I’m out of town again this weekend–this time to see the Dude family (and endure the horror show that is Family Portrait-taking)–so I won’t get to this until after most of the discussion is over, but since I’ve been a Debbie Downer lately, I thought this week’s FFT should try something different.
You’ve all read or heard the Gandhi quote “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Well, it’s a little “glib inspirational t-shirt,” but there’s also something to it. A wise and kind reader helped me realize earlier this week that focusing on “being the change” is a better/healthier/more productive way of being than focusing on “the change you want to see.” Which is what I get caught up in, and what makes me nuttykookoobananasad. Because you can’t ensure the change, whatever you do. All you can do is try and keep trying and fail and try some more. Life’s kind of sucky-magical that way. (Thank you, wise and kind reader. You can out yourself in comments if you want.)Anyway, this week’s FFT is a chance for you to tootle your own horn about the change you are being in the world, even if you aren’t satisfied with the results you might be getting. What do you value, and what are you doing to promote what you value? Since we don’t all have the same values (even here in the Ladyborg-Hivemind!), we can all be different changes, and I’d ask you respect others’ values and changes, even if they aren’t yours, in the comment thread.
…Unless some anti-abortion activist starts chiming in, at which point I hope one of my sister Harpies will shut that shit down.
So, what change/s am I being in the world? There are a handful I could list, but lately, my values have shifted toward anti-capitalism and anti-consumerism, and the change I’m being is that of a seriously conscientious, abstemious consumer. By which I mean I’m buying very little, and what I’m buying, I’m buying locally, or hand-made, or second-hand (I got a couple of long-desired books last weekend in Boston for less than $10, which is the most I’ve spent on non-comestibles since…April?). Almost nothing beyond food, really. Admittedly this is fed by my rather dire financial straits, but I’ve been learning that buying stuff is really not terribly necessary to my happiness and well-being. I miss the services/experiences (going out for drinks or meals, or to the theatre) that money can buy far more than I miss books or music or clothes or whatever. If/when I ever get back to some sort of financial security–that is, have a steady income that will cover my basic expenses–I hope I can remember that lesson and keep my consumerism to a minimum.
There are others, especially being a vegetarian and being a mentor to college-age students (which I take very seriously). What are yours? G’wan, inspire me.
Growing up in a family that chose education outside of institutional school meant that I got used to “being the change” at quite an early age. Obviously at first it was my parents’ change, not mine — it had to do with the way they wanted family life to be. But in time it became my own. I learned that it was possible to live within a dominant culture that prioritized certain values and, in my own life, choose a different set of values.
I choose to love many different body types and embrace all human beings as beautiful and sexually desirable for someone somewhere. I make it a daily practice to avoid policing peoples’ clothing choices and bodies.
I try to be comfortable in my nakedness and enjoy my physicality, even when I experience feelings of shame that my body isn’t “perfect”
I choose to challenge fat shaming when I see it, and the idea that fat = morally worthless.
I choose to challenge slut shaming and the pervasive culture of sexual ignorance and shame.
I live openly with my partner, a woman, and choose to engage in public displays of affection for her so that people know we are a couple and that I am okay with that being a visible part of my life.
I try as much as possible to use language to communicate rather than to create boundaries and divisions — to use identity to build community rather than use it to exclude and marginalize.
I try as much as possible to use re-usable travel mugs and shopping bags! Hopefully sometime soon we will also be in a situation to begin composting again.
I use public transportation, walk, and drive hybrid cars whenever possible (I realize that my economic situation and urban location make this more possible for us than many folks!)
I try not to hate on folks in public who make my commute / dinner out / errand-running / morning walk more noisy, slower, awkward, anxiety-producing than I would have ideally liked it to be.
I bought a hat from theuniverseknows.com with “be the change” on it, because I need a constant reminder that a) to make change happen takes action and b) to change those around me, I first have to change myself. Neither thing is that easy to do, but there is something to be said for the attempt. Perhaps it has become too much of a platitude or cliché, but that does not mean it is not true.
I try to stick up loudly for women’s reproductive choices extending beyond abortion rights. I’m privileged enough to live in a place where that choice isn’t questioned, but there is so much pressure either to parent or parent in an expected way.
I want to let mothers who aren’t all about their children feel okay about that and not succumb to the guilt about feeling otherwise. I want to empower all parents in giving a collective fuck off to people who judge their skills.
I want to change minds about how poverty works and give a face to what it really is.
I want to prove that we can have it all and I want to set up a good example for all girls out there.
Being a conscious consumer is also one of my new passions, and if I weren’t in grad school and about to start a hospital placement that will probably suck my free time/soul away completely, I’d probably be all self-promotion-y and tell you to go read all of my blogs posts about it that I’ve (currently haven’t) written.
I want to live in a world where we are more than our stuff. And I try to “be” the change by practicing it in my personal life–by buying as little as possible, by trying to make do with what I have, by critically assessing the things I own and asking myself if I *really* need them, etc. And also, purging is fun.
I want fat people to have all the rights that so-called “normal-sized” people have, so as a DEATHFATZ, disabled, older woman, I’m living my life “fat at the world”. In other words, I’m living the same life a thinner person would – I’m wearing my swimsuit in public proudly when I want to go swimming, I wear sleeveless shirts when it’s hot outside, I go to baseball games, I do my shopping and use a mobility cart, I go out for dinner with my husband and don’t worry about what people think of what I’m eating or how much/little I’m eating or even WHERE we’re eating (fast food isn’t WHY I’m fat, y’all), I try to educate every doctor I see about HAES (Health At Every Size) and treating me the same way they would a thin person with my same conditions, and the list goes on and on (I even wore my Fat!So? tee shirt to the baseball game the other night).
I want all the fat-phobes to see that fat people live the same lives as everyone else and we have the same right to respect and dignity as everyone else. I’m not asking for it in my life, I’m demanding it.
It’s really, really important to me that women be educated, happy, empowered, and guilt-free about their sexual health and pleasure. I want every woman to know that she has the absolute right to pleasurable, guilt-free, respectful sexual experiences, as well as the right to turn down any kind of sexual encounter she doesn’t want without feeling pressured or guilty (and, in fact, should feel free to be angry and confrontational if she’s ever pressured). I had the privilege of being raised in a shame- and judgment-free household when it came to sex and bodies, and I see how happy and guilt-free it made me. I wish that for everyone.
And in general, I want women to feel that they can be a bitch loudly and proudly when confronted by sexist bullshit, from casual chauvinist dismissals to our shitty rape culture. That’s why I talk about it so much on this blog and why I do it so much in my personal life.
I’m at the point where I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore, and I hope to get other women to the point where they will confront sexist bullshit wherever they find it.
I’m unapologetically feminist-y in places where it’s usually socially unacceptable to call people on their shit. For example, if a colleague/classmate makes a joke about rape at the expense of women at a work-ish-related social event (being a grad student means the lines between socializing with friends and with colleagues is kinda blurry) I call them on it, which almost always makes people feel uncomfortable. At which point I point out that he made everyone uncomfortable by making a dumb rape joke.
I also make it a priority to never dismiss women’s emotions, and to tell as many women as possible that having an emotion doesn’t make one crazy/needy/naggish.
And I write about feminism in most of my papers, and have even been known to call professors out on their sexist comments (which is definitely scary, but has only ended very well thus far–like, professors including feminist theory in all the readings for the rest of the summer, and getting all defensive about not being a misogynist by making sure to talk about women and feminism a lot for the rest of the semester, which was really awesome).
This is a fun thread.
I’ve been working on a domestic violence program. It’s a court ordered program for batterers called the NY Model Batterer program. The men get sentenced to 52-week or 26-week terms with us, where we teach them feminism and oppression theory, among other things.
Other instructors rotate in and out of classes, but mine is the only class that is given in both English and Spanish. I do the translation. I’ve been doing it for almost two years now, pretty faithfully, every Thursday late afternoon through evenings.
I realized yesterday that for many of the current men in the program, even those with 52 week sentences, I am the most consistent point of contact with the program and feminism and oppression theory. And suddenly I felt so so responsible. But happy too.
In terms of being the change in the world there’s a couple of things that I am currently doing:
* reducing my consumption generally, and ensuring that food bought into the house is used.
* in taking on teaching at university, I want to show students that economics is understandable, able to be critically analysed, and will provide students with other lenses with which to see the world. (It does help that I get paid for it.)
* I enjoy being involved in my trade union and other sister unions, campaigning for and supporting workers rights. I believe that there should be dignity and respect in the workplace, including good pay and working conditions – no matter what job it is that is being performed.
* as a first generation Australian (both of my parents were migrants), I support campaigns on recognising the rights of asylum seekers and expecting Australia to live up to its international obligations.
It’s great to see that other harpies have passions, and are being the change they want to see in the world.
I have been extra conscious over the last five or so years to not engage in, and to call out and end, body snarking amongst friends. You know that cycle: “I’m so fat” “No, you’re so thin, I’m so fat”. I don’t do it. I tell you when you’d doing it. I ask you not to do it again.
I have worked hard on more internally accepting my own body and not dieting anymore. I’m not there yet. But I engage in mental body-hate less often and less intensely, and dismiss it more easily when thoughts creep in.
Lately, I’ve been mildly obsessed with how our puritanical culture causes people on both the left and the right to abhor and police beauty, humor, joy, and experimentation in favor of rigidity, black-and-whiteness, and constant offense-taking for the sake of it. The result is a political climate where people are more interesting in policing what’s “allowed” rather than having substantive discussions—witness the amount of ink spilled on whether or not it was acceptable to question Bachmann on her sexist views of marriage.
The way I’m trying to be the change is I’m looking for times I feel like censoring myself unduly, lazily being the outrage police instead of offering substantive analysis, and being afraid to be messy, beautiful, joyful, and especially humorous because I’m afraid someone, somewhere might be in a shaming mood and I’m the target they latch on to. I’d rather live in a colorful world where people are feeling real feelings than the game-playing, puritanical culture we live in now.
In addition to vegan and pro-choice activism, and volunteering at a sanctuary for victims of the farm industry (like the “rape rack”, gah, dairy is not good for our fellow females in other species!), I try to educated people on a daily basis as to why food shouldn’t be either your secret love or your worst enemy. Meaning, no need to talk about how “bad” you’re being by eating food, or enjoying food, or not being skinny. I do this as a thin person who is trying to avoid encouraging the privilege and the resentment associated with being a thin female in our sexist society, and who is really fucking tired about how girls are trained to have eating disorders from an increasingly young age.
Recently I have been going gangbusters on getting out of a very abusive and depressing job situation. I describe it as my abusive boyfriend, because the same dynamics are involved. Trust me, “Mad Men” is alive and well in the corporate world, but without the sexytimes and the awesome clothes. I am going to learn from all the narcissist business guys I can’t stand, and learn to advocate for myself, negotiate with the best of them for my needs, and NOT assume I’m unqualified for everything. Women sell themselves so short, and invariably end up in assistant roles. I have got to save my sanity, get further education, and work on my goal in non-profit management and possibly lobbying as well.
In other words, I am trying out actually advocating for myself, as opposed to simply advocating for every person and cause around me instead. It’s been a lesson over 10 years in the making.
type: educate
(aka woops, quick typing)
@rodriguez – Fascinating. I’ve wondered how it is to work in that type of program. What’s been your impression of how effective it is and what the men get out of the program? What parts work better than others? Are there a lot of ‘ah ha!’ light bulb moments for the guys taking it, or not?
@veganmarcy It’s really hard for people in contact with the NY Model Batterer program to hear us when we say that we are not invested in changing the behavior of any individual man. In fact it turns people off. But, for the safety of the women partnered with the participants, we never claim to change any man’s behavior. Looking from that angle the program doesn’t seem effective.
Obvs the next question is, why do you do it then? It’s that we are working towards making changes in society as a whole. It used to be that domestic violence had no legal or even societal consequences for the men who batter their partners, and now it does. If there is one thing that the men learn, it’s that they did not get away with it. Maybe the children of such couples also learn that same thing – “he didn’t get away with beating my mom”.
So, Dorkie’s thread is really a great reminder for me, that change comes really slowly. (Yay for you, wise and kind reader, you helped me too.) If I really want to be an agent of change, I have to face the fact that change may not come for 200 years, far beyond when any trace or memory of me is gone from the earth.
But veganmarcy, thank you so much for asking, because in fact there are aha moments for the men. There’s not as many as I would like, but there are some.
“So, Dorkie’s thread is really a great reminder for me, that change comes really slowly. (Yay for you, wise and kind reader, you helped me too.) If I really want to be an agent of change, I have to face the fact that change may not come for 200 years, far beyond when any trace or memory of me is gone from the earth.”
This is also important to remember about change.. it doesn’t mean give up, but still be an agent of change.
thanks rodriguez for the reminder that being the change isn’t always about now – it’s about a better world in the future.