Maybe because I am the oldest daughter (though I have a younger sister), or maybe because it’s my traditional family role as scapegoat/caretaker/shock absorber/black sheep, but my father told me that he expects me to take care of him when he’s older. I’ve even heard some noise from family friends to the effect of, “but how could you move so far away?? How will you TAKE CARE OF YOUR FATHER??”

Considering that his forging my signature on checks with my name for a bank account I never opened (that I accidentally saw at his house before he whisked them out of sight and denied their existence) is one of the more benign things he’s done, and that he feigns helplessness in order to get favors, including financial favors, and actually enjoyed our distress when he covertly limited our access to food when we visited him last, I don’t feel any responsibility towards his upkeep in any way. Do I really have to take care of someone who enjoys trying to starve me just for kicks? (no)

It’s not even enough that the burnout from the drugs and alcohol may turn his feigned helplessness real in the next few years. I would NEVER move closer to him to take care of him, or allow his hoarded filth to enter my house (it’s been hard enough trying to get away from it in the first place, and to understand that it’s not my responsibility, and that I couldn’t make it go away if I tried), or sink any more money or effort into a relationship where only one of us acts like a human and ever has.

I would CERTAINLY never quit my job to take care of him (incidentally, this is what my Borderline/Narcissist mother expected of me when she got cancer my first year out of uni; I was also supposed to move in and somehow pay rent to make up for all the first eighteen or so years that my existence constituted a drain on their finances. I didn’t do it.). Part of my resistance to her then and to him now was for pure survival reasons, and part of it was the feminist idea that maybe I’m more than my ability to sacrifice and caretake. Maybe I’m allowed to put my oxygen mask on FIRST (i.e. keep my job and make sure I can take care of myself, and not derail my survival/healing because of the women’s draft.) Maybe I don’t *have* to keep trying to put it first on someone else who keeps ripping it off and trying to take away mine, at all….

Anyway, feminism helped me reclaim my life in unexpected ways. Feminism taught me that even if you unknowingly spent the first part of your life in thrall to toxic people, you do NOT have to spend the rest of it in thrall to them, even if everyone tells you you do. People don’t necessarily get nicer or less abusive as they age.

I looked after my younger brothers and sisters for much of my life (including financially when I left home), and I am cared out. I was “drafted” to care for them whilst my parents were together, and was listed as a legal guardian after the divorce for them as well.

So when it comes to issues of the care requirements of my parents, I find that I purposely do not engage when it comes to my parents care needs. If I did engage it would mean I would be dragged into the miasma of family politics with all attendant issues – so I stay clear.
I want my parents to be good health wise, and that’s about it.

As for aging, I have found that feminism has given me an enourmous freedom to explore who I am at different ages and periods in my life. Whilst I do have my issues with the patriarchy and how I get around in life, I have found that having a great group of friends who have similar ideas around the patriarchy and gendered norms is a great salve.

I’m still in my earlier twenties, and I haven’t experienced much of aging, but my experiences with my mother make me not want to care about it. It’s not that I don’t notice any physical flaws or ailments (I started getting gray hairs at the age of seventeen, and if I hadn’t noticed them straight away, the relentless teenage teasing would have clued me in, and I’ve had problems with my knees and ankles since around the same time), but there’s a voice in the back of my head that chants, “Don’t worry. Later, you’re going to miss this age and these so-called ‘problems.’” That voice has helped me get over whatever aging issues I’ve had.

Changing the subject over to health care power of attorney: I don’t care what your age is, I highly recommend getting one. And more importantly, I highly recommend assigning someone who is not emotionally close to you. Working in the health care field, I have seen a number of cases where the POA was unable to carry out the patient’s wishes. It’s always difficult to have to make the decisions for a loved one, even if that loved one has already told you what they do and do not want done. When the time comes, the POA may find themselves pressured by other family wishes or overcome with their own emotions.

And it’s not just when someone is in dire medical need, it’s also when they need some more help overall and so that means someone living nearby or with them to get that done. And yes, your sister = my brother, although I also have my own fractious history with my mother that we’ve tried to work on over the years. Difference being, I am more expected to check in on her whether we’re getting along or not, and my brother can limit that to some general-conversation basic phonecalls from far away and maybe a holiday visit. With no societal expectation that he do more. It’s not even expecting someone else to be more involved as a default alternative, it’s more that the caretaking situation being asked about regularly would at least acknowledge the work *itself* being done. Like how a lot of men middle-aged and older still expect if their parents moved in, their wife would be the one looking after her in-laws, even though she’s not related. It’s just assumed.

With my parents, I’ve kept open communication. If my mom needed more care and my siblings closer couldn’t provide it, she could move in with us or we could get her an apt. close by. We get along well enough that we could make it work. My sister would never help, she and my mom have a fractious relationship and she couldn’t handle the stress.

Another thing I’ve noticed about aging is that you become invisible. It’s not a pleasant feeling to be on the street and have people look right through you. I’ve taken to smiling at strangers in defense.

Do you know this song? Mr MM and I hope we never end up in a living situation that doesn’t include people of all ages and types-watching the cycle o9f life is a wonderful thing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfwGkplB_sY

My husband says that the worst thing about aging is that he can’t eat as much as he used to.

As for feminism and caretaking, I see it mostly left up to the women in my family generation after generation, despite the being generations of strong feminists in my family. So you may be in your 20s (or 30s) now, or living across the country, but what do you do if a loved one needs more help than you can give in a visit? What do you do if you have an aging relative, especially a parent, and would like to be around them more and vice versa (have them know their grandkids well, and so on)? The USA is a very large country with crap health and social care infrastructure and frankly you may be called to caretaking duty at any moment, it’s kind of like being drafted. So I would highly encourage you to keep that in mind when making financial and other commitments, or buying a place, or whatever. Basically, what you are and aren’t going to do, and how you’re going to support that decision. Because unfortunately it’s usually impossible to force others to take up their share of the work. Also, aging women are more likely, I find, to share info about needing help with their female children and grandchildren than with the male ones, so the males are inherently more left out of the loop and end up focusing more on their career or whatever instead. It’s a vicious cycle than needs to be broken, starting with how we raise our boys in this country.
/rant

On my end I bought a house (back when I had a job, sigh) to be able to move back where I’m from, and while I thought my mom might be staying there much later on, maybe temporarily while recovering from an illness or injury, I never pictured that 6 months after moving in, my mom would move in with me without a clear end date to that arrangement. In some ways it’s been to my benefit too, but it’s been quite an adjustment, and I spend every single day on major sorting and related projects for her. I’m hoping that calms down after a few months, so far not much time for my own life. And I lived across the country very independently for years, so again, you never know when your life will change, you know?

BOTOX. AT 25. AS “PREVENTION”. That’s how fucked up we’ve gotten.