At the urging of the groovy BeckySharper, I thought I’d share a recent dating encounter to offer the flip side of her skeevy experience last weekend. When I began dating again after my breakup, I joined an online dating site. Since joining I’ve been on a fair amount of dates with people I’ve met online, running the gamut from terrible, to boring, to actually quite terrific. About two months ago I got a message from a girl. The note was brief and pleasant and we struck up a dialogue. Due to scheduling, though, we didn’t get a chance to meet right away, but continued chatting. Occasionally I would get notes starting ‘Hey Babe’, which, frankly, came across as a teeny bit forward, seeing as how we’d never met in person.
As we chatted I learned that she’d been a contestant on a reality show. Breaking my rule of not Googling dates before we met, I looked her up. To put it bluntly, she did not come off well on the show: shallow, aggressively physical, and self-involved. However I read several interviews conducted after the show aired in which she said her actions had been grossly taken out of context. Knowing that reality shows often distort reality for entertainment’s sake, I decided to come to my own conclusions and give it a shot.
We agreed to meet up at a birthday party for one of her friends (also a reality show star). The setting—a trendy club—was way out of my usual element, especially for a first date. She was sitting on a few couches with her friends, all of whom worked in the fashion industry either as models or buyers. Nearby, laying on a table, was a naked man covered in sushi, more and more of his anatomy being uncovered as pieces were plucked off. Again, not exactly my usual scene, but so be it. We started talking, and it soon became pretty clear we simply weren’t right for each other. We didn’t have much in common, and when I asked if she’d read any good books lately, her response was, “I don’t read anything unless it’s on TMZ or Perez Hilton.” She was hoping to develop a new reality show about her dating life, and constantly brought up the man she’d dated on the show. I certainly don’t judge any of her professional ambitions or reading habits—to each their own—it’s simply not what I’m looking for in a partner. Despite this, I was having fun. Her friends were nice and outgoing, and it was a pleasant change of pace from my usual scene. However, I noticed that as she drank, my date got a little more, well, friendly.
Every time I went to the bar, within moments she would appear behind me, rubbing her hands all over my back and chest. I didn’t tell her to stop, but tried to make it clear through body language that I wasn’t exactly comfortable. When we sat down on the couch, her hand would migrate to my leg, massaging my thigh. After a few more drinks, she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “You know you want to fuck me.” To drive the point home, she reached down and grabbed my, um, genital region. On the couch, in full view of her friends. I took her hand away, told her in so many words it wasn’t quite appropriate. When the night wound down, I took her outside to put her in a cab. As we stood on the corner, she put her hands around my waist and said, “Can I be honest with you?” I told her she could. “I love you,” she said.
My reaction was to laugh. I told her she didn’t love me, that she was a little drunk, and though I had a fun night, I didn’t think we had much in common. Her response: “We’re both hot, Jewish and blonde. That’s enough.” (I am Jewish, whether I’m hot is in the eye of the beholder, and I’m more brown than blonde, but whatever). I told her those were relatively superficial things to have in common. “So you’re saying you don’t love me,” she said. I told her she seemed like a terrific girl, but no, I didn’t love her.
With that, she turned around, walked away and hailed a cab without saying so much as goodbye. The next day she sent me a text message apologizing for her behavior and asking if I wanted to go out again. I reiterated that I thought she was a great girl, but that we weren’t right for each other. She didn’t respond to my text. That was my last direct communication from her, but every now and then I log on to that website and see that she has viewed my profile. Oh, and I recently received a facebook message asking me to check out her first self-produced rap single. Much as it pains me, I think I’ll have to pass.
Oy.
I may be starting a heated discussion here, but I’m not sure why this post is all that different from Lurker’s the other day. He was also talking about an experience he had had with a women who made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t, to my mind, saying that all women are like this, only that first dates can be fantastic, horrific, or anything in between. I didn’t get the sense that he was trying to discount Becky’s experience either, but that was just my reading.
I love this site, as you all know, and have total respect for the mods. They created it and have every right to run it as they wish, and anyone who doesn’t like that can leave and start their own. I also agree that this site should be a place for the mods and their readers to talk about their experiences as women without being judged, silenced, or patronized. I’m just not sure why we were so hard on Lurker.
*prepares to be eviscerated*
I’m not sure why this post is all that different from Lurker’s the other day
Because it was posted by the editors of this site, whereas that was a random derailing comment (and it was substantially different from this post). If you want to express your opinion on that comment, do it in that comment thread instead of threadjacking on this post.
@mischiefmanager – This post came about because Becky and I occasionally share stories about our dating exploits (the good, the bad and the ugly). I mentioned this particular episode to her, she suggested I write a post, and I was happy to share. I’m not trying to hjiack the mission of this blog by any means, I’m grateful the editors allow me the opportunity to occasionally add my perspective, perhaps a different lens to observe some of the issues they routinely cover, and cover exquisitely. My simple hope is that I can sometimes offer a glimpse at the other side.
I like the yikes tag here because that’s what I said when I read it. Sorry you got so skeeved upon–she was way out of line. Some people just have no sense if appropriate boundaries. The one thing that makes this different gender-wise is that if this happened to a woman on a date, she’d probably be worried about her physical safety and the possibility of being date raped. It doesn’t sound like the poster here was worried about his safety, just offended (rightly).
MischiefManager: if you expect to get eviscerated, why make the comment at all?
@carla – I hear you, I’m a pretty big guy so I seldom fear for my physical safety on dates, but if the tables were turned and a guy did that to a girl she could likely press charges.
@NMB: Oh, I’m glad you posted, and I don’t see your pov as hijacking the mission of the blog at all. My question was how this post is different from one that, to me, seemed similar in content.
@Becky: I’m just trying to understand. I didn’t see Lurker’s comment as derailing, but again, it’s not my site.
@Carla: Because feminists,and friends, can differ. I tried to phrase my question respectfully, but I thought it was a fair question.
Not Mr. Big – Thank you for this post! It was funny, humble, a good insight into the other side, as you say, and I think the tone was perfect for this site.
I’ve certainly encountered aspiring starlets like your reality star! Met a guy with an amazing body and stunning way of moving it on the dance floor, and went on exactly one date with him. He took me to a club where I was clearly a foreign object. I’ve never seen so many amazing bodies moving so beautifully (I dance, but these people were preternatural). My date was also an actor, and name dropped all the shows he had gotten minor parts in (only about 15% of which I had ever heard of), and all the peeps he had partied with (none of whom I knew or had heard of or cared about). When I asked him what he had read lately, he scoffed similar to your reality star! He refused to read, thought it slowed you down. So it was very clear we were from different planets, and I left as soon as I’d gotten a few good dances with other folks, and we mutually agreed it was over. He gave a half-hearted attempt to invite me to go out again or at least have sex with him, which I politely declined. However, he called periodically for months. Clearly he assumed his starlet’s gravitational pull kept all he met in irresistible orbit around him. I was relieved when he finally dropped me from his self-reassuring call list.
Those dates to other planets can be fun and enlightening. But I sure couldn’t live in that atmosphere.
It’s nice to hear from another perspective like yours. Thanks!
Not Mr. Big and elibard: Good job getting out of there in time. Both of your skeevsters sound as though they could have easily made the jump to bunny-boiler status.
Oh my, I think I actually watched that episode of reality TV that your date was was on…so that makes the post extra funny and at the same time drives home the skeev factor
This is a lot kinder than what I would have written about a date like this. Kudos to you for that.
Huh – until Carla’s comment, I had read everything under the impression the original poster was a woman.
Rereading (everything) I reacted a lot differently – now to figure out which time I was fucking up (both, presumably).