyway, I don’t think that denying the intention of honest flirting is exactly helpful, though. We’ve come a long way in making open flirting/open sexuality okay (even if we still have more work to do in this area), and I like that as much as I like the better recognition we now have for queerplatonic relationships and “flirting” as a way to playfully-but-platonically relate to or have fun with friends and other people.

Saying that flirting is the same as just being especially nice also depoliticizes the significance of flirtation in relationships made unequal by race, class, social status, sexual orientation, gender, etc. To willingly or unwillingly (or even unconsciously) use one’s sexuality as a means of securing or preserving your economic status definitely has political significance. Pandering to one’s customers or workplace superiors on any level is political, but flirting might be considered even more of an overlap of the personal and the political. And I absolutely agree that no one should be obligated to make their relationship status or sexual orientation explicit during such casual service person-customer exchanges, but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s a class hierarchy and then either a subversion or reinforcement of that power in these cases.

By: Joseph Tychonievich

Joseph Tychonievich — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 20:10:56 +0000

Interesting post. When I was in the closet, I NEVER flirted with anyone. Now that I’m out, I flirt with women all the time. As Cimorene says, it is a way of being nice, of saying they are special, I like them, they are beautiful.

By: annajcook

annajcook — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 18:29:22 +0000

@Cimorene & Sara, good points both. I’ve worked in customer service but I guess because I’ve never understood how flirting works in general I never thought of the aim-to-please manner we auto-adopt in retail as “flirting” … Cimorene, I love the idea that “flirting” has come to mean “be super nice in the same way that “political correctness” means (for those who don’t use it as a put-down!) “don’t be an asshole”! *giggles*

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 18:00:55 +0000

If I worked in retail, and a customer seemed interested in me, and I thought it would help me sell something, I’d roll with it. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so I wouldn’t be genuinely “available” to either male or female customers, as flirtatious as they may be. But I don’t think I’m obligated to make all of that explicit, nor do I think the girl in the story would be similarly obligated, regardless of whether her behavior derives from any kind of genuine inner sexual fluidity.

By: Cimorene

Cimorene — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 17:19:20 +0000

I just want to say that the word “flirt” is, to me, like the phrase “politically correct.” They’re just codewords for “being nice.” Like, flirting isn’t really any different from being especially nice, it’s just that it’s sexualized–even though people are always like, “Oh flirting isn’t necessarily sexual,” so if it’s not sexual, then how is it different from being nice? I always used to say that to be a good waitress at the place I worked, I needed to flirt with people. Flirt with middle aged me, flirt with grandmothers, and their grandchildren, and single mothers, and tables full of preteens. But flirting just means “being nice and implying a special or singular relationship (like, “you’re my only customers”) when everyone understands, logically, that there isn’t one.”

Just like being politically correct just means, not being rude.