So true! Via smokeandmirrors @ Flickr.

In which sarah.of.a.lesser.god and I discuss our special womantime and sharing it–or not–with our significant others. Sex and the menstruating woman!  A “hell yes!”  Or a “hell no!” ?  Or just a big “meh?”  We’ve got opinions–and experiences–and we’re oversharing!  Join us, won’t you?

BeckySharper: I think a dude’s response to my period is a good litmus test. I’ve found that about 95% of them are totally cool with it. They don’t freak out at the sight of the tampon string, they’re still willing to have sex (maybe not go down, but that’s okay) and generally don’t fuss. The ones who are like “Meh, let’s wait till next week” kind of irritate me, but I’ll give them a grudging pass. The ones who are like “ZOMG gross!” get kicked to the curb immediately

sarah.of.a.lesser.god: I’ll be honest and say I have slept with only one man, but from that and from discussions with friends, it seems to be that there is a lot of the “ZOMG gross” going on. As the resident bisexual harpy, I can testify that with the women, it seems to be one of those things where it’s not a huge deal. Probably because they are more familiar with the bodily issues involved and know that you don’t need penetration to have a wonderful time in bed.

BeckySharper: Heh–even some guys realize that around period-time.  My not-boyfriend, in fact, gets sort of excited about periods because his college girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with him during her period, and would blow him instead, so he always associates periods with “Yay! Blowjob!” (even though he’s perfectly willing to have sex while I’m having mine).

So did you and your lady loves get it on while one or the other of you were having your periods? Because with two menstrual cycles, that’s 14 total days per month!

sarah.of.a.lesser.god:  My exes and I did get it on, and things would be particularly breast-centric during those times.  The women I’ve been with have never been as squeamish as men seem to be.

What kind of cracks me up about some guys is that they are all macho and get so freaked out by a little blood coming out of the vagina. The thing that drives me nuts is when they bitch about the smell. As if their ejaculate smells like fucking roses.

BeckySharper: Oh puh-lease. If I have to put up with that clorox-y eau de cum, they can live with a little blood. Besides, so long as you wash during your period, there’s no bad smell–just maybe a little fresh blood. They can think of it as a rare steak or whatever.

sarah.of.a.lesser.god: They can think of it as a rare steak. Just as long as there are no sushi jokes.

I’m curious to know if other cultures are so squeamish about this. There is so much stuff in the Old Testament about a woman being “unclean” and “defiling” during their periods and that no men can touch them, they contaminate food, etc. That unjustified pall has hung over menstruation for centuries. Whereas very few men seem concerned with the fact that there will be blood when they break women’s hymens. Because that is pure, virgin blood. Nothing unclean about that!

BeckySharper: No shit.  The Babylonian Talmud has the most ridiculous set of rules you’ve ever seen about menstruation. There’s even a whole section where the rabbis discuss how women should swab their vaginas with a special cloth just to make sure there’s no lingering blood before they resume sexual relations. It contains this immortal line: “Since she is in a hurry to resume relations she does not insert the testing-rag into depressions and folds.” ZOMG, the menz need you to check the depressions and folds!

sarah.of.a.lesser.god: Depressions and folds! That makes me think of vagina origami! (If there is no such thing, then there should be. My vagina is able to fold itself into a crane.)

What I also wanted to say was that when I date again, if my partner is a man I will have no patience for menstrual squicks. If he is freaked out by it, then he can have his hand for company. I hope you’re right about guys in their 30s and 40s being generally better about this. I also wonder if having kids helps give perspective, as seeing all those other things (like childbirth) might make a man realize that menstruation is not such a big deal.

BeckySharper: I think it’s also maturing and moving past that “ooh, girls are icky” crap that carries over from the teenager years. Once they’ve been around women’s bodies on a regular basis–especially if they’ve co-habited–they realize how normal menstruation is and get over the squicks.

According to my stepmom, my step-grandpa, a career Army man, had an official motto on this issue: “it’s a sad soldier who can’t cross a bloody battlefield.” I concur.  Man up, gentlemen!  It’s the same vagina it always was!

What do you think?  Does your partner prefer to take a time out?  Do you care? Tell all in the comments…

It's a BCP cake! Nom nom nom. Via browntown @ Flickr.

Welcome to Harpy Seminar, a regular feature we plan to have at regular intervals, unless we get too busy to have it at regular intervals, in which case it shall appear whenever we have time and inclination for it. Each Seminar begins with a question, which we discuss amongst ourselves, and we then edit the highlights of our conversation into a post. Please feel free to join in in the comments!

In today’s Harpy Seminar, we’ll be having a frank and open Our Bodies, Ourselves-style roundtable about contraceptives.  Overshare-y!  Informative!  Pull up a chair, won’t you?  Today’s question: what’s your pleasure when it comes to birth control?

BeckySharper: My mom took me to her gyno when I was a sophomore in college so I could get a prescription for the Pill. The gyno was the very same woman who’d who delivered me 19 years earlier, so it was kind of hilarious in a circle-of-life way.  I’ve been on the pill for almost 15 years now, and it’s been nothing but terrific. For STI protection, I use condoms religiously unless I’m in a monogamous relationship where we have had The Talk. I don’t particularly like them, but I’ve discovered that after all those years of using condoms, I have a quasi-Pavlovian response to the smell of latex.

sarah.of.a.lesser.god: I’ve had sex exactly 5 times. First two times we used a condom. The very first time the condom broke. (Does that mean I have a masochistic vagina?) Thankfully I felt fortunate to get pregnant, but boy was that a wake-up call! After that, of course, condoms were not quite necessary since he had agreed to be tested. Oh! And lubed condoms are perhaps the only kind I will ever use.

BeckySharper: Oh yeah, the more lube the better.  I keep a big ol’ industrial size bottle in the drawer with the condoms because latex really can dry you out much more than an unwrapped peen.

Ph.Dork:  Hate. Condoms. Have used them when necessary, but haaaate. They rub, they stink, they make me itch.

Fortunately, I’ve been mostly monogamous (a story for another time, my pets) nigh these last 11 years, so I was on the Pill, which I started my Sophomore year, although I went to the PP in my college town because I did not (and do not) have that kind of relationship with my mom.  I’ve always known that kids are not for me, and the dude is of the same mind, so after a LOT of discussion, he finally got a vasectomy, and we are now hormone and condom free, and everybody’s happy.

PilgrimSoul: If I take any kind of pill, my blood pressure goes immediately through the roof. So no pills, never again.

SarahMC:  I’ve been on the Pill since I started having sex. I’ve used condoms a few times, but only when I’d missed a Pill or been on antibiotics or something. I much prefer NOT using condoms, and since I’ve been with the same person a long time and we’re monogamous, the Pill is the only method I (we) use.

I feel pretty good on the Pill. I suspect it MAY result in a lower sex drive for me but it’s hard to tell because I’ve been on it since I started having sex.  My periods are easy breezy; they are short and I don’t get PMS. In fact, the one time I stopped taking the Pill (when I studied abroad) my period was so hideous I went right back on it.

BeckySharper: I know some women react badly to the Pill’s hormones but that was never an issue for me at all; I lucked into less PMS and cramping with the Pill, and I definitely have a lighter flow, which is always welcome.

PhDork: The only thing I miss about the pill was the clockwork periods: 4th Thursday at 3 pm. Now it’s back to educated guessing: some time this week…

sarah.of.a.lesser.god: Now I am considering the pill. My periods have always been like clockwork and I don’t think I’ll be fornicating again anytime soon but I would rather not get pregnant again for a long while.

BeckySharper: I really think Margaret Sanger is looking down on us, raising a fist in triumph.  Birth control FTW!

So ladies, what’s your contraceptive preference?  Are you Trojan women?  Pill-poppers?  Join our circle of candor in the comments…

Ur doin it rite! Via ElvisHuang @ Flickr.

Dear Gentlemen:

It has come to our attention that many of you, in an attempt to be all sensitive and egalitarian and fully share in the joy of impending parenthood, have started to refer to said joy by using the phrase “we’re pregnant.”  Commenter AuntieEm brought this up in a post yesterday and coincidentally, SarahMC and I had been ranting privately about it.  So let’s address the issue, shall we?

While we here at Harpyness are all about equality of the sexes, and sharing the responsibilities of parenthood, the sad truth is, biology prevents you from 50-50 equity when it comes to carrying your child.  This is a damn shame, as we think it would be splendid if you could take on half of the heartburn, morning sickness, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, swollen ankles, and aching joints of pregnancy (to say nothing of the excruciating labor pains, cracked nipples and work-life balance issues that come afterwards).  But you can’t.  Biology sucks sometimes.  Therefore, as sole possessors of the uteri, we are the only ones who can be pregnant, and we want, nay, deserve, full credit for it!

This is not to say that we’re not super-grateful for your love and support and indulgence and foot-rubs during our pregnancies.  We love you too.  But we think it’s odd that you are acting like our reproductive systems are suddenly part of your own anatomy. We don’t recall you ever saying “we’re having our period” or “we have to get a pelvic exam.”  Just because your zygotes created 50% of the child inside the uterus doesn’t make it your uterus too.

So knock it off with the “we’re pregnant.” You are not. Please replace the offending phrase with something more accurate, for example: “We’re having a baby” or  “My wife’s pregnant and we’re delighted” or, if you want to be all 1950s, “We’re expecting.”  K?  Thx.

Smooches,

The Harpies, on behalf of womanity

PS:  Additionally, if your partner underwent the hell of IVF, with its rage- and depression-inducing hormones, frequent injections with huge horse needles and “egg retrieval” procedures so invasive they require general anesthesia, while you merely wanked into a cup, we strongly caution you never to say the offending phrase.  She may still have a few leftover needles and may, understandably, feel a bit stabby to hear you take credit.  You’ve been warned.