our wedding bands, made by Tere Reyes @ Etsy
Tonight, Hanna and I are getting out (pre) wedding photos taken by a colleague of mine who does free-lance photography on the side. Hanna doesn’t want photographs taken at the wedding, since having her picture taken makes her uncomfortable, and I’m 100% behind this decision. Instead, we’ve decided to have some pictures made of our hands, together, wearing our custom-made wedding rings, out along the Charles River Esplanade.
Charles River and the Boston skyline
In honor of the day, I thought I’d make a list of ten everyday things I like about Hanna, and the way our lives fit together. And then I thought, why not make it a celebration of our friends, partners, and relations more generally: pick a person (doesn’t have to be a significant other) and share up to ten everyday things that you like about them, and your life with them, in comments.
See my list below the fold.
1. We have a similar taste in clothes. Comfort comes first, and we share a similar palette of colors. That, along with the fact that we’re roughly the same shape and size, mean that we can share a majority of clothes: instant doubling of wardrobe, with no additional closet space needed!
2. We’re both public broadcasting babies. Our childhood media memories involve “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood,” “A Prairie Home Companion,” “Car Talk,” and Masterpiece Theatre programming. We have conversations in which we wax nostalgic about past hosts of “Weekend Edition” and miss the re-runs of “The Music Man” they used to show during pledge breaks in the Eighties.
3. We’re both young fogies. We go to bed at 9pm with cups of tea more nights than not, and our idea of weekend entertaining involves having friends over to watch Tales of the City (see #2). We complain about how loud restaurants are, and
4. We walk to work together most mornings. And walk home together when we can. And both prioritize being together. It’s not like I think that’s the only way to be in a healthy relationship — for some couples, more alone time is key! — but I like our mutual intensity, I’m glad that together-time doesn’t feel smothering for either of us, and that we both grew up in households where we learned how to do our own things side-by-side in companionable togetherness.
5. We agree that “walking coffee” is important. We like food, but neither of us are really “foodies.” We’ve found an easy balance between cooking in and dining out (more often takeaway – thank you Foodler!) and pauses on our walks to and from work for coffee or iced tea. For a household of two women, I’m proud every day for the way we manage not to turn food into a marker of moral worth. Most of the time, our home is a judgment-free zone for food choices and a place where body hate is not encouraged. Having a partner who works with me on this, rather than buying into cultural obsessiveness, is golden.
6. We share unironic enthusiasm for things. (see also: Fandom and John Green) I’m into irony as much as the next cynical thirtysomething. Irony is a useful and enjoyable tool. But ironic distance from life is not something I could live with day in and day out, so I’m really glad I go home at the end of the day with someone who isn’t ashamed of curling up on the couch and watching the Clangers.
7. Sometimes, we have different tastes. While being unable to assume common knowledge in certain area (vintage science fiction films; feminist politics), I’m actually grateful that Hanna and I have separate-yet-overlapping worlds of intellectual expertise and fandom. It means exponential expansion of the creative work, ideas, experience, etc., I’m exposed to — kind of like sharing a wardrobe, only even better! And it’s actually kind of restful (and keeps me honest) to go home at the end of the day to someone whose not thinking in quite the same language as me all the time. I can’t get lazy about articulating why I think the way I think and do what I do.
8. We’re equal-opportunity slobs. Well, perhaps “slob” is harsh. We do the basics. We wipe down the bathroom and keep the litter box fresh and wash the dishes every day (mostly). But we are not centerfolds for Better Homes & Garden’s Housewife of the Month or whateverthefuck award they give out for that shit. Our cleaning products make neither of us orgasmic. And I’m totally down with a partner to whom I can say, “Dishes aren’t happening tonight, just so you know,” and get the response, “Since I’m not in the mood to wash dishes, I can hardly demand that you do so!”
9. Close friends are good, group social events are not-so-good. We both care about being good friends, and close friends, with a select group of people outside of our family/household. But at the same time, we get twitchy around crowds. Or really, any group of people too large to meaningfully track the emotional weather of all present. Rooms with more than three-to-five people I’m meant to interact with make me almost immediately strung-out and ready to go home. Happily, Hanna’s the same way so we don’t have to argue over what sort of socializing we’re going to do on the weekends. A couple of friends at the coffee shop and we’re good to go!
10. Cuddles! I think I’ve said this before, but I’ve always been an intensely tactile person. So it’s really very convenient that my partner is also someone who gets a lot out of cuddling and snuggling. And who isn’t afraid to say when she wants or needs physical contact. One of the hardest things for me, when I was single, is that our culture has very few spaces in which adults without immediate family relationships (partners, children) can experience skin-to-skin contact. Three years in, I still can’t get over that I can simply reach out and touch when I need or want to, and she’s nearly always there beneath my hands.
Congrats again! I think the prewedding photo thing is an AWESOME idea. And I LOVE those rings!
Ten things I like about my spouse:
1) We have similar ethics. Even small things like stealing pens from work make us extremely uncomfortable. We never go above white lies, like telling someone I can’t make something because I’m not feeling well when really something else is going on.
2) similar taste in furniture / houses / everyday household stuff.
3) similar comfort for messiness, but both have about the same level of “woah, this has become disgusting”.
4) we are the same age and reminisce about the same shows / technology / events.
5) We have always had very different personal interests.
6) We have approx. the same sex drive.
7) Pretty much the same parenting style.
8) We both like to spend time on computers, and along with parenting style, have similar views on how the kids (almost 15 and 11) should spend time / use technology.
9) never expects me to cook if I don’t feel like it (he really can’t cook) but if I do he praises it (and always does the dishes).
10) never questions when I say I’m not feeling up to something because of my autoimmune disease.
I will post a list shortly, but first I want to express my very belated congratulations to both of you, and my heartfelt wishes for a long, healthy, joy-filled life together!
I’m actually looking at my husband right now, so this may be a little vanity-based…
1.) He’s willing to fight me (he trains in martial arts too).
2.) He tolerates my vegetarianism and won’t try to tempt me into a steak.
3.) He stuck with me when I was in law school and wouldn’t hang out with him for days at a time.
4.) He loves the cats as much as I do.
5.) He will tell me when I am being full of shit (this is a bigger deal than it sounds).
6.) He introduced me to Middle Eastern food.
7.) He doesn’t share my particular faith, but he respects it.
8.) He will drop everything if I need him to and just sit with me.
9.) He gets angry on my behalf, even when I’m not.
10.) He helped make a really awesome little kid.
1) his patience
2) his ability to listen
3) his empathy
4) his smarts
5) that we grew up together, almost
6) that he only sorta likes spectator sports
7) that he loves to plan trips, and they always work out well
8) that his taste in music and clothes and food is not too vanilla
9) his body
10) his looks
I have an unbelievably fantastic friend who I have been friends with for about 5 years now.
So I would like the 10 things I like about her and our relationship:
1) she gives unbelievably good hugs, the kind that envelope you and make you feel good again.
2) I have never heard her say “I told you so” or “You should have listened to me”. Instead she recognises that sometimes people take a couple of goes to get things working for them or to make a change. This isn’t to say she won’t ask hard questions or not call you on things – it will not be those 2 phrases and she won’t be patronising.
3) she is generous with her time, smiles, and heart – the things that count.
4) she’s good hearted
5) when we get together there is no body snarking, body policing, food that is good/bad/etc.. we are focussed on hanging out. Besides, she has kick-arse legs!
6) she is full of grace
7) she enjoys helping celebrate the good things that happen in life – graduations, birthdays, finishing a difficult thing
8) she is incredibly creative and has an excellent design eye – whenever I am heading somewhere fancy, she will always help me get my outfit together, down to the small details.
9) she introduces her friends to other friends and helps to make everyone feel included
10) she is not afraid to say “I love you”.
I had to come back to this because I didn’t have the time to reply immediately.
First, Anna — I love the rings you and Hanna chose together. They look lovely, and the concept is so unique. ^^
For my partner…
Respect
We respect each other. My partner doesn’t try to change me or ease me into being less radical or shift my gender identity or police my body. I let him know at the outset of our relationship who I am, and he respects me. And I respect him — I didn’t settle for a “fixer-upper.” I respect him as he is, because of who he is.
Our Relationship with Food
We have enough money right now to invest (that’s how we see it, as an investment) in healthier foods. We try to plan meals that involve fresh ingredients. He does pretty much all the cooking, and he’s wonderful at it. And while he doesn’t have as much of a sweet tooth as I do, he doesn’t turn food into a battle or bat an eye if I decide to buy a bag of candy at the store or drink a soda.
Balance
My partner is very balanced. Sometimes, this can be a little frustrating, as I’m a very impassioned, we-need-to-fix-the-world-right-now kind of person. But my partner takes time to look at everything, to hear different opinions, to weigh the options, and then he expresses his thoughts. He’s also very balanced in the different areas of his life — he puts a lot of effort into his job and he has a wonderful work ethic, but he also knows how to leave work and work and just relax and have fun.
Feminism
My partner holds to many feminist beliefs. I’ll never forget when, on our second date, I asked him for his opinion on abortion. He said something to the effect of, “I don’t really feel it’s for me to say. It’s not my body, so it’s not up to me.” Over the year that we’ve been together, my feminism has rubbed off on him, and I can notice the subtle differences. It’s important (and crucial) to me that he believes in my bodily autonomy, in enthusiastic consent, etc. And, yes, I’ll admit, the other day when he used the word heteronormative for the first time in casual conversation, when describing a YouTube video, I got turned on.
Sexual Chemistry
I’m demisexual (I don’t feel sexual attraction without the presence of an emotional connection), but that doesn’t mean I’ll feel sexual attraction to anyone I’m emotionally close to. With my partner, I have a vibrant sexual attraction that I’ve really never experienced before. I had never known the visceral pull of another person, that feeling like when they walk in the room, you just need to touch them. Now I know. We’re incredibly sexually compatible in so many ways, and even if I want sex more often than he does, and I’ve tired him out, he’s still always willing to “help me out” in various ways.
Our Interests
Like Anna and Hanna, my partner and I have overlapping spheres of interest that provide great opportunities for talking and even for growth. I love seeing him get excited over reading some article online or hearing some song on YouTube. He’s so damn beautiful when his eyes light up like that, plus I love knowing he’s his own, distinct person.
Responsibility
I know these types of things should be a given, but considering the experiences I’ve had, I appreciate these traits all the more. He gets up every week day and goes to work. He acts responsibly at work, does a good job, and brings home a paycheck. He pays his bills. On time. Although neither of us are mop-the-floor-for-fun type people, we both have a similar level of “mess tolerance,” and when things reach it, we both take care of it. If there’s something I was hoping he’d do, I just ask him. I don’t have to nag. He does what he says he’ll do, he seldom forgets, and he does a good job with it.
Introversion
Again like Anna and Hanna, my partner and I are both very introverted. It’s not that I don’t like people, I just like them in ones and twos and with a lot of time in-between to recover. Fortunately, my partner is the same way. We’re perfectly happy spending our evenings at home together. We “recharge” by playing video games on the couch or reading together in bed, which reminds me…
Ways of Being Intimate
We have crafted our own love language, and I’m very happy with it. One of the ways I show him I love him is by reading to him. We’ll cuddle on the couch together and I’ll try to use different voices for different characters, and we’ll experience a novel together. One of the ways he shows me he loves me is by stopping the microwave at 1 second so it doesn’t wake me up in the morning. When I told him I noticed that and appreciated it, he drew a picture of a heart and the word you and taped it under the display, so it reads: “1 <3 you." And we both lock the door when we leave the apartment when the other person is still inside–it's a way we show that we protect one another, and it's a mutual gesture. I love leaving in the morning and unlocking the door to exit, knowing he locked it to keep me safe. And I love locking the door behind me when I go out somewhere to run errands, knowing I'm locking it to keep him safe.
Communication
My partner is open and honest when he communicates with me. I don’t have to guess what he’s thinking or try to read between the lines. If he’s upset, he’ll tell me. If he’s upset but he doesn’t want to talk about it, he’ll tell me he’s upset but he doesn’t want to talk about it. No guessing games. No detective work. And when I communicate with him, he listens. He might not understand why I feel the need to explain some things (especially if it’s an idea he’s already grasped), but he’s willing to listen thoughtfully and lovingly if I need to articulate it for myself. We respect each other enough to do our best to put our thoughts and feelings into words and share those words with each other in helpful, authentic ways.
I really like this activity, Anna. Not only was it fun to read other people’s responses about their relationships, but it helped me put into words why I love my partner so much.