I can’t even … I find that to be on the extreme end of the “stick it out rather than negotiate new housework agreements” spectrum. It’s a really unforgivable gaslighting of unhealthy situations that women (especially) are already primed to ignore or feel responsible for in heterosexual partnerships.

@Tall-in-Heels … I tried not to get overly-personal in my review of Krasnow’s arguments, but since she holds her own marriage up for examination in the book itself, it seems pretty fair game. And yes, I’d agree with you that the work feels like a book-length justification of her life choices, which she appears to be still actively conflicted about.

From how you described the anecdotes about the author’s own marriage, it sort of sounds like the book was, at least in part, an attempt to validate her own choices and life path?

Trouble is, people in outright abusive marriages usually fail to identify them as such, especially when relationships are framed as *either* wonderful, reasons-for-living or else completely hellish without a moment’s respite.

All these cultural messages – the reason you’re unhappy is you, not him, you have to change/ make allowances/ negotiate/ make yourself attractive and loveable – are a huge part of why I stayed with my ex so long, even with the violence. Because I felt that it was somehow my role, and within my power, to fix it.

And although I daresay Krasnow would give me a pass because there was physical violence, that was just the extreme end of a whole host of behaviours which everyone should regard as utterly intolerable. And that’s before we get into the fact that some relationships between good and caring people simply run their course…

This book makes me think of Forty Beads, which is not a compliment.

I’m so glad you read and reported back on the book. Another one I can put in to the “read for me – anger causing” pile.

Judging from your review seems my first impression wasn’t too far off the mark. A non-paranormalish Twilight for the 35+ market. Both women seem to be preaching the same thing. Even if he’s a monster, even if he’s psychologically abusive and manipulative, it’s totes okay cause you’re a girl and girls have to be married IT’S THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS… Blergh!
Thank you for reading this so I can now happily avoid it.

(*With the exception of classics, though I seek out the normal covers for any I don’t already own or am replacing due to decay)

I agree so whole-heartedly about this aspect of her story. This sort of negotiation is the stuff of living together. I mean, hell, my parter and I do it even though we’re both women and don’t have children. Not everyone has the same house-keeping expectations or awareness of what must be done, or what their partner would like to be done, at home. It takes communication and compromise.

I kept waiting for Krasnow to talk about that, and instead she rendered it completely invisible. The message to women was to just keep your mouth shut and your head down and it would get better when the kids were grown up.

I’m like o_O??!?!

You know what I do when I get frustrated that my husband isn’t helping more? I tell him he needs to help more. We have a three month old and a 2.75 year old and with a new baby I just can’t everything done the way I used to. I would prefer that it didn’t require a request from me but until he’s used to the “new normal” that’s what it takes.