In thinking through the proposition, I think the best bit about feminism and making my love life better – was that it absolutely gave me to the tools to understand that shame/guilt/fear about sexuality was almost always about power dynamics. Once I understood this, I felt freer to work out what I liked, what I didn’t, and how to have relationships (platonic, short-term intimate, and long-term intimate) that worked for me, and the other person/people involved.

It also meant that prescribed binarous gender norm of being “female”, that I do not fit well in, was not the focus. Instead I am a person with particular characteristics and tastes. And importantly that my health and safety matter!

I wish I could say that I have always used my feminist compass in working out my love life – there have been some fails! But I have found that my current relationship (even though on the outside may look somewhat heteronormative) is based on the principles of feminism, and it’s a fulfilling relationship. Also without all that nasty gender essentialism, we have a whole lot more fun (nudge nudge wink wink!).

I’ve always taken ownership of my sexuality. I’ve always denied the idea of transactional sex. I’ve never had shame or angst about my body, so never had to overcome any of this stuff. (Just taking random examples from the comments above.)

So really, it’s helped to define what my love life was going to be from the start, by helping to shape my formative-years opinions of myself as a person and as a woman, and how I relate to my sexuality and my partners. There’s not really an element of ‘making it better’ because there’s nothing to compare it to – feminism has made my love life, and my life in general, what it is altogether.

I also think the ‘dating’ world is quite different in the UK to how itis in the US. I’ve never really ‘dated’ and the thought fills me with horror! The three serious relationships I’ve had have grown out of friendship and/or casual sex. The partner I was with for 10 years was supposed to be a one-night stand!

…in marked contrast to the standard narrative about feminists…

I think that “narrative about” is the key there, Molly … my parents’ story is much the same, in that from the outside it looks super “traditional” with my mother the full-time parent and my father the wage-earner, etc., but inside it was a radical training ground for me as a girlchild — not because I aspired to be unlike my mother, but because both of my parents just didn’t give much of a damn about oppositional gender roles or mainstream cultural narratives about gender, sexuality, and families.

I think assuming all feminists are going to look “non-traditional” confuses form with function

Feminism has improved my love life (and I mean that in both the euphemistic-I-really-mean-sex sense and also in the straight-up ‘love’ sense) by helping me dramatically change my relationship with my body and my own past for the better. It–and the communities I’ve found through it–have given me ways to love my body, conceptualize it as something I can do neat stuff with rather than something primarily required to be pretty for others, ditch a whole lot of shame and angst, and feel strong. It’s also helped me find a vocabulary for articulating many important experiences both to myself and to my partner. So, um, it totally rocks.

I loathed dating, though. Ugh. I think I would have done rather better at it if more of my dating had occurred *after* I radicalized as a feminist. But alas, in marked contrast to the standard narrative about feminists, my (very positive) experiences of a super-traditional-looking lady-gent marriage and pregnancy/birth/parenting are what led me to a stronger commitment to feminism.

Feminism taught me that it was okay for a woman to ask a man for a date. (I did, it was no big deal) Feminism taught me that we could define for ourselves what “date” meant – what to do, who pays, and so on – and that both parties on the date were equal partners. Feminism taught me to enforce my boundaries and respect myself. Feminism taught me that if I was not compatible with a certain man then the solution was not to change myself but to change the man.

Finally, feminism taught me that I didn’t have to date at all because my self worth was not dependent on having a boyfriend or husband.

Perhaps these are not very profound lessons for anyone these days but back in the 1970s/1980s they were important for me.