I know we talk a lot about reproductive rights in the feminist movement. I know that it’s one of the cornerstones of freedom for women. We all know the stats and we arm ourselves with as much information as we can about abortion because we know what anti-choicers are liars. We feel confident in this regard. We are confident that someday there will be no stigma with choice and we are confident that we will be able to talk openly without shame.
In fact, I am so confident that I am willing to put it out there. I am 5 and a half weeks pregnant and on Thursday, I find out if I am a candidate for a medical abortion.
There’s a few things you might not know about Canada. One of them being that RU-486 is not available. Medical abortions, as opposed to surgical, are done with a combination of methotrexate to stop fetal growth and misoprostol to dilate the cervix and contract the uterus. These are only available on a limited basis depending on doctor availability and to be done before 7 weeks. The other option I am facing is a manual vacuum aspiration, since I do not want a D&C. Lucky for me, these options are covered and I will suffer no out of pocket cost.
Why am I sharing? Well, simple really. I am hoping to demystify the process and clear up a few myths. In fact, here are some that I wish to clear up right now!
1. Women who have abortions are irresponsible sluts who just want to keep partying/living carefree lives.
Well, most women who have abortions already have 1 or more children and were on some type of birth control. I myself have 2 children and was being ridiculously careful. As most people who have read my shit know, I do not live a carefree life.
2. Abortion is avoiding responsibility.
3. Abortion is this devastating, hard thing that will ruin your life
This is also a gross myth. Most women report a sense of relief, and sites like I’m Not Sorry and 45 Million Voices do a good job of illustrating that women don’t need to be protected in such a patronizing manner. Ditto on it being such a hard decision. For me it’s a no brainer. In one corner we have a fetus, in the other we have my job, my husband, my kids, the roof over our heads, the bills, food, etc. Yeah, no brainer there. Besides, a simple google search will tell you that there are many forums and places where women discuss how much they hate being mothers and regret ever giving birth. Should we ban childbirth because women regret it? Of course not, but since it’s not actually about life and precious babies people would rather women be punished with kids they don’t want or can’t afford.
4. It can feel it, y’know.
Not according to the latest studies. By the time it can feel pain, you’re getting into the late term abortion debate, and that’s a whole other animal. This one is the new “it has fingernails”.
5. Look at these pics of what your abortion looks like, you can see all the parts and stuff!
This one is the one I am most looking forward to busting. If I am successful at getting a medical abortion, I will have all the fetal tissue pass at home, where I can look at it. Believe me, I already know those pics are full of shit based on size alone, but when this happens, I will be the first to tell you exactly what an early term abortion looks like. I’m tempted to take a picture too, but that might be just a little too much info.
I am at total peace with my decision, and will be blogging the experience. I used to think it was a gross TMI to be doing such a thing, but the tables have turned quite a bit. If I am going to talk the talk about the need to remove abortion stigma, I’m going to need to walk the walk. It was an easy enough decision and I might as well make it somewhat educational. That’s not to say that I’m not shit scared of certain aspects of making this public. Not so much the trolls, because they can go fuck themselves and have all the babies they want, but it will be interesting to see how it affects my personal life.
So…..here goes….and I hope you’ll join me for the ride. In the meantime, please enjoy some light reading.
Sorry about the formatting guys, I’ve tried to fix it twice already.
MA – thanks for walking the walk.. I hope everything goes as smooth as it can for you, and is without complication.
I see this post about engaging in a discussion about trusting women to make the right decision for themselves and their family about family (and social, and economic) planning issues.
I find I get my angry and frustration on when I see anti-abortion protesters (often it’s one with a giant sign of near full term foetus) outside of clinics that often provide a full suite of family planning services..
More often than not I wind up saying something like “I trust women to make decisions in their and their families best interests. And it’s not for you and your god to judge”. (and yes sometimes it gets into a biblical discussion, so then I get my theological hat on and go to town reciting particular versus.)
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, there are sites where one can read other positive abortion stories and that demystify abortion, but you have to go looking for those. Having a personal experience with abortion brought up alongside other conversations goes a long way, I think, towards increasing its visibility as a legitimate decision that people make and then get on with their lives.
Hey, MA, hope all goes smoothly with the doctor’s visits, etc. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Even though it sounds like you’ve made most of your big decisions already, any interaction with the medical system has its ups and downs (so glad you hear you’re care is being covered! yay for good health insurance!). So i’ll think good thoughts your way for no unexpected glitches.
I like that you tell this story in the midst of all the other discussion that happens on this site. Like Nadia says, there are places that are specifically for talking about abortion – and those sites are incredible valuable – but I love that you’ve chosen NOT to move this story to some other place. This is your place, your story.
I hope everything goes without complication for you.
Oh geez, MA, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Not saying that because it’s bad or wrong or you’re torturing yourself but simply because any medical procedure and go-rounds with the Medical Industrial Complex automatically sucks and is stressful enough without knowing that there are eleventy thousand people out there being assholes about it.
Since I believe that there’s no such thing as TMI when it comes to women’s health issues, I think you’re doing a real service by telling your truth and it will probably be useful/helpful to a lot of women you will never meet. It’s in the best tradition of the feminist internets!
(Y’all may not know it, but I have seen how MA routinely gets into epic flame wars with anti-choice assholes on FB and she is one fierce honey badger of a pro-choicer, lemme tell you. She always wins.)
I haz fixed the formatting. HTML is a pain in the ass.
My brain has the dumb this evening, so I will say “What Nadia Said”, since she said it so well.
Best wishes for dealing with medical providers! and posting your story here.
Hey, MA. Thanks for doing this – I agree with everyone else, it’s really valuable to read something like this on a website that is not just dedicated to people telling their abortion stories.
Good luck.
FYI, the formatting showed up fine in my google reader for whatever reason.
MA, I agree with Becky — sorry that you have to go through the stress. But I honestly think that your choice is a testament to how good and caring a mother* you are, because you’re doing what’s best for your children, and anyone who says different can go fuck themselves in the ass with a rusty grapefruit spoon, I am so serious.
(*Also person in general and partner, but in my experience it’s the motherhood insults that get thrown at the clinic the most.)
I know it’s a repeat of what Becky said but really Marie Anelle, the fact that you are putting this out there in real time is so great. You are really performing a service to humanity.
MA,please know that you have the virtual presence of a clinic escort at your side throughout. Your choice is yours, and it’s a valid one that deserves respect. Only you know what’s best for you. I trust women, and I support you. And I cannot praise you enough for your courage in being public with this. Your actions here help every woman who has to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. Abortion is health care. Abortion is a moral act.
MA, I think you’re super brave to be putting this out on the internet, and I’m proud of you.
I had a fetus “die” at 7 weeks, and miscarried it later. It was painful, but not unbearably. And I assure you, the results looked like blood clots. There were absolutely no visible baby parts.
I hope you’re a candidate for the less invasive procedure, and I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery.
MA, I cannot thank you enough for putting this out there and risking the hellfire of trolldom and psychos. Experiences like this that are valid for an enormous percentage of the population shouldn’t be hidden or treated as something shameful. I appreciate how straightforward and honest you are approaching this subject. Good luck with your doctor visit and my thoughts are with you!
Thanks for the well wishes guys!
I am extremely lucky to live where I live, because encounters with doctors tend to go fairly smooth in these parts. The doctor I’m going to and the place she works out of is notoriously pro-choice and everyone I’ve dealt with thus far has been understanding.
I even broke it to my boss this morning (because of the nature of a medical abortion, I’ll be taking a LOT of time off) and while I had a moment of breaking down because I felt like I was disappointing everyone by taking time off, she was nothing but supportive. So far it’s been a smooth ride and I can’t wait until Thursday.
Much love to you and your family, Marie Anelle! Good luck and hope everything goes well.
MA – I just want to echo everyone’s support. I’m very glad to hear that you have such an understanding and supportive environment, including your boss. Here’s sending positive vibes that the whole process will go smoothly. And thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU for speaking up about this. It means a *lot*.
Thank for writing this.
MA – thank you so much for writing this. My thoughts are with you.
It always makes me angry when anti-abortionists claim that women should just be more careful and “responsible.” Grrr! Tell that to my friend who was drugged, raped and impregnated, or to other friends who (like you) were using birth control correctly when it failed, or to my stepmother whose son was an IUD baby (thank heaven he’s okay). Anyway.
Good luck, and we are here to support you from afar. Thank you for helping to tear open the silence.
I am behind you all the way and I really admire you walking the walk.
Thank you, MA, for putting this out there for everyone to kind of share in. It’s a pretty personal decision and in the world we live in, can be intimidating to share. Thank you for ignoring that intimidation.
Good luck! I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
I really love that you are doing this and I think you SHOULD take a picture because I just got into a HUGE facebook debate (where I was attacked for my pro-choice views)regarding the misrepresentation of abortion from an inaccurate picture that was circulating the site. They were showing exactly what you described; body parts and limbs being removed from the womb for a 5+month developed fetus (which usually by then most woman have already made their choice). I am constantly defending myself publicly on my pro-choice opinion and you perfectly laid out all of the reasons why having choice is so important. I support you wholeheartedly and wish you the best with this. I advocate for women and choice because I know that if I was ever personally faced with this decision I would want to exercise my right to choice, while knowing I had support to rely on.
I had a second trimester abortion at 13 weeks when I was 22, 5 days before my 23rd birthday. I was a single mom, on welfare and working full time, and my son was a two year old nightmare. I had enough of a time not beating him; had I had that baby, neither of them would have survived.
Now I’m 41, and I have 4 kids, two of whom are grown, and one of whom (the one I already had when I had the abortion) is a father now. My best friend is anti-choice, and it gets hard sometimes no to get into it with her on this subject, but we have declared it off-limits in order to keep our friendship.
For awhile I regretted the abortion, but I think that was out of some sense of obligation. You aren’t “supposed” to have an abortion, and if you do, you aren’t supposed to be okay about it.
Now I’m okay about it, and if my now 9 year-old daughter or any of my sons’ girlfriends ever decide to do it, I’ll support them 100%.
You won’t post pics? Really? I wonder why? And where are the links to these “latest studies” you mentioned?
PS – I am NOT religious in any way. I think those nutty f*ckers damage the pro-life movement.
Jen, I provided a link at the bottom of the page. When you click on some light reading, it’ll bring you to an abortion fact sheet. You can then search that website I linked or google to find some others that have been reported on reputable sites.
It’s not that I WON’T post pics. I really, really wanted to. I almost wanted to shove those pics in anti-choice faces more than anything because I’m sick of the ridiculousness of “here’s a fetus aborted at 6 weeks superimposed near an object that’s actually bigger than a fetus at that gestational age!!” pics. I just simply can’t find my camera. I know that takes the drama out of it, but it is what it is.
[...] week at the Pursuit of Harpyness, Marie Anelle live-blogged her experience having a medical [...]
Marie Anelle, it’s not that I have any desire to see pics, it’s just that if you seek to disprove the photos the pro-life movement uses then you should definitely post some of your own. Cell phones have cameras, iPods have cameras, friends have cameras.
I used to work for a lady that had been the head nurse at a hospital in the city we live in. She was 110% pro-choice and still is. I used to debate the abortion issue with her for hours, but all she did was laugh. She wasn’t laughing at me or my beliefs, she was laughing because she thought the idea of a “useless little bastard” winding up in the garbage was funny (pro-choice or not, she was NOT a nice person in general!). She thought the little arms and legs were funny. She giggled telling stories of counting little ribs and arms…she didn’t deny any of the photos used by the pro-lifers were inaccurate. She confirmed they were very accurate, but she also was still pro-choice.
I’ve seen medical videos – unbiased ones. Educating myself thoroughly on the topic MADE me pro-life. Correction – I am pro-INNOCENT life. As I mentioned in my earlier post, religion has nothing to do with why I feel this way. I would define myself as spiritual, but do NOT subscribe to ANY of the bible-thumping BS that many pro-lifers do. I’ve seen abortions done at all stages and by all methods and it is horrific. Torn up body parts and crushed skulls…how can we think that is okay? I really don’t understand it. Many respond with an argument about women’s rights. I don’t get why the rights (obviously not legal rights anymore) of all the aborted female children aren’t considered.
What great suggestions Jen! I would have never thought of those on my own!!
Now ask me if I even have a cell phone, how old my iPod is, and how comfortable my friends would be taking pictures of my clots? Because newsflash, that’s what the average abortion looks like.
Though it’s really cute that you tried to use an emotional appeal based on gender. Do me a favour and find any other instance where another person was allowed to use another’s body without their consent, even if it meant saving their life. Not a single person has that right and I don’t get why you seem to think a fetus is superior….especially one that you would not give a real crap about.
Maybe spend more time having your own babies instead of lecturing on the evils of not having mine.
Okay, Jen, I’m going to have to jump in here and call some serious bullshit on your comment.
I’ve seen abortions done at all stages and by all methods and it is horrific. Torn up body parts and crushed skulls…how can we think that is okay.
If you’re so truly knowledgeable about pregnancy and abortion, then you know that aborting at 7 weeks the way Marie Anelle did absolutely will NOT involve any torn-up limbs or crushed skulls. That’s Biology 101.
Given that, your bringing up the skulls and the limbs—O the horror!—is just more of the usual unscientific anti-abortion propaganda…exactly what Marie Anelle was calling bullshit on in the first place. Thanks for doubling down and proving her right by trotting it out again. Y’all really need to come up with some new arguments. And your insistence about how you won’t believe what she says unless you can see photos of her expelled blood clots…you should knock that off simply because that kind of panty-sniffing makes you look perverse.
Moving on to your comments about the nurse you used to work with…my guess is she was winding you up. Likely because you were being a sanctimonious twit to her the way you are to Marie Anelle. Lord knows, I’d have been tempted to troll you that way, if you were up in my face with these nonsensical arguments.
Many respond with an argument about women’s rights. I don’t get why the rights (obviously not legal rights anymore) of all the aborted female children aren’t considered.
Aborted fetuses aren’t women—or even people—so they don’t have rights. So take your pandering appeal about women’s rights and stuff it. It doesn’t apply here.
Wow. You all sure get wound up when cornered. Why so defensive? I am calm and respectful (gag) and you just go off! Must be tough to want to fight to the death (literally) about something you KNOW you’re wrong about. Just admit it. It’s a selfish control issue. MEMEME!
Never did hear your “parts’ report, Marie. Hope you enjoyed picking through you’re child’s remains. Of course, if you weren’t too much of a coward to actually follow through.
LOL @ Jen. Typical female misogynist…can dish it but can’t take it. When faced with actual science and a woman who’s not intimidated by her hostile bullshit, she just rolls up into a whiny ball and complains that people are being mean to her, and it”s everyone else’s fault for not understanding her “facts.”
Aren’t all positive rights issues about control in some sense? EG when I turned 18 I gained the positive right to vote, which meant that the state stopped controlling my vote (which it had previously declared to be a null set) and instead I started controlling it — whether it was cast and also for whom. The right to free speech means that you get to control what you say, to whom, when, where, and so forth. I’m not sure why you say this as if it’s a bad thing, Jen. Self-determination, or the ability to exercise control over one’s own life, is one of the founding principles of this country.
Jen, maybe before you try to get up on some condescending anti-choice warrior high horse, you should read my other posts….that have been up for a couple of weeks now.
Just saying.