Yes, you read that right. There’s now an iPhone/iPad app that will allow your manpanion to enter the first day of your last couple periods, and it will tell him—as if by magic!—when your next period will occur. Except there’s nothing remotely magical or mysterious about menstrual cycles. As I told my dad, this app assumes men are really stupid. It’s the same week each month, fellas—unless her periods are irregular, in which case the app ain’t going to work anyway. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.

The Post‘s Monica Hesse writes:

It keeps track of periods. It keeps track of them for men. It is, in fact, strong enough for a woman but made for the men who love them, or at least want to monitor their bodies the way that creep-o just might on “Law & Order: SVU” before Detective Benson punched him in the head. Just sayin’.

But once you get into the details of these apps, the eye-rolling really starts!

Inevitably, since we’re talking about men and periods, we’re guaranteed a certain amount of dismal, juvenile HUR HUR she’s on the rag! jokery. Code Red is only one of the many menstruation apps out there, and it sounds like it’s one of the classier ones:

A tour of recent technological creations shows that menstruation apps for men are a booming market. “PMSBuddy,” for example, is proudly “saving relationships, one month at a time.” “PMS Meter” features “hilarious sound effects.” And the infamous “IAmAMan,” which is nothing if not unapologetic, allows users to track the menstrual cycles of several women at once, for those special times when you are a big cheater.

Well, that’s just swell. Better living through programming!

I think that menstrual apps indicate a strange lack of communication in relationships. If your partner wants to know when your period is…why not just ask? Says the husband-wife programming team who created of Code Red:

“It’s funny in a sense,” Kevin says. “But also really helpful.”

“I don’t even think it’s funny; I just thought it was necessary,” Lisi says. “Kevin and I have been together for 15 years . . . and Kevin acts blindsided every month. It makes me want to scratch his eyes out.”

Wow. I’m…uh…glad I’m not married to either one of them.

I’m not quite sure how I’d respond if my boyfriend or husband wanted to track my cycle on his iPhone. Menstruation never been an issue in any relationship I’ve had; I don’t get PMS and I’ve never been with a man who wanted to avoid sex during my period. If we were trying to conceive or there was some medical reason for him to know—or even if he were just plain curious—I’d hope he’d simply talk about it with me. Then again, they haven’t yet come up with an app that will compel honest, open communication, which is truly unfortunate.

I hate it when women do it to themselves! Last month, PhDork noted her displeasure with excessive, unnecessary apologies. Don’t be “sorry” for having an opinion and taking up space in this world, y’know? I’ll add that you’ve got to stop invalidating yourself by blaming PMS for your expressions of righteous anger or frustration. I see and hear women do this all the time, online and off. Concluding an impassioned rant with, “…but I’m PMSing” is like saying, “Disregard everything I’ve just said, as my hormones are in control!”

The PMS excuse is just another form of apologizing for one’s existance (as women are coached to do). It’s also disclaiming responsibility for one’s words. If your actual PMS puts uncharacteristic thoughts in your brain, which you know you’d never otherwise verbalize, just keep those thoughts private. Plenty of people out there will throw the PMS charge against women who dare to speak their minds or, dog forbid, get angry. Don’t undermine yourself with the PMS addendum. Own your shit! Let’s not validate the notion that “uppity” women are captives of their biology.

To the woman who gave me and my box of tampons a dirty look: I menstruate. Get over it. I bleed. I get crampy. I shed uterine lining. I would venture a guess that you have done so yourself in the past. I am unsure why you think this is so shameful that I have to hide my purchase under my sweater or inside a big magazine while waiting on line. Tampons are a necessary instrument for me, as I don’t really enjoy staining my jeans with menstrual blood. Oh, did ‘menstrual blood’ offend your delicate sensibilities? Get over it.

To the male clerk who visibly cringed when he had to scan my box of tampons: I menstruate. Get over it. Are you one of those guys who thinks that a lady’s ladyflower should always be ladylike and not besmirched by un-ladylike blood? Well, I guess I can’t be a lady, because I was bleeding on Thursday. But I don’t really care much about being a lady. I’m a woman — a woman who bleeds. Get over it.

To the other women in the store: Really, there’s nothing to be ashamed of when you make these kinds of purchases. It’s really no different than purchasing painkillers or mouthwash. Or toilet paper. That goes in the same area of your body, right? Just a different bodily fluid. So no need to blush or hide when you make these purchases.

To you: How do you feel when buying these items? Do you get embarrassed, pissed at those who are weirded out by your purchases, or some combination of both? Leave your thoughts in the comments.