So on Saturday night, I had a fairly dreadful blind date with a banker from Montreal. His advance billing was fine: Jewish, early 40s, relatively new to New York. We met at a French wine bar in the East Village that he picked out—barstools close together, low light, very atmospheric. He looked…well, a little like Mitt Romney. Not unattractive but…same Ronald Reagan hairdo, same aura of moneyed arrogance and he was practically campaigning as soon as we sat down. He quickly turned the conversation to himself and what he wanted from a relationship and began to extol his own virtues, including that he is “a very complex person” and that “I can usually figure out people within about twenty minutes.” He also told me proudly that he could be “very judgmental” because he is such an excellent judge of human nature. Which is…supposed to be hot?
I also had to work hard not to roll my eyes when he that he told me—more than once, in fact—that he “lives in the moment.” I’m sorry, y’all, but 99% of the time, that’s just a dumbass cliche employed by people who want to make themselves sound bold and passionate when they’re really just trying to justify their need for instant gratification and/or inability to get their shit together.
This went on for a little more than an hour. A very looong hour. Then he scooted his barstool a little closer, put his hand over mine and began stroking my fingers, complimenting me on how “long and sensitive” they were. I basically had three choices: pull my hand away, hold his hand, or do nothing. I went with the latter; I just left my hand lying limp on the bar. Undeterred, he spread his hand on top of it and then reached his thumb underneath so that he was stroking my palm with his thumb, really digging in and massaging it in circles. Basically, his hand was having sex with my hand right there on the bar. I could tell from the way he was eyeing me to gauge my reaction that this was his Big Seductive Move.
Thing is, it was such an obvious move, so blatantly calculated, from a guy who was trying so hard to convince me of what a catch he was that I just wanted to laugh. After a minute of watching with horrified fascination as he mauled my hand, I joked, “Can I have my hand back so I can take a drink?” He pouted a little and let go. I looked him in the eye and said, “You’re coming on a little strong,” which provoked even more pouting because the only thing worse than having your Big Seductive Move rejected is when someone calls you on your Big Seductive Move. We talked for a few more minutes and then he began to stroke the small of my back, which was not a good sign, because when a woman doesn’t want to hold your hand, you should know she probably also doesn’t want you stroking her back. But he seemed determined to keep trying.
“There’s this romantic little Italian restaurant down the street…would you like to continue our conversation there?” he asked.
Thing is, I really didn’t. I knew I wasn’t attracted to this guy. In fact, I was actively un-attracted to him. And while I didn’t want to be rude and wasn’t going to pull out the Bitchzooka, I was definitely going to get the hell out of there. I politely demurred, “No, I ate before I got here”—which was true, actually—and he finally got the message and asked the bartender for the bill.
Let’s just say that although my rejection was comparatively mild, he was clearly not happy about it and as we left the bar began making noises about how “we’re clearly very different people who want different things in a partner.”
Did I care? Did I give a shit? No. As soon as we got outside, I said good night and barreled off down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. Truth is, the only thing more euphoric than good date buzz is the gleeful relief of escaping a bad date. I was positively giddy as I headed for the subway.
Oh, Becky, you insensitive bonerkiller. He probably read about that hand maneuver in “The Game” and now his faith in the method is dead. *snerk*
This is the kind of thing that makes me SO GLAD I’m not out there. Egad, the complete lack of awareness on Big Seductive Move’s part is cri-larious. He was so busy hitting his marks–personal slogan, hand-fucking, “escalating” to a second location that he made sure to declare “romantic”–that he failed to notice that you were a person having a series of individual reactions, thereby ensuring his own rejection.
PUAs, take note.
he failed to notice that you were a person having a series of individual reactions
Yeah, that’s exactly it. Maybe that shtick has worked for him in the past or maybe he thought for some reason that I was the type who would be especially responsive to PUA moves. So much for “I can usually figure people out in twenty minutes.” Further proof that the folks who spout that bullshit are often the most obtuse when it comes to reading people.
It was 90 minutes you’ll never get back, but thanks for giving us a good laugh on a Monday morning.
One good thing about turning 40 and getting fatter is that the super-entitled, arrogant 40-something types leave me alone since I am now too old and fat for them.
I just want to say that this is the kind of thing women need to hear about on a regular basis — particularly your handling of the situation. Thanks to the whole “being conditioned to be accommodating” thing, I got myself into a lot of situations with entitled- or desperate-acting men when I was younger that I didn’t want to be in. I was so afraid of any sign of anger or agitation, that I let myself be taken advantage of. Ugh.
You may have wasted an evening, but you had fodder to entertain people across the country. I had many a snicker at your commentary!
Bah. Dates like that are so transparent. You know what’s NOT a turn-on for an intelligent woman? Attempting to dupe her into something.
Like the others said, though, thanks for the laugh!
Good Christ, sounds like most of the dates I’ve ever been on. Which is why I’m actively anti-dating unless I meet someone and the attraction is immediate and mutual. And I totally second the “relief” feeling.
@sam: Yep, I totally hear you. I think women are so conditioned to value a man’s response to them over their own response to him. So if a guy comes on really strong, hey, male attention is way more important than our feelings! It can lead to a lot of uncomfortable and sometimes even dangerous situations.
Sorry you’ve had bad experiences that way. I think a lot of us have.
Grr. If he’s so complex, why does he feel the need to project a billboard of his personality. And did he even bother to ask you any questions? A date is not a board meeting.
One devil’s advocate-y comment on this:
“He also told me proudly that he could be “very judgmental” because he is such an excellent judge of human nature. Which is…supposed to be hot?”"
Speaking as a single guy in my early 40s, I’m never trying to seem “hot” on a date – that ship has sailed. I’m just trying to seem confident.
Who knows why people say stupid shit on dates? I once had a first date where she said, “I’ve cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had.” Not a sales pitch I would have chosen…but hey, I’m always grateful to learn the easy way instead of the hard way.
Lurker,
Becky is talking about HER experience. Playing Devil’s Advocate and making it about you is derailing.
@Lurker: Thanks for educating us about your dating life. I’m sure we all found it quite enlightening.
As for your playing devil’s advocate, saying “I’m very judgmental” doesn’t seem confident. It seems dickish, which is hopefully not what you or anyone else wants to convey on a first date.
Oh yes. The “I’m so spontaneous!” guy. In my experience, that meant “I can’t be arsed to make any plans, or in any way consider your schedule, because I’m flakier than a croissant.”
And it made me want to run away, at specifically 7:58 p.m., since I had a date with a “Golden Girls” rerun at 8:30.
And at the risk of derailing, I effin’ HATE Devil’s advocates.
Oh, man. Anyone who thinks he can figure anyone out in 20 minutes is completely missing the point. Never mind the hilarity of simultaneously finding oneself ever so complex.
Which makes me sad, especially as he’s from Montreal and might be good at making poutine.
I just want to second Sam’s comment and Becky’s response.
There is soooo much pressure to accommodate men instead of voicing our own opinions. I really wish, ten years ago, I would’ve had more exposure to posts like this that show a confident, assertive woman turning down a guy.
It concerns me that I’m reading this and thinking of it as kind of a radical, rare thing — it almost makes me want to start a Tumblr collection of examples of women being assertive like you, Becky. I think the world could use more of this.
I think I have to go wash the ick off just reading that, let alone what it must’ve been like first hand.
The social conditioning of being accommodating almost got me date raped once and I could’ve used a Becky Sharper in my youth.
I could say a lot of things, but damnit, fucking your hand with his thumb is creepy and familiar territory and I need to go disinfect my hands just thinking about it.
My first college dance I got my ass smacked in two seconds of walking (this threw me off), and the guy who forced me to grind, I mean dance, with him did not kiss me. He did not stroke my face. No, he just leaned in and LICKED MY FACE. Then went right back to what he was doing. Who the hell raises these guys, that’s what I want to know. If I had a son and he seemed at all douchey or negging, doesn’t matter how old he was, he’d be stuck in his room, duct taped to a share, and forced to watch “Free to Be You and Me” until he learned to play nice.
*chair
Was the wine bar called “Terroir”? Because if it is…then it seems to be on some asshole “good first date” list. Been there, had the bad date, had to escape. Thanks for sharing your misadventure in NYC dating. I had a sympathetic snicker. The Big Seductive Move is slightly creepy, awkward, and something that 15 year old boys picked up from Playboy. Sorry you had to suffer, but the joy of escaping is always lovely.
I screamed when I got to the part about the finger-stroking. Oh my god. I know this word is kind of overused, but the guy sounds like an actual narcissist to me.
“And did he even bother to ask you any questions?”
Teacher, call on me. I know the answer. I know because I once dated someone like this, too.
The one thing I liked about Sex and the City was how everyone (or maybe just Carrie and Samantha?) would just up and RUN from bad dates. Barely an excuse and buh bye.
Good for you Becky Sharper! Get the hell out when it’s a waste of time.
[...] I thought I’d share a recent dating encounter to offer the flip side of her skeevy experience last weekend. When I began dating again after my breakup, I joined an online dating site. Since joining [...]
[...] been thinking a lot about what commenters sam and Skada said in the comments thread on my post 90 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back. Skada remarked: There is soooo much pressure to accommodate men instead of voicing our own [...]