At least I'm not the only one with a penchant for pointless endeavors. via keso @ flickr

do women like men in thongs — Sometimes. As long as it’s not Borat.

Someone told me I was a bitch — Were you being a better bitch?

fuck mee aribian — “aribian” = Arabian? Caribbean?

i cheat on my fiance — Congrats, you’re a creep.

squeezing huggest fake bubes in tiny bra — my bubes are hugger than yours!

etsy is a bunch of bitchy women with their claws out — We dare you to say that to our face.

women should be forced to wear high heels and know their place — Oh, we think not. Thanks for being a total misogynist creep, please don’t come again.

nude harpy — None of that here!

do you wear bikini in elevator — Not without sunscreen.

how does the missionary position feel for a man? — I’m guessing it feels good?

history of why a woman’s private parts are called a beaver? — Because it’s fun to demean parts of women’s anatomy! They’re less threatening that way, amirite?

Ladies: ever had vacation sex? — Occasionally…

national cankle day — That’s even more ridiculous than Columbus Day.

cankles fuck — A new day, a new fetish to learn about

we don’t need feminism — Who’s this “we”?  You got a mouse in your pocket?

wants to no if i can beat up my brother, how can i simulate the fight — Yes, violence is always a great idea!

I’M SO FUCKING TIRED — We get this one about once a day. Have Googlers never heard of the wonders of coffee?

???? ??????? ???? ??? ?? ?? — It’s like the inane Morse Code of Google.

college sperm shot competition — Please tell me that’s not sanctioned by the NCAA and broadcast on ESPN.

RANDOMLY really angry pms — The best part of this is that RANDOMLY is capitalized, and pms is not.

WTF is Sarah Palin talking about media — Damned if we know.

groom fucks all the brides maids — This may be a sign that you should call off the wedding.

pussy pursuit — What, like a car chase on the LA freeway? “The vadge is outmaneuvering the cock car, whatever will the dude do?”

world sex travel guide the adventurous man’s guide to sex tourism — YOU FAIL AT LIFE. (Too harsh? I think not.)

riding a girl too much — Let’s recap: a “girl” (or woman) is neither a pony or a ferris wheel. Got it?

tongue-in-cheek ways of calling people fat — Related: my counter-search entitled “straightforward ways of calling people assholes”.

gay animal sex movie — this from the spam queue.  Did those Central Park Zoo penguins break into porn?

girls from MT who do sex – Any Montanans out there?  What are y’all doing out there under the big sky?

yankee logo tattoo pics — sarah.of.a.lesser.god may be interested in these also.

where to sell my homemade pies — We’ll take them!

padded nursing bra why would I want padding? — good point, akshully

The Tinkerbell that flies overhead during Disneyland’s fireworks show is typically played by a man

At least I'm not the only one with a penchant for pointless endeavors. via keso @ flickr

Keep Googling, you misguided souls! Perchance you will grace us with more mind-boggling, occasionally puke-tastic gems like these!

strained condition fuck mature daddy — Ever feel like some of these search terms are the result of a drunken game of Scrabble?

clarence thomas fucked up — Yes, yes, 100 times yes.

President Gerald Fnord — Sometimes the simplest typos are enough to make you giggle for 5 minutes.

penis is serious business — O RLY?

What do you think there is about females that allow them to civilize their male counterparts? — Tasers.

Scottish kilt penis porn — How do you see the penis if the kilt is still on?

when i fucked a giantess — Please go on. No, seriously. I want to hear this story!

harpie apparel — Some of us are partial to flip-flops, and jeans and tee-shirts make for a good blogging uniform.

how a person fuck a woman to give birth his baby — His baby? How about it being their baby. Also, ew.

what does responsibility feel like — Taking on the task of doing the right thing, like this or this.

how to swear in elizabethan — If thou art changed to aught, tis to an ass! (Thank you, A Comedy of Errors)

military men fuckin there women HARD!!!!! — You get a very dishonorable discharge for the trifecta of misspellings, confusion of their/there, and the gratuitous exclamation points.

vagina smells like blood, or metal no period — And vampire vaginas REALLY smell like blood.

ways to scare 2 girls — Don’t expect us to give you pointers on that. Although just typing that into Google is a good way to freak us out.

funny women are attractive — We agree!

XXX porn channels using up mankind’s energy — So when the aliens land, they’ll find nothing but shriveled humanoids who died while wanking to Debbie Does Dallas? Sounds a bit fatalistic, even if I’m not into XXX porn channels.

why is it men won’t get a vasectomy but think pregnancy & childbirth are no big deal — We’re still trying to figure that one out.

How to make pee on gmail — We wish we knew how to do that.

Sexy male protagonist first names — Personally, I’m a fan of the name Aragorn.

vomit via fuck — You’re doing something wrong if that’s the end result. Also: yuck.

childless feminist insane — No, that’s not how it goes.

it bothers me my husband sees other womens bits in maternity ward — Wait, what? That should bother you!

big dick makes orgasm — actually, no.

At least I'm not the only one with a penchant for pointless endeavors. via keso @ flickr

The Tinkerbell that flies overhead during Disneyland’s fireworks show is typically played by a man – Are you asking me, or telling me?

barbie goes crazy – Now this is a movie I would pay to see.

a tortoise fucking women – Just when you think you’ve heard it all…

where would a harpy most likely be found on a school campus? –We’re fond of the library, ourselves.

never date a feminist – Don’t worry, we don’t want to date you either.

what is my birth year if i’m 22 years old – Really? Wow.

How to have a bigger dick – Can’t help you with that one, sorry.

what you want to do do you want to fight – Is this a question? Two separate questions? Bueller?

boys named sarah – Hey, why not?

misogyny save the tatas – Related: Google save idiots.

fuck this, I am so fucking tired–Man, we have those days too…

obama women girls is sexist – Random Googler typer user is random.

acronym soalg – sarah.of.a.lesser.god kindly requests that you remember the periods between each letter

was bea arthur born male or female?  – She was born awesome.  (And female.)

friend suddenly becomes a strident lesbian – You know, we’ve never heard of someone being a “strident” straight person. Interesting how that works, huh?

straight men doing gay things – What, pray tell, are “gay things”? No wait, I don’t want to know what this idiot’s answer is to that.

blow up doll feeling – I don’t think they feel anything, given that they’re inanimate objects. But keep trying to bring them to orgasm nonetheless!

why feminists are scary–BOO!

free lifetime pass anal sex — No, we don’t offer those here, for ANY kind of sex.

what to eat to make your vagina even wetter – I don’t think it works that way…

being yourself scares men–You mean that men are scared to be themselves, or they’re scared of us when we’re being ourselves?  Either way: YES. We blame the Patriarchy.

Helen Fisher Pornography increases dopamine levels  –  But what does Stephen Jay Gould  pornography do?

PICS OF GIRLS PULLING TAMPAX OUT OF FANNY –Even though I know that “fanny” means “vadge” in the UK, that’s kinda gross.  I mean, there’s nothing inherently WRONG with tampax or fannies…but as a fetish?  Yuck.

Also: nothing ruins your day quite like seeing pedophile search terms. We will spare our dear readers from them, but they really do burn our retinae.

And finally, we have some glorious epic trollery to share with you:

DAVID LETTERMAN’S HATE, etc. !

Speaking of anti-Semitism, it’s Jerry Falwell and other fundy leaders who’ve gleefully predicted that in the future EVERY nation will be against Israel (an international first?) and that TWO-THIRDS of all Jews will be killed, right?

Wrong! It’s the ancient Jewish prophet Zechariah who predicted all this in the 13th and 14th chapters of his book! The last prophet, Malachi, explains the reason for this future Holocaust that’ll outdo even Hitler’s by stating that “Judah hath dealt treacherously” and “the Lord will cut off the man that doeth this” and asks “Why do we deal treacherously every man against his brother?”[just saw the above web bit - (name redacted by Harpies)]

Haven’t evangelicals generally been the best friends of Israel and Jewish persons? Then please explain the recent filthy, hate-filled, back-stabbing tirades by David Letterman (and Sandra Bernhard) against a leading evangelical named Sarah Palin, and explain why most Jewish leaders have seemingly condoned Palin’s continuing “crucifixion”!

While David and Sandra are tragically turning comedy into tragedy, they are also helping to speed up and fulfill the Final Holocaust a la Zechariah and Malachi, thus helping to make the Bible even more believable! 

I never knew I could get heartburn just by reading something! Suddenly R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” is playing in my mind.

P.S. Extra-special luv to the haters sending so much traffic our way.

sexism by phone –Oh, sister, by phone, by book, by movie, by television, by fashion, by science…

successful woman get abortions — Correction: all kinds of women get abortions.

helen gurley brown panties — I read this as “helen gurley.  brown panties.”  Which is both funny and revolting.

harpy symptoms — I’m guessing you’d notice symptoms such as extreme wit, righteous indignation, and a fondness for LOLcats.

But the vast majority are either confusing:

i wonder oh i wonder i can t count all the bottles i — I think you can’t count all those bottles because you drank what was in them.

homemade + fuck + restaurant — Remind me not to eat there.

buy multiple orgasms — Does it work that way?

what you do in sex –  A product of abstinence-only education, we presume.

swollen vagina after dry hump — That sounds very uncomfortable on several levels. May we suggest an ice pack? (P.S. You mean “vulva.”)

butt feels weird after putting in tampon –  That makes sense, as tampons are not supposed to go in your butt. Please proceed to your nearest emergency room.

YEAR OF 2009 BEAUTIFUL HIPS FUCKS — IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, DOES GOOGLE SEARCH THAT MUCH HARDER?

Or rude:

michelle obama got where she is by affirmative action– Usually, First Ladies marry into the job. Dumbass.

i have got fuck — I have an education.

scottish men big dicks — sarah.of.a.lesser.god swears this was not her looking for naked Ewan McGregor pics. Do you believe her?

GAY MAN FUCKING HALL OF FAME – The all-caps desperation in this search kind of makes my day. (Also: is there such a thing? Why?)

And then there’s just the straight-up gross:

father doesn’t sexualy satisfy my stepmom–1) Is that your business? 2) Sounds like you’re looking to replace your dad, which:  ew.

fat blow up doll sex pics — Just when I think I’ve heard of every fetish in the book, the internet proves me wrong.

12 year old girls in they’re underwear –Pedophilia (and misspelling) FOR THE TREMENDOUS, HORRIFIC LOSE.

12 year old boys in underpants — Equal opportunity disgustitude!  This is not what we meant by “gender equity.”

So, what brings you here?

At least I'm not the only one with a penchant for pointless endeavors. via keso @ flickr

UNREASONABLE:
I AM TIRED OF LOOKING LIKE AN ASS GOD — I’m backing away very slowly.

pet name for pussys — I had a cat named Juanita. Is this what you’re asking for?

REASONABLE:
I’m an attractive funny woman why am I single — Truly, a question for the ages.

bridesmaid dresses area waste of money — The area does not matter. They are a waste of money everywhere

male bridesmaids dresses — Are we talking about kilts? If so, then aye, this wee part-Scottish lass approves.

UNREASONABLE
women fucking the devil — Sigh.

60 year old wimon fucking — More evidence of the link between illiteracy and appetite for porn.

SEMI-REASONABLE
why did harpies turn ugly? — Watch your mouth! Also, consult Bulfinch’s Mythology.

But wait! There’s more delicious misadventures in Googling…

A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF WHAT WE OFFER HERE
missionary position I’m bad at it — We don’t offer lessons. Sorry.

Does females really like big “dicks” — Not necessarily. And why is dicks in quotation marks?

fun sex — UR DOIN IT RITE

THE DUH AWARD GOES TO…
sexism is prevalent in advertising — I’m shocked, shocked!

hot girls who strip completely naked no bras and no pantys — From the Department of Redundancy Department! I think that, by definition, someone who is completely naked would have no bras and no pantys. (Or panties, for that matter.)

OUR KIND OF GOOGLER:
definition+successful+woman+feminism = Why yes!

reasons for not saying your sorry — We have some of those.

I hate Carrie Bradshaw — Join the club, sweetie

GET OVER YOURSELF:
don’t cuss around a lady — We can handle it, I promise.

WTF?
I feminized my boyfriend — Are you happy?  Regretful?  Turned on?  Tell me more.

big ass bubble butt IN FREINC NIKERS — Is “FREINC NIKERS” supposed to be French knickers? Does anyone have a “horny Googler” translator?

Men putting soda on their dicks — Why? I mean really…why?

why do bi women hate the penis — Are we talking about a specific penis?

how big those a black male dick get — As opposed to a black female dick? Also: whut?

elephant sex scene — Thank you for giving me nightmares with this one.

Google shmoogle. We prefer Marcy the search dog! Via tsallam @ Flickr.

So. It has been a busy couple weeks. Our traffic is way up and we’re way happy about it. Big womanly bearhugs to everyone who’s commented, lurked, sent us tips, sent us e-mails and generally enjoyed yourselves hanging out Chez Harpy.

Of course, the more posts we put up, the more we turn up on web searches, whether we like it or not. Here’s a collection of recent search terms for your Friday morning lulz:

“kickass harpyness” – Aww, thanks!

“harpy feminist rant”–Yep, we got those.

“liberals are inferior” — Yeah, see, we disagree

“are there any good looking feminists” — O HAI.

“panty masochism” — Nooo, “panty hamster.” Get it straight.

“mens thoughts on small breasts”– “Yay! Boobies!”?

“helen gurley brown feminist”– EPIC FAIL

“sex sawhorse” — Is that a position? Like ‘reverse cowgirl’?

“punani pie” — Mmmmmmm, cunnilingus…

“obama second bitch” — Ah, a Michelle/Bo the dog joke. Hilarious.

“What is the joke about the nuns, flies and preachers” — We don’t know. Please tell us!

“phd student underemployment” — Ah yes. Please call the ‘Dork to commiserate.

“slutty dominican women guides” — OH for the FUCK of SHIT. Urge to kill: rising.

“extremely hairy women wearing very tight thong underwere” — Again with the misspellling…

“what the personal e-mail of george clooney” — Good luck with that one. (and plz to e-mail BeckySharper if you find out)

“cosmopolitan sex mag in his pants”–Well, that’s as good a place for it as any.

Ah Google…bringing weird-ass information to the masses, one search at a time!

Via failblog.org

Dear Readers:

Once again we present those search terms that have led you to our humble web abode, wherein we hope to snare you in our web. Our readers are clearly familiar with Google, Yahoo, etc., and took time from their busy lives to search the following phrases, which, alas, landed them here:

“Fucking Tired of my life” — Ah yes, we can sympathize

“harpies effect on modern society” — We blog, we rant, we affect society.

“hai i can haz intercourse” — LOLspeak is probably not the best way to woo a potential bedmate.

“masochism daddy issues” — Oh dear.  Paging Dr. Freud! 

“Katharine of Aquitaine” — I presume you mean Eleanor? Get thee to a history book!

“wear thongs because big ass” — Is this an order?

“will obama require michele to get off her fat ass and work?” — Will you get your own ass off our site?

“im so fucken tierd of women” — im so fucken tierd of misogynists who can’t spell.

“daddy fucks doughter while babby sitting” — Why are the grossest porny searches ALWAYS misspelled? ALWAYS!

“ginseng makes dick feel funny” –Sorry to hear it.  Unfortunately, none of us are doctors.

“why do women become evil during PMS” –Again, none of us are doctors, but may we recommend a therapist? It’s clear you have some things you need to work out.

“I hate men” –Yeah, see, we don’t.  As discussed here.

“I look awful in bridesmaids dress”– Oh honey, everyone does.

Special thanks this week to Stumbleupon.com, which has directed a tsunami of traffic to this site over the past week.  If one of y’all linked our posts to it, we send muchas smoochas your way.

And special thanks to the trolls who stopped by to spread a little anti-woman hateration in the comments. You know who you are. Unfortunately for you, no one else will, because we have a “delete” button and we love to use it.

Ta ta for now…

Some of you sound like you are definitely on our wavelength:

I want to fight the fight

i hate the world

Some of you need a reality check as to what we are providing on this site:

harpy sex movie

Some of you are possibly doing a research project for your eighth grade health class:

introducing sperm to egg

sperm magic

Some of you need a spellcheck:

crhis braown

Some of you have interesting tastes in erotica:

friar fuck with nun

SOME OF YOU NEED TO EASE UP ON THE ALL-CAPS:

I CAN’T GET A GIRLFRIEND AND I FEEL HOPELESS

Some of you are just frightening:

women bein fuck in their sleep

fucking women without clothes and enter it inside their backs

Some of you clearly have skewed perceptions on what is “fat”:

Michelle Obama’s fat ass

Some of you provided epic moments of WTF?:

sojourner truth flashes men?

Jill, Slut, Manly

ineed sexy lady in dubai to come with me for facking

in psychology 101 i have learned that low tolerance people who smoke blog

And some of you are completely off-base as to what our interests are here, because you keep spamming us with Viagra ads. As BeckySharper said, that is the epitome of a demographic FAIL.