I’ve been thinking a lot about what commenters sam and Skada said in the comments thread on my post 90 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back. Skada remarked: There is soooo much pressure to accommodate men instead of voicing our own opinions. I really wish, ten years ago, I would’ve had more exposure to posts like this that show a confident, assertive woman turning down a guy.
To me, this is one of the biggest everyday problems facing hetero women when we date. We’re supposed to make guys like us, and think there’s something wrong with us if we don’t. We’re taught that turning down male attention—even unwanted attention!—is picky, rude or bitchy. I wrote a post about this years ago called A Very Disturbing Conversation, in which I described this phenomenon in its worst possible manifestation: a good friend was damn near sexually assaulted by a grope-happy date, but felt she couldn’t tell him to take his hands hands off her because “I didn’t want him to think I was a bitch.” That conversation made me SO angry—clearly this very successful 40 year old woman had been brainwashed into thinking that incurring a man’s disapproval was worse than being sexually assaulted. It’s why I started writing posts with the Be A Bitch tag; there are times when being assertive or standing up for yourself will get you called a bitch, but those are usually EXACTLY the times when you most need to do it!
That is probably the single most important part of my feminist practice: fighting back against the way society tells me that I’m bitchy or slutty or “have an attitude” for doing the things men take for granted: standing up for myself, enjoying my sexuality, saying no to whatever makes me uncomfortable or unhappy. I refuse to give in to pressure to be passive and pleasing and say yes when I really want to say no simply because society conditions me to do so and threatens me with disapproval if I don’t toe the line.
Which brings us to my aspirational spirit animal, the African honey badger. As Randall tells us, they’re pretty badass. They eats what they want. They’re fearless. They kills poisonous snakes. They gets stung by bees and don’t give a shit. That’s what I want for all women. To go through life not giving a shit, chasing down our natural enemies and occasionally biting the head off the snake of harassment and chauvinism (SUCH a bad metaphor, I know!).
I’ve told plenty of stories here about how I try to live out a honey badger-like feminism. I’d like to hear yours and I think other commenters do, too. So whether they’re stories about dating and relationships or family, work, activism or any other aspect of your life—tell us! Leave them in the comments. Or if they’re on the longer side, e-mail them to me at beckysharper@harpyness.com and we’ll feature them in a guest post.
If you need to be re-inspired (or missed the meme the first time around) here’s Randall narrating the story of our mascot:
Choosing the Honey Badger as our ‘mascot’ may become rather unfortunate when it is revealed that our fetish is a member in good standing of a group of predators which display the behaviour known as ‘Surplus Killing’.
Killing for survival is one thing, but killing in excess of one’s needs is not a trait with which we might want to be associated. Or is it?
Killing for survival is one thing, but killing in excess of one’s needs is not a trait with which we might want to be associated. Or is it?
Sounds identical to human behavior, actually.
Other honey badger traits we might not want to emulate:
Digging/living in underground warrens
Eating an almost entirely carnivorous diet
Attacking small children
“….Other honey badger traits we might not want to emulate:
Digging/living in underground warrens….”
Speak for yourself!
The other two? I concur. Though there have been times when assaulting young children was seriously contemplated – on aircraft mostly.
This is a great topic, Becky! I love it. Must channel honey badger-dom.
It’s not really feminist per se, but I channeled the honey badger once when I was 15, while visiting the Vietnam Memorial with my family. What a solemn, beautiful memorial. As we walked along slowly, I was stunned to see a grown woman lean over the chain, put her half-empty coke bottle on the grass, and walk away. I was outraged. I swept up to the bottle, walked up to her, handed it back, and said “I’m sure you didn’t mean to litter on our national memorial, especially when there is a trash can right there, five feet away.” I thrust it in her hand and stormed back to my family. They were stunned at my reaction. But here was someone desecrating what amounted to a holy site. Honey badger don’t care what others think! Honey badger fights for honor!
As a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, I am “expected” to do volunteer stuff, be available for things, etc.
I channel the honey-badger and say no. I’d rather be reading a good sci-fi book or doing something for myself and doing something I don’t want to be involved in for others.
It really freaks out other moms when I say no with no excuses about my schedule or anything. I just really don’t support the assumption that stay at home moms should provide tons of non-paid labor to various organizations.
After eating my wieght in very expensive entrées, not to mention amusing my bouche with myriad pricey morsels, my date, a retired MLB dolt who will remain unnamed and unloved queried:
“Do you eat like this at home?”
To which I replied:
“No, but then they don’t expect to fuck me after dinner there.”
I’m unsure whether this is Honey Badger-esque behaviour, but I did get to eats what I wanted.
And yes, if you are wondering, we did. And now all I can say about that evening is the lobster was great.
I’m a tropical field biologist. I’m also a woman (obvs), and reaching a “certain age”. I’m also fat. Yet, I go out in the literal jungle and face down venomous snakes, treacherous trails, panthers, armed poachers, and so on, on a daily basis. When people doubt that I can do the work given my weight, I go out there and prove them wrong. When male colleagues try to talk down to me – or any other women around me – I give them the bitch glare and smack them down (figuratively, though boy I’ve been tempted to make it literal on more than one occasion!). When a station manager abandoned me at a remote field site and tried to screw me over for several thousand dollars, I tracked her down, sent a colonel in that country’s army to her front door – 18 hours away – and had her ordered back to fulfill her obligations. When my ex-husband started lying to me shortly after our marriage, I gave him 2 more chances then dumped his a@@.
This honey badger don’t take no shit!
viajera, you do indeed deserve the title of Honey Badger! You’re awesome!
Seriously, we need a badge system for commenters to earn… the first would be a Honey Badger for viajera!
“I go out in the literal jungle and face down venomous snakes, treacherous trails, panthers, armed poachers, and so on, on a daily basis.”
Best sentence of the week! “I got out in the literal jungle” is, like, one of the best ways to open a sentence in the history of ever.
It’s so awesome to read everyone’s stories!
I try to practice saying, “Fuck you!” in my head when I think someone might try something, but I can’t get the words out of my mouth. Most of the time, I can’t even manage, “Please stop.”
I don’t understand it — I’m a strong, independent person. I fight for queer rights; I just attended an on-campus march, Take Back the Night, for survivors of abuse and assault. I think of myself as a no-nonsense person who stands up for hirself.
And then a guy does something I don’t want (strikes up a conversation with me, sits or stands too close, puts his hand on my arm or back), and I just… let it happen. It’s like I can stand up for everyone but myself. Has anyone else felt like this? =\
I am channeling my inner honey badger to fight the evil powers of ‘Ladies, U R Doin it Wrong’ which assail me from both society in general, mansplainers, and the more insidious, self-directed type. This applies to on topics such as weight, parenting or non-parenting choices, work, relationships, aging, etc. I’ll use the salary gap as an example
Ladies, you are paid 77% of what men are. U R Doin It Wrong. You should pick better paying career paths.
If you do pick a higher paid, traditionally male occupation and find out you are still hitting the glass ceiling, U R obviously still doing something wrong. Silly women, not agressively negotiating salaries, networking or pursuing promotions.
But what’s that you say – you tried to negotiate a higher salary or pushed for a promotions and it backfired or didn’t work? or your actions got you labelled too competitive when your male colleagues were doing the same thing? Tsk Tsk you are obviously a ball breaking harpy and that will get you nowhere either. U R Doing it Wrong!
F*&^ that shit! Honey badger don’t care. I am honey badger, hear me ROAR!
Becky this is a great thread! go the harpy honey badgers who are out there making life a little better by calling out the kyriarchy.
In terms of how I get my honey badger on, other than wear the t-shirts, I no longer try to make nice if I don’t want to. If I don’t want to do something, I will say “no” and I can’t be bothered offering an excuse.
I have a mix of friends, some who are expanding their families, and I find it very strange when going out with these friends that strangers want to touch their belly and/or child, and offer them advice about random things. I often get my honey badger on, because 1. a pregnant woman’s body or a child’s body is not public property; 2. the advice wasn’t asked for.
The bit that really gets me is the expectation that pregnant women’s bodies will automatically shrink down to pre-pregnancy weight in a matter of weeks. A women has just given birth and is having a hell time making adjustments in her (and her families) life, and add the body hate.. My blood boils and the honey badger comes out..
yep, I need to read these things. I don’t need to break out the honey badger in my personal life so much as professional situations.
I try to avoid thinking like this “Mr. So and So, let me show you that your jokes are all funny, let me show you that your opinions are all worth giving a listen to.” Jeebus.
I’m entirely at one with my inner honey badger. I get called a bitch on a fairly regular basis, and I really don’t give a flying one.
It’s not always easy, but it makes a difference – a number of my friends have said that seeing me be a honey badger and realising that actually, I’m never (OK, rarely!) needlessly mean, I’m just standing up for myself and that if I were a man the behaviour would be totally unremarkable, has inspired them to rethink their passivity and find their own inner honey badger.
Knowing it is spreading like little ripples on a pond makes it easier to keep going, retain my bloody-mindedness and keep calling things out and digging my heels in.
And I want to be viajera when I grow up.