There. I said it.
In the latest faux outrage that has recently swept the nation, a simple and true statement was used by the Conservatives to further stoke the Mommy Wars and throw yet another woman under the bus. For the many times that Repubs piss and moan about liberal selective hearing, I find it highly amusing that they did the same thing here. It stopped being amusing when everyone bought it. Let’s take a deeper look at the context and what is really meant, shall we?
First off, the cherry picked sentence was in response to Mittens Romney saying that he likes to listen to his wife when it comes to women and the economy. Hillary Rosen was bang on when she said that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life. Ann Romney does not know what it’s like to be the breadwinner. Ann Romney does not understand the work/life struggle. Ann Romney does not get HAVING to work because of the economy or other circumstances. Ann Romney has no fucking clue and that is just plain TRUTH. When we say she has never worked a day in her life, we are specifically using the context that she has never worked for pay. Not only that, but she’s married to a millionare, gets to enjoy the benefits of hired help, and seems to have the money for horses. To say that she does not get it would be an understatement. She gets the struggle of the working class about as well as an MRA activists gets rape culture (hi guys!).
Second, no one is saying that parenting is not hard work. It’s a teeth pulling experience that is full of highs and lows, and because you’re emotionally invested it’s fucking exhausting. I have taken a couple of years off work after my kids and yes, I get it. Hell, you don’t even get to really see your work pay off until your kids are well into adulthood, because you never know when they’ll turn into little assholes or if they’ll be cool people. You’re in control of these little people, you have to turn them info functioning members of society, and EVERYONE gets to judge you on it all the time. People can be cruel to mothers especially if their kids are not spotless paragons of virtue because god forbid your children ruin their dinner just by being present (that’s a post for another day). It’s thankless and I don’t blame any woman who feels slighted at being written off just because she’s raising her kids. It can also be intensely rewarding when the cool moments do happen. Seeing your kid walk for the first time, their first articulate sentence, that last diaper, having them show their manners and turning out to be good little people are all worthy of a hearty “fuck yeah”. Kids don’t raise themselves, so feel free to be proud of your work. It IS work in terms of the banal definition of “work”, and it doesn’t make a parent any less valuable, smart, or capable if they are staying home with the kids. It’s not something that is worthy of derision.
HOWEVER…..however…..this issue wasn’t even about stay at home parents. Republican men especially do not give a shit about women and their roles and have never given a shit about making motherhood easier on women. Mat leave is almost non-existant, they want to make it hard to manage fertility, they’ll cut the shit out of programs for women and children and sacrifice it all on the altar of corporate tax breaks. Motherhood doesn’t make them rich. They used the common outrage felt by degraded mothers to score some points and yet again throw a woman under the bus. They used one phrase out of a particular discussion to divide women. Knowing full well that these people don’t truly respect women’s choices, they basically used that to rally women against women. Oh man, ladies, they want our votes so bad that they will feed us our own. Someone hurt the precious fee-fees of a privileged rich woman? LET’S TAKE IT AND RUN! Instant outrage, now in a new “let’s stoke the mommy war fire” formula!
Third, let’s not pretend that this outrage would extend to stay at home women of colour, women who are in the “poor” class, trans women, immigrants, or any combination of those. They’ve been pretty clear that those women are “abominations” and “welfare queens”. Pretty white cis women only, please and thanks! My husband will also probably not get any outrage on his behalf because as a disabled male, well….he’s just “not a real man”, AMIRITE??
Fourth, to those who felt slighted by the comment…..why the fuck did you fall for it? Ann Romney does not even represent the average stay at home parent. I’m sure it’s just sooooooo hard to live with the mansions, the horses, and the ability to obtain help without a care of the cost. Oh yeah, the lady in the ivory tower can TOTALLY speak for us, never mind that most parents who stay at home are not the white, upper middle class ladies that Repubs care about. She’s been privileged enough that her husband can afford for her to stay at home while he furthers his career….with the added hilarity that his policies are NOT women or family friendly! Oh, but she can speak for you still! Staying at home or working is not even a choice a lot of the time, how on earth could she possibly relate to that? But here I am, falling into the trap that it truly is about stay at home moms to begin with. IT WASN’T.
That’s why I just don’t get it and stand by the fact that Ann Romney has no clue what she’s talking about. When she actively campaign on her husband’s behalf under the guise of “getting women” that she could barely relate to on a cellular level, she is opening herself up to these very valid criticisms. She has zero authority when it comes to what women are facing economically. She will in all likelihood never know what it’s like to put in a 12 day just so that your overtime pay (if you even get overtime pay) will pay for school clothes. She will never have to leapfrog her bills because she doesn’t make enough to cover the cost of living and make sure the kids have what they need. She doesn’t have to do the shift juggle so that child care isn’t more than she can afford. She will probably never cry herself to sleep at night because her job is unstable, or can barely afford necessities, or is worried about the life she set up for her children. She. Does. Not. Get. It. She and the Republicans do not get it to the point that they felt the need to use stay at home moms to divide across party lines….AND IT FUCKING WORKED.
Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life, and no amount of a privileged woman’s tears and fake moral outrage will ever make that statement false.
I feel like we women fell into the trap the right set for us-yet again. This argument about whether parenting is work is a question based on an incorrect premise, i.e., that work is only work if it’s paid. And that premise comes from our male-dominated, capitalist culture, which measures everything by its monetary value. It’s time we women stopped playing. Work is work, whether you do it for money or not, whether you do it at home or in an office, whether you do it voluntarily or not.
I don’t disrepect Ann Romney because she doesn’t work for pay or because she’s married to a millionaire. I disrespect her because she has chosen to insulate herself in her privilege, and that to me shows contempt for most of humanity. You can be rich and still be socially aware and responsible. You can do valuable work without collecting a paycheck for it. The problem with Ms Romney is that she has no interest in or concern with those who don’t enjoy her kind of life, and her non-paid work on behalf of her husband means that she’s working directly against the interests of most women and families. And I don’t respect anyone who spends their time and resources working against women and families.
I agree, Mischief. Also, thanks for addressing this Marie – you are very correct in calling it what it is: fodder to confuse the masses and blur the real issues at hand. I’ve been hearing a lot about how the the war on women is fake. Yeah, THIS is a stupid thing to argue about… but nothing is fake, here, guys.
I believe that, ultimately, that was a trap, and Ann Romney fell for it. Her response on Fox News was just the kind of ammunition that her husband didn’t need her handing to President Obama:
“We should respect all the choices women make.”
So, Ann Romney just stuck a knife in her husband’s back, because he just got through claiming he listens to his wife, and his wife is saying he should respect all women’s choices. Like choosing to work and be paid the same as as men for it. Like choosing to use birth control. Like choosing whether or not to marry. Like choosing to have an abortion.
I think, in the end, the Romney’s are doomed, simply because they are so far out of touch with reality and each other. I don’t think Ann Romney can stick to the script now. No matter what she says to support her husband, where that support goes against the rights of women, this quote will rear its ugly head. Where Mitt mentions things that go against the rights of women, this will rear its ugly head. They are so clueless, they don’t realize that they are standing in quicksand of their own making, and no one in the Republican Party is going to throw them a rope.
Tell it, NN!
Thank you Marie for finally telling it as it is! I am a physician in my early 30s who is expecting my first child. I have a high 6 figure student loan to pay off and although my husband works (middle school teacher) being able to be a full time SAHM is not an option for us. I have a legion of patients who will be waiting for me to come back from my 5 week maternity leave. I have invested my entire life in my career and taking care of patients. However I am heartbroken that I won’t be able to spend my time exclusively with my baby the first few years of life. Luckily my family will be there to help with the baby but I know many don’t even have this option. Does the right wing think we love leaving our babies behind? No it’s heartbreaking for all of us. But don’t offend us by saying Ann Romney understands what we go through. She would not know how it is to work 10 hrs/day missing your baby, using your lunch or bathroom break to pump breast milk, come home and take care of the cooking/laundry, and spend time with the precious baby and stay up with it all night (along with answering the pager) then go back to work the following day with tears in the eyes b/c you are leaving behind your precious child in order to make a living. Ann Romney speaking or representing all moms is downright offensive… I guarantee you that if it was Michelle Obama in the same situation the right wing would be downright nasty. They should be ashamed of themselves.
I am so sick of this conversation and the way it has been twisted. Romney was not hope alone struggling to raise her children she had SERVANTS. That makes being a stay at home mom incredibly different. It’s all a crock of shit. Hearing these Republicans use this line of defense when they are more than happy to support things like workfare which drives stay at home moms to work just makes my head ache. They only support a certain kind of stay at home motherhood. You had better be rich, White, straight and cis gendered if not, you are a drain on society.
The other thing that bothers me is that the right wing is implying that you are actually not a good mother if you DON’T stay at home and raise kids. Like I said – I would love to be a SAHM but for many of us this is not even an option. However, at the same time, even if I was able to be a SAHM it can be scary for a woman to be 100% economically dependent on her husband. What if god forbid something happens to the marriage or worse if he gets sick/diabled/died? The mother is then left on her own to support her kids (without Ann Romney’s bank account)….therefore it is imperative that all women have some skills that they can use outside the home if for some horrible reason they suddenly find themselves as single mothers who need to support their family…Just something to think about
Also, I hope this is not too off-topic, but I really loathe the subtle message the right seem to be saying about mothers who choose to in a profession they personally desire and not just to put food on the table.
They seem to be saying that those mothers are “less than” Stay-at-home moms, or is that just me?
It’s depressing to think that just because you’re married and had children, 100% of your identity is now for your husband and kids.