From Harpyness commenter Mackey:
Sociological Images recently had a small segment about the importance of friendships called “Do Friends Matter? A Feminist Defense of Friendship“, I found myself nodding my head a lot as I read it.
The gist of the talk was that within the mainstream American culture, heterosexual kinship and pair bonds are viewed as the “Best EVA” bond to have—hence American society’s strong focus on forming heterosexual relationships and giving primacy to heterosexual pairings; often to the detriment of maintaining friendships outside of the heterosexual pairing. This also creates a misguided idea that friendships between men and women aren’t possible because of the ever-present potential for “sexual chemistry” and pairing. Unfortunately, this also means that friendships between women are often depicted as competitive, undermining, and often involving jealousy and envy, usually over men. And if someone’s gender presentation does not fit within the traditional male-female dichotomy…well, these friendships are practically invisible and not depicted in the mainstream media.
Yet I think friendships are very important, whether they occur face to face, or like the ones that I have made here on Harpyness. I came late to having fabulous friends, especially of the female variety, ones that help share the great things that happen (successes, birthdays) as well as the not so good things that happen. I really cherish these friendships, and see them as part of my family.
The Sociological Images talk also covered some of the positive health effects of friendships that we might not get from a heterosexual pairing. I found resonance with this, especially as a person currently in a heterosexual pairing: MrMackey is not able to fulfill all my needs, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect this. I NEED MY FRIENDS.
So Harpies, what’s your take on friendship? Is it a feminist act? If so, how does friendship become a feminist act?
I second the importance of friendship networks as part of our “chosen family.” I’ve never had a lot of friends, but always a handful of very important people in my life, who’ve seen me through a lot of emotional growth and hard times. Over the past couple of years, as Hanna and I have been wrestling with her depression and trying to establish a life here in the Boston area, our small cadre of friendships — local and far-flung — have been vital to our continued survival and well-being.
I think that, hetero- or homo-, there’s a lot of pressure in our culture to lean on one’s partner for EVERYthing, or to feel they are always the preferred person for social/emotional needs. Given that H. and I are a monogamous dyad, there are certain things we look to each other for that we’re not going to get elsewhere. But I find having friends whom I do specific things with can siphon off some of my energy for stuff Hanna doesn’t enjoy as much … and conversely, that some of our friends serve as a bridge bringing H. and I closer together over topics or activities one or the other might not be so into, but the third person can act as a translator of sorts and keep us going.
I think female friendships can be incredibly feminist in that they have the potential to help us resist the assumption that all women are rivals first and foremost for male attention. And platonic friendships also help us de-center the primacy of heterosexual pairs as the ultimate social unit. One of my most enduring platonic friendships is with a man, and he’s been there for me emotionally, intellectually, etc., in many of the same ways our culture expects female friends to be.
I don’t think it’s realistic or healthy to expect any one person to be ‘everything’ to another – it’s a hell of a lot of expectation to live up to. I feel that unless you’re fairly comfortable and feel more or less complete in your own skin, you are unlikely to be a good partner or a good friend. If you’re looking to someone else to supply something that can really only be found within yourself, you’re onto a losing proposition from the beginning.
I do agree with annajcook that it’s often expected, but I don’t think it’s particularly realistic.
Unfortunately women’s friendships can be undermining and jealous – I know a few people who will put others down at any opportunity to ‘get ahead’ in the social circle, just like girls did when we were 12! However, given that we’re now in our 30s and 40s, I find it a bit odd and definitely keep a mental note not to give these people ammunition by opening up to them about whatever unhappiness or vulnerability I might have, because I haven’t got the energy for that kind of shit any more.
I do think friendship is a feminist issue, if only as a counter to the ‘women are competitive bitches’ stereotype, as mentioned above. Friendships, at their best, can provide material and emotional support, career advancement, safe spaces for discussion, as well as the opportunity to laugh for hours without fear that someone is suddenly going to make a joke about Rohypnol.
Frankly, I am one of those women who have only male friends. It was not a conscious decision but more of just my interests aligned with far more men than women. So that’s where I’m coming from with this.
To me, male-female friendships can become feminist when the relationship becomes the jumping off point for the male side of it to really think about women’s issues. I have my male friend who said to me one day, “I don’t like sexist jokes anymore.” I asked him why, and he said “well, it’s funnt when you don’t actually think of any particular woman you know as the butt of it. But I always think of you and think, ‘well, it wouldn’t be okay to treat Dale like that, and she’s a woman, so then the joke becomes really unfunny. And I don’t like it anymore.’” And that is awesome.
For me, that is a feminist friendship – when by virtue of the friendship, a man can see his female friend as a sort of reference point for why women’s issues and concerns matter and why he should care.
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten as much love and joy out of a romantic relationship as I have on a daily basis with my friends. Different people fill different needs in our lives. And embracing that fact, in the face of society’s simplistic insistence that one person should be your social and sexual everything, is a bit of feminist nose-thumbing. ^_^
@Drahill: Word.
To me, if a woman’s behavior is characterized by jealousy, envy, competition, and a need to undermine me, she’s a jerk who just happens to be female; she is not my friend. I may have initially mistaken her for one, but I have no problem cutting those women loose with the understanding that a true friend does not act that way. The problem isn’t that some women act badly (we are, after all, only human), it’s the insistence on characterizing those women as “friends” that bothers me.
I am hearting all of these comments so hard. I actually don’t have any points to make that y’all haven’t already made. And Drahill, I think you’re right on about male/female feminist friendships. I like to think that’s happened in my own life. I really hope it has.
My grandmother and grandfather have a best friend, E, that they’ve known for over sixty years now. They lived near each other in the same city for over half a century, seeing each other weekly for dinner or book clubs or long lazy conversations long after their children had all grown up and moved away. They see E less now that they’ve moved into an assisted living community an hour away, but I’ve been told she’s making plans to move into the same community.
I met my best friend the first week of college, about nine years ago. She’s only one of many women (and men) who have lightened and deepened my life, but she’s my favorite, and we’ve gotten through enough together – living far away, living together, fighting, marriage and babies – that I can’t help thinking we might be friends for a half century ourselves.
It’s friends who tuck me in a blanket on their couch when I’ve had too much to drink and can’t walk home, who invite me over to bake cookies when I’m feeling depressed, who chat with me for hours about the minutiae of my obsessions, who read my stories, who teach me how to solder circuits and ride bikes, who laugh at my good jokes and make fun of my bad ones.
If you asked me if I’d rather live the rest of my life with no friends or no romantic partners, I’d choose the latter in a heartbeat. I think I’d be lonely without a lover, especially in this culture, but for me? A life without real true friendship is barely worth living.
<3 harpies..
I stumbled into having mostly female friendships (all women’s college, then MA in women’s studies, now work at a company for female athletes), so this really resonated with me. My male partner is teh awesome, but I would be heartbroken without some of my really good friends or my sister (also one of my best friends). So yes, I wholeheartedly support the “I NEED MY FRIENDS” mentality.
I’m often very sad for my partner, actually, because he doesn’t have close friends (male or female) that he shares everything with and misses constantly. He doesn’t mind so much, but acknowledges that both the absence of the desire and the absence of such friendships is the result of gender socialization. Guys just don’t usually have the same type of friendships–and especially not with other guys. This is a loss for everyone, I think.
@ArisEile, MrMackey also doesn’t seem to have close guy friends with which to share the sorts of things that I share with my friends (of all gender presentations).
He is also can be very shy, so I’m sure mixed with the gender socialisation and being reserved is a double hurdle.