Who wouldn't want to marry one of these? via dgstinner @ flickr

There’s more, unfortunately. The article takes the time to categorize every wife/girlfriend’s “Maintenance factor”. For example: Kate Hudson, who’s dating third baseman Alex Rodriguez, has a maintenance factor of

High. Hudson has grown up in the lap of L.A. luxury — and she’s not giving it up now. From jet-setting to Miami for a quick vacation with A-Rod to apartment shopping in the trendiest neighborhoods of NYC, Hudson knows how to live large.

Never mind that it would seem logical that a multimillionaire athlete like Rodriguez might be perceived as “high maintenance” himself. He’s a dude, so it doesn’t count!

What about the maintenance factor of Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly, who’s dating Jeter?

Probably high, as she hasn’t been embraced by the other wives, so Jeter needs to keep her happy when he’s off the field.

Oh, and Amber Sabathia, the wife of pitcher C.C. Sabathia?

Maintenance factor: Pretty high, considering she had to be convinced to let her husband join the Yanks in lieu of her preferred pick, the San Francisco Giants.

Yes, how dare she have the gall to expect a say in where she would have to relocate and raise her three children? A good, low-maintenance wife would just smile, nod, and follow her husband anywhere.

Michelle Damon, wife of outfielder Johnny Damon?

Memorable moment: She received an 8-carat canary-yellow diamond engagement ring from the Yankee outfielder. Maintenance factor: If the diamond ring says anything, it’s that this woman likes her jewelry.

I’m confused: the News doesn’t protest that people pay athletes a gazillion dollars but then they imply the wives are bauble-grubbing snobs when the athletes use that ludicrous salary to buy them something? My head is exploding. Finally there is Laura Posada, wife of catcher Jorge Posada (and my neighbor). The News clearly admires her maintenance factor:

No maintenance necessary. She takes care of everything.

Just like every good little woman should! Oh, but they do have one complaint.

Luck factor: Low. The Yanks have won only one World Series since the couple married. You be the judge.

It’s all Laura Posada’s fault! Can we trade her for a groupie with a magic vagina? Please? Well, enough of that nonsense. Let the games begin and the best team win.

The bunny has the same reaction I do. via blue meridian @ flickr

Some conservative women were upset feminists didn’t protest loudly when late night host David Letterman initially refused to apologize for his off-color joke about Palin’s daughter. Is that because Sarah Palin isn’t a feminist? Can a conservative woman be a feminist these days?

I’m trying to follow that train of thought, but it just makes me dizzy. I seem to remember that a number of feminists did indeed protest vociferously about the Letterman “joke”, including SarahMC.

Also, notice that Costello says “some conservative women”, not “some conservative feminists”. Apparently the reason for that bit of semantic difference is the quote she gets from Mary Matalin:

“No conservative woman would choose to call herself a feminist as it’s described by liberals today,” she says. Matalin says feminism used to be about the freedom to choose the life you wanted. Now it’s an exclusive club, closed off to women like Sarah Palin.

Feminism as a conservative v. liberal issue! Oh that TOTALLY is what feminism is ALL ABOUT. See, we liberal feminists hate it when women who don’t share our political ideologies are granted equal status, so we don’t let anyone into our fun feminist treehouse unless they can prove they voted for Obama. Them’s the breaks.

Costello concludes by asking, “So, if the word ‘feminist’ is weighed down by such political baggage, why keep using it?” Because it’s a vital, necessary word that represents a vital, necessary concept. Is it really that difficult to understand? And if anyone really does think feminism is obsolete and our world doesn’t need it anymore, here’s a lovely pastiche of comments left on the post:

- Yep . Feminism is as dead as a door nail these days. We have bigger fish to fry. By the way you’re very pretty.

- Feminisim[sic] /Maleism what is your point? It is just one more way to divide people. Keep up your bad work and have all people hating each other for what ever reason you chose.

- Feminism today simply means women with short hair, and either unmarried or unhappily married.

- Feminism is not only obsolete, but it is also a devisive crutch that takes the power away from the individual powerful women, and puts that power into a facade of an obsolete civil rights movement that most of americans under thirty never can completely understand.

- It took away to come up with something sturdy but, I’m just gonna’ say that Chivalry was killed by the cold silent glare of feminism and I wish it hadn’t been. There’s no way to avoid getting yelled as sexist as a man and you can’t really call a woman sexist without getting yelled again so you know what, screw it!

That’s it, you oh-so-chivalrous-but-still-dudely dude, yell SCREW IT! Fight the power! Stand up to the MAN! Er, woman.

One reason this is supremely fucking maddening to me is that I was tipped off to this whole thing by father.of.a.lesser.god, who woke me up this morning with an excited phone call about the whole thing. As I mentioned in today’s Harpy Seminar, he sometimes contacts me with ideas for Harpyness posts. I thought he was so sweet to do so this morning! Then we started talking, and as I wrote in an email to my fellow Harpies, “As I got into the discussion with my dad, he said that [the question of obsolescence] depends on the society and I pointed out that even in the most ‘progressive’ societies like ours truly, there’s still that lovely privilege that allows men to blatantly check out/whistle at/catcall at women on the street without fear of retribution, and that kind of objectification is one of the MILDER examples of why feminism cannot be ‘obsolete’. Dad’s reaction? ‘Oh, I do that. It’s not offensive.’ HEADDESK. I RETRACT MY PREVIOUS SEMINAR STATEMENTS.”

I walked for about 6 miles this morning through the streets of Manhattan, and I received some of those fun catcalls. It’s objectifying, it’s offensive, and God help us all if feminism is viewed as being obsolete — because being eye-fucked by strangers on the street is the very least of the problems women are faced with.

STEP 1: Learn the Art of Eye Contact
Don’t shy away from staring him down, but do it the right way. Ease into it by practicing triangular gazing, where you look at one eye, then the other, then at their mouth. Strauss says practicing this for just a day will get you ready to start learning to interact with guys you’re attracted to.

This was a tough one to start with, because I had to practice it for a day. “Just” a day, but that’s a 24-hour commitment! It was really hard to find a guy who would agree to be tied to a chair so that I could repeatedly practice triangular gazing, so I gave up and just tried it on my cardboard cutout of Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings. It turns out I’m not any good at triangular gazing, but I’m an absolute wizard at rhomboid and octagonal gazing!

STEP 2: Practice Small Talk
Before you approach a guy you’re into, make sure you’ve got the basics of small talk down. “Challenge yourself to go out and make small talk with five strangers today,” advises Strauss. “Don’t worry about whether they’re people you want to date. Approach grandfathers, other women, someone who’s not your type, whomever you come across. It’ll help you adjust to stepping out of your comfort zone.”

Setting aside the usual heteronormativity that plagues this article (other women can never be your type!), it was a bit odd approaching grandfathers so I could practice small talk. I kept thinking about how this was flirting practice, so the conversation would inevitably turn to how I love long walks on the beach and good Thai food; all they would do in return is show me pictures of their grandkids and ask if I was free to watch reruns of Perry Mason. Awkward!

STEP 3: Perfect Your Body Language
Want to get under his skin? “Get just a centimeter into a guy’s comfort zone, and look up at him with big eyes,” says Strauss. The no-fail move? “Put your chest out, chin down, eyes high in the socket, head slightly tilted, and your weight on one foot. That’s important. If your feet are planted, they feel the resistance, just as much as they would if you had your arms crossed.” Practice makes perfect–you might look like a cross-eyed chicken at first, but get it down right and it’ll make him crazy.

I don’t have big eyes! And my chest already sticks out even if I’m not pushing it. However, this trick really worked. I met a guy who broke down in tears, saying he had been looking for a woman who looked like a cross-eyed chicken for his entire adult life and he was so relieved to finally find one!

STEP 4: Don’t Think Before You Speak
Don’t think too long before you open your mouth–it’ll come off unnatural and awkward. “People sense it when something sounds too pre-meditated; that makes them uncomfortable,” Strauss says.

I’ll stop doing that if guys will promise to stop using those fun canned pick-up lines, like “Did you hurt your ass when you fell out of heaven?” (Yes, someone actually used that on me.)

STEP 5: Ask for Help
When it comes to conversation starts, asking for his help or opinion is a sure thing, says Strauss. “Maybe it’s some article from a women’s magazine that offers some kind of advice and you want to know if he agrees with it or not. Or maybe it’s: “It’s my cousin’s birthday and I want to buy him a CD—but his taste hasn’t evolved since the 80′s. Any suggestions?” Or maybe your friend just got a three-legged cat and you need a name for it.”

A three-legged cat who needs a name? WTF? More importantly: why the hell do we need to play that I’m-such-a-helpless-woman-who-needs-a-man-to-assist-me-in-matters game? An opinion is one thing, but blatantly asking for help just as a conversation-starter? Annoying. But suggesting that women ask men’s opinions on articles from magazines like Cosmo is actually not such a bad idea, at least for a laugh. (I can just see it now: They think I want candle wax dripped on my WHAT?!)

STEP 6: Set a Time Limit
Within the first 60 seconds of your conversation, Strauss says, immediately mention that you have some kind of time constraint, whether or not you do.

“Whether or not you do”? Pointless lying FTW!

STEP 7: Neg Him
The trick when you’re flirting, Strauss says, is “figuring how to keep a balance between being engaging enough to retain someone’s attention and not seeming overly available.” Tease him a little and call him out by saying something like, “Oh sure you do…”

Neg? Is that a word? But seriously, thank God they instruct women not to seem overly available, because everyone knows that single women always come off as needy, desperate creatures who will clear their schedules at the drop of a hat to spend time with a cute guy.

STEP 8: Lower Your Expectations
Flirt for the sake of flirting. “If you meet a really high-quality guy and you’re really attached to the idea of him being your boyfriend, that pressure—that neediness—is something he’ll sense,” Strauss warns.

So don’t try to date anyone other than scuzzy jerks, you pathetic woman. Leave the high-quality guys to the women who really deserve them. Hint: you are not one of those women.

STEP 9: Make It Fun—For You
Make it about you, not about him. “If it seems like you’re trying too hard, whatever you’re doing will come across as desperate,” Strauss says. His advice? “Think: “I’m fun. I’m cool. I radiate charisma, I am free to do whatever the hell I want.” The most important thing to remember while you’re doing all this flirting is to make it fun for yourself—because then it will be fun for the other person.”

How am I supposed to be free to do whatever the hell I want when I’m instructed to meticulously follow these flirting lessons? It really doesn’t seem like any of this is fun when it’s dissected and turned into something this scientific and reliant on “expert” opinions. Doesn’t that just negate the whole point of flirting and dating? It’s supposed to be an individual, personal experience, not something that fits into cookie cutter shapes. But hey, all women are basically the same, and we want the same thing from guys and from life. So we should be grateful to Marie-Claire and Neil Strauss for showing us the path to eternal flirting happiness!

Now I’m off to practice my octagonal gaze at a singles bar, and I promise to ask every single man there what my friend should name her new three-legged cat. Wish me luck!

At least I'm not the only one with a penchant for pointless endeavors. via keso @ flickr

What Really Attracts Men – 10 Secrets To Attracting Your Man Get Him Hooked for Good! — Where did this come from? Seriously. I don’t remember writing a missive to a friend bemoaning my status as a singleton and wondering why I can’t bewitch a man.

Funny Quote of the Day – James Thurber – “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” — Hahaha, what a knee-slapper that is! I almost peed myself laughing so hard! Ahem. Funny FAIL.

Women Stand and Pee – Women neatly pee while standing. without dropping your drawers! — Yay, feminism has triumphed! I can now pee while standing!

Tips On How To Kiss – Proven Kiss Tips You Can Use To Make Any Woman Melt — Oh, fuck off.

Tickle Any Womans’ Foot – How to convince Any Woman to let you tickle her feet. — Unless your name is James Franco, you are not getting anywhere near my feet.

Women From Brazil – They Are So Beautiful. Visit Our Site And Make Your Choice Amigo! — NO NO NO

50 Hottest Sci-Fi Women – [site name] Counts Down The 50 Hottest Women — Really? This may be because some of my emails have mentioned my love of Star Wars, but that does not mean I need gratuitous shots of Princess Leia in the gold bikini.

What Makes a Good Wife? – See if you’ve got what it takes to be a Good Wife with this Free Quiz Let me guess — this probably spews BS about patience and deference and countless blow jobs.

Barrack Obama – 1 Minute Poll – Barrack Obama What grade would Barack Obama get? — Could you at least try to spell the President’s name right?

Now, let’s soldier on to the Facebook ads!

Top 3 Mistakes Women Make: The 3 most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men and what to do about it. — So, this will take you to a website called “Hook That Guy!” with this valuable advice:

- How to use powerful emotional “triggers” to practically FORCE a man to fall for you (He’ll know you’re “the one” for him from the first day you meet).
-What the male brain is like and how attraction works for them. [Ed: Maybe they just need to see boobies?]

White Teeth For Christmas – Learn about the secret teeth whitening combination discovered by a mom who finally turned her yellow teeth white. — Guess my Jewish self won’t be getting a new set of pearlie whites from Santa. Bummer.

Dr. Laura LIVE – In Praise of Mom in movie theaters May 5th and 6th. Buy tickets now! — Facebook clearly did not read my post about Dr. Laura’s bullshit book.

My Stretchmarks Cleared! Learn how I cleared my Stretchmarks in just 14 Days! This is accompanied by a lovely picture of a pregnant belly, probably picking up on my earlier status updates that were gestation-related. The message is “OMG PREGNANCY MAKES YOU HUGE SO WE’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HELP YOU FORGET YOU EVER LOOKED LIKE THIS!” So here is my response: I like my stretchmarks, asshole. They’re like battle scars. So fuck off.

Who’s Ur Future Husband? – Will one of your friends be your future husband? Just enter your two names and horoscope signs to find out who! — Well, I don’t really have any close guy friends, except my cousin and that’s obviously out of the question. So, all you Harpies (and readers) are on notice: one of you will eventually be my husband. Also, “your” is not a difficult word to spell.

via dl (not hughley) @ flickr

This story comes to us courtesy of The Daily Mail, and they link to a “Fat Age Calculator” that “is designed to give you a very rough indication of whether or not you are eating too much fat and saturated fat.” It may be worth noting, however, that even the calculator’s website admits that:

“Fat Age” is not a clinically recognised term. This calculator is simply designed to give you a rough idea of whether you are eating too much fat or saturated fat. The calculator assumes that what you tell us about your dietary intake has changed little during your adult years since you turned 18.

So it’s not clinically recognized — and you’d have to be on pretty much the exact same diet for your entire adult life for this to even pretend to mean anything — but why let little details like that get in the way of using “fat age” to make women qualify their worth based on their diet?

The article asks seven celebrities (my American self only recognized one of them: Britt Eklund) to use the “calculator” and then they spill every last detail of their eating habits. Somehow, of the two women come out with a fat age of over ninety. This is starting to seem about as accurate as that Facebook quiz that named John Mayer as my ideal celebrity boyfriend.

It’s hard to know what the worst part of this article is. It links to this thoroughly disreputable calculator that doesn’t seem to be recognized by any physicians; it is notable that not a single doctor, nurse, or dietician is quoted in the piece. They’re not even trying to pretend this is something that has any real scientific basis, but there are apparently no qualms about putting the link to the calculator in the article so that readers can use it to judge their own bodies. If “fat age” somehow becomes part of the vernacular — doubtful, perhaps, but I always have my hackles up about these things — it will be even more idiotic than the fact that BMI is used as a be-all end-all calculation by some people.

Basically, every woman in the piece has her real age listed next to her fat age, and then lists her dress size before reciting all the details of her dietary habits. These are seemingly the only measures by which a woman should judge herself. The article is obsessed with numbers, which strikes a very unsettling chord to me. Reducing women to a series of figures and measurements in the name of pseudo-scientific bullshit is horrendously irresponsible. One woman says that “I don’t eat beef and only eat a little lamb, and I was sure I had a low-fat diet…In the supermarket, I am drawn to the chocolate aisle like a magnet. I think that as it doesn’t give me spots or make me fat, it isn’t doing me any harm, but this test has made me dramatically re-think my beliefs.” Terrific. (There is another woman who says that “As a gymnast, I used to control my weight by not eating, but I know now that is silly.” The use of “silly” to describe self-starvation makes my hands ball into fists.)

I gave in to my own curiosity and took the damned quiz. It just asks you to enter in the number of times per week you currently eat a certain food, a qualifier that won’t do anyone much good given that it is almost unheard of for someone’s diet to remain exactly the same for an extended period of time. Basically, the quiz is a bullshit snapshot, one that helpfully says at the bottom of the page that they will provide some links to weight-loss products if you’re unhappy with the results.

Here’s the thing: even though I know it’s bullshit, I was still anxious to have a “low” number, because base a frightening degree of my self-worth on things that revolve around my weight — and I’m not alone in doing so. And even though I know the Daily Mail article is another exercise in idiocy, sometimes idiocy has consequences. These kinds of “fluff” articles that are written under the guise of promoting good health simply serve to whittle women down to the barest minimum of criteria for who they are as people, namely sizes and weights. While the calculator can be used by either men or women, the article doesn’t seem to care about what a man’s fat age might be. By putting this in the Femail [sic] section of the newspaper’s website rather than the health section, it shows that these kinds of stories have nothing to do with “healthy fats” or “unhealthy fats” or anything of the sort; instead their aim is to define women by their appearance and what they put into their bodies. Given the fact that I caved and calculated my fat age despite knowing it was scientifically and medically unfounded, maybe I should congratulate them on accomplishing their mission.